The Dilemma of Jefferson: My Dissenting Voice

Dacia, this is a very brave post to make. I don’t know Jefferson well enough at all to comment on any of the more personal remarks you made about his life and choices. However, the very public choice of blogging about his children is one that I always questioned myself.

Sure, it was beautiful and touchy writing but it was also incredibly risky. I think that all of us that write under any veil of anonymity have to ask what the worst case scenario is. I have thought through mine carefully and I’m at a place in my life where I’m comfortable with it. If it happens, it might even jumpstart me in a new direction that I want to go in.

Some risks certainly are too big to take and Jefferson is learning that now. However, when all is said and done the claims being made against him (from the scant details I know) are completely unfair. Even if he made bad decisions given the current state of the world and society, those decisions *should* have been free.

As I’m writing this, I’ve considered that I just posted a plea for him as well. Do I think that my post will make a difference? Not particularly, I think that sadly this online world is fickle and that while our readers might say they love us, it is unlikely that many will give to Jefferson’s legal defense. I am hoping that because he is such a visible blogger and this story is being broadcast so widely that we will see a general conversation evolve about these issues. One that can benefit and educate all of us.

[…] issue (see Rachel Kramer Bussel on that). You may also be interested in the perspective that Audacia Ray offers on this. I posted a long comment on her blog that basically boils down to this: I […]

Dissenting in one’s own community isn’t easy. It’s easy in a situation like this to get caught up in the crowd and ignore your own assessment. Good on you for speaking your mind. I think you make good points as far as bloggers needing to be aware of the realities and risks of what they do.

I don’t really see the broad implications of this case that people are claiming (a failing of mine I’m sure) but it’s nice people are trying to suuport their friend. Anyhow, good post.

This came across very tactfully, and is an important thing to add to the cacophony and blind outcries happening right now. I have nothing more to add.

I think you did as good a job w/ this post.

I think what ppl from the outside looking in don’t get is, it’s NOT a clearcut case of Jefferson being vilified for his sexuality. And it’s not simply that he wrote about his sex life and also happened to have kids (which would be the classic “parent” == “not sexualized” fear response) - it’s that he wrote about his sex life and his kids in a very public way in the same forum… AND arguably took advantage of insecure women AND has a drinking problem.

I think (hope) that there’s got to be a way to fight the very REAL problems of sexual stigmatization and compartmentalization of sexuality without harming oneself in the process… and there’s got to be away to address these issues without letting someone’s bad behavior go excused unde the guise of it. Because no one is talking about that other stuff. Maybe - and I can understand this - they think it’ll make the sex blogging community “look bad” somehow. But the solution is certainly NOT to close ranks and sweep it under the rug for the sake of party unity.

I hate that there’s really no way to say any of this without it sounding like blaming the victim; but the fact is, this situation is so much more complex than how it’s being painted.

The legitimate question remains of, why bring these issues up now, when he’s “down?” Why didn’t anyone speak up before? And yeah, that’s a damn good question. Of course, it’s bc it’s germane to bring them up now; and I can’t fault people for not wanting to invite drama prior to this. But the mere fact that no one has wanted to touch it at all is telling.

Thank you for being a voice of reason in this! I said a similar thing (though not so tactfully and with my own emotions mixed in), but it makes me feel so much better that I’m not the only one that feels this way.

[…] Read the rest here […]

You and I both know Jefferson in real life, and the main reason I broke off relations with him after almost 2 years was the drinking. I laid it out on the table, and he chose the liquor. There were entire nights that he didn’t remember, and lord knows what transpired during those times.

Even though the kids were never exposed to the acts that vilify Jefferson, they have met people like you and I. I don’t think we’re bad people, and I don’t think we’ve put them in harms way… however that isn’t going to matter to the court. He meticulously planned around his family obligations, and that is very much noted in the blog. I hope that counts for something.

My blog was ousted by my family one dreary winter day and ended up getting me kicked out of my home. I know all too well how horrible this feels, and I do sometimes regret publicly posting… but in hindsight, I’m glad I did it. I don’t think I can say the same for him though. I sincerely hope things work out, but I can’t say that this wasn’t bound to happen sooner or later

Much love,
Secret Shelby aka Scarlett

I’m glad you spoke up. The situation is much larger then base cry for help mixed its own personalized logo to help fight the cause. It is a much larger issue, and I think its a shame that a lot of smart people in the blogging community are perpetuating what is in large part, a sham.

You are right, this man is enabled by the company he keeps, and based on the fact that he has been able to keep up with this life of no responsibility for a number of years now, the company he keeps is no surprise. Make no mistake, he is a smart loving man who has made a lot of people smile outside the bedroom as well as in, his sex life, his constant need to be on “Permafuck” and his consumption of Alcohol are large problems that he will never have to face as long as he continues to get a free ride.

There must be balance, and there must be truth, or else there is nothing, and no point to anything, you or anyone else in this community is doing.

Well said, Audacia. You live up to your name with this brave and cogent post.

This couldn’t have been easy. Glad you went with your gut and chose to exercise your First Amendment rights.

Good for you for speaking up.

Again, I don’t know Jefferson or know any of the situation in detail, but I do agree. I am more public with my blog than most, because I know I have much less to lose. My family (with the exception of my grandfather) knows about it, my jobs know about it, my friends and partners know about it. Were these not the circumstances, I would be MUCH less public about it, write far fewer details, etc.

I don’t have an answer for this, but I applaud you for writing down your true feelings.

Having met Jefferson a few times but obviously not enough to have the full picture, I’m still struggling to understand how any of this impacts on his ability to be a good dad. And that’s what we’re talking about here. Not Jefferson the lover or the blogger or the drinker or the unemployed guy but Jefferson, the dad. Is he neglecting his kids? Are they are in danger? Are they roaming the streets, getting into trouble because he hasn’t kept his eye on them. Because frankly, if he’s a good dad and he loves his kids and they love him, then the rest of this shit really doesn’t matter. Speaking as a parent, sex blogger and writer of a couple of pretty graphic books about my sex life, I’ve had the same kind of accusatory remarks hurled at myself; that because I write about my sex life in the public forum I must be a bad mom. And I’ve defended myself often enough that I don’t even want to begin to do it here. What everyone might like to do is remember that what this boils down to is being a good dad and his ability to raise kids. If that’s questionable, then the courts will decide.

[…] Waking Vixen » Blog Archive » The Dilemma of Jefferson: My Dissenting Voice "It would be simpler if this case was just about the issue of Jefferson’s bisexuality. But it isn’t." (tags: law legal blogging sexuality) […]

@Suzanne Portnoy

I think most people will agree that Jefferson seems like a good father and that without a doubt he loves them very much. The way I put it when I first heard of the custody challenge was that he was a terrible boyfriend but absolutely does not deserve to lose his kids.

I think the issue being raised by Dacia or myself and Tess now at Urban Gypsy, is whether or not the community should continue to support (enable) one our members who has not shown to be able or willing to support himself.

i really appreciate your perspective on this. i have very conflicted emotions about this - while i don’t think that jefferson should lose his kids, i have a hard time reconciling the picture painted by the FOJ with the guy who displayed such emotional callousness towards my friend. thanks for expressing your opinion in such a clear and concise way.

Sure, Avah, I totally get that but it seems to me there are alot of mixed messages here. If you don’t like the guy, then by all means, you don’t have to contribute to the fund. But basically what I’m saying is that irregardless of that, he doesn’t deserve to lose his kids because of some of the claims made against him, none of which have anything to do with his parenting skills.

I’m glad to see you raise these issues. While I think we should help Jefferson out for altruistic reasons, I also agree that he has given his ex a dagger to use on him. That having been said, it’s a sad situation that his ex can use his sexuality as a dagger to wound him this way.

Interestingly, when Jefferson’s “pussy posse” perceived me as attacking him about the age of his playmates, a gaggle of them descended on our blog and proceeded to denounce me. Jefferson even said I was “stalking” him, though I don’t read “One Life, Take Two.” Perhaps you will have better luck in pointing out some obvious contradictions in this very talented, but also apparently very troubled writer.

Suzanne Portnoy,
There are reasons (which have nothing at all to do w/ sexuality) to question Jefferson’s ability to provide for his kids, but I don’t feel comfortable bringing them up because it starts to veer into invasion of privacy territory, and it feels a little creepy to me. This is essentially a non-comment, I know, but I wanted to say *something*, just so people know that there *is* more to this story than even Dacia has posted here. There’s backstory that the casual blog reader won’t and can’t be expected to know.

It’s a tough topic all around, but yeah, there are things people will use against you given half a chance, and it does seem to be more than his sex life. I don’t see how what you’ve pointed out is anything making him a villain, he’s a human, with complicated human things going on in his life. I hope things turn out okay for him, but yes, it was a chance he took, undoubtedly knowing it could be a risky one.

[…] My comments on Dacia’s post from yesterday… […]

When I first came across this plea to financially throw him a bone, my heart strings were pulled. I hate the thought of someone losing their kids, especially if it’s a bid from a pot-smoking mother to dig the knife a little deeper into her ex’s back. (He’s mentioned that their oldest son knows his mother smokes pot, so couldn’t she potentially lose her kids for that?) I cannot, however, forget that he asked for Christmas presents for his kids this past year, money to move when his former in-laws decided to evict him, and now money for legal fees. At what point does the panhandling stop? My husband and I are almost broke ourselves, is it right for us to ask others (besides my immediate/extended blood family) to support us if an emergency happened?

I’m neutral in this b/c I don’t know him, only read his blog and twitter, but I am becoming a bit more callused to his plight. If he is indeed an alcoholic, then it’s something to be dealt with, not enabled.

Thank you for this post. I wobbled about putting up a link to the appeal, and then decided to post it, partly because I’ve been grateful for the support of bloggers when I’ve needed it.

I’m torn on the issue. As a blogger, the idea of what I write being used against me strikes fear into my heart, but it’s a risk that I accept I take, and the consequences would not be so extreme. It’s obvious that there is so much more than accusations of bisexuality being used as a weapon here.

The fact remains that without the proof of the blog, it’s entirely possible that Jefferson’s ex would have no idea of what he did in his spare time, and he is hardly the only parent in the world to have secrets. But the fact also remains that he has courted publicity, which always risked exposing his children to the rest of his life, and that could count more against him than bukkake parties, or some of the other stories floating around the blogosphere.

Brave post.

I know what I’m about to say is a bit of a cliche, but is no-one thinking of the children here. I don’t feel qualified to pass judgement on Jefferson, his predilictions, his suitability as a father or whatever, but that’s not even the point. Somehow, the courts will have to make a judgement on what is best for the children, by weighing up their mother’s story against their father’s. Currently, their mother has the money to put her case strongly, and their father does not, and in a legal system that’s fueled by money, that’s not a healthy state of affairs.

What I would say to anyone who doesn’t know whether to contribute or not, is not to do so on the basis of whether you think Jefferson deserves to keep his kids. Do it if you think his children deserve to have both sides of the story put in front of whoever is going to make judgement, so that they have the best possible information on which to make that decision.

Having said that, however, I think we should all take note of the mistakes Jefferson has made that has got him in this situation, if only to ensure we don’t to the same to our families. I wish him luck, but I suspect this won’t end well for him.

A very brave and important post. Thank you for this, Audacia.

But Suzanne, did Jefferson ask you to take down your Huffington Post piece? Or was that okay because it was in support of him? (For the record, he didn’t ask me to take down my Tumblr posts, just to not further comment on it unless I was copying and pasting verbatim the FOJ text).

I think there are valid reasons for many to support his custody case, and by all means, I think people should contribute to the Friends of Jefferson Fund if they wish to. But I’m pretty shocked and outraged at the idea being put forth that the only discussion about this should be, well, no discussion. Just repost that plea and agree with it because you’re a “sex-positive” blogger. I think that’s bullshit and reflects poorly on him. Clearly, several people have dissenting voices, and to try to shut down that discussion in the name of a custody battle - well, that’s Jefferson’s right, but aside from any issues about his lifestyle people have, makes me not want any part of that “cause.”

No Rachel, he didn’t ask me to shut it down. To be fair, all of this seems to have opened up a huge can of worms that has very little to do (at least from what has been written on various blogs) about Jefferson the parent but lots to do with his not-so-personal life.

@RKB I agree with you completely about the censorship. I think people should be able to make an informed decision about whether to donate to him and that can’t be done without debate (not gossip) and seeing both sides of the spectrum. The FOJ post is absolutely ludicrous and is basically written like a scam- painting Jefferson as a victim and his case is going to protect all of our rights.

Famous court cases are debated all the time on TV while the case is still happening. The law is supposed to be impartial. And besides, I really doubt Jefferson’s ex needs any more proof against him. Nothing new is really being said.

Yeah, I fucked pretty much all of these commenters. Bitches weren’t complaining then.

Have fun with the flaying, y’all.

Wow. Jefferson, you’re worried about how what these women say about you impacts your case when you’re willing to write a comment like that? Way to lose all sympathy from those who might have otherwise felt for you

I read all the comments and I was ready to play devils advocate. Truly, I was. Then I read Jeffersons comment.

While I admit that I don’t know the whole story, I do know this-

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Isn’t that how it goes? Well, shame on me.

Instead of leaving comments like the one you left here, Jefferson, why not leave well enough alone? You said yourself that every discussion was an email waiting to be sent to the State of New York. Is that what you want them to see from you?

We all have problems and issues. It’s how we handle those problems and issues that the world sees. How are you going to handle the things that have been said? What are you showing the world right now, Jefferson?

Audacia, I haven’t been here very often but it’s an oversight that I will correct. You stated your thoughts and opinions like an adult and you’re to commended for that.

Not me, Jefferson, and “bitches” hardly earns you friends in a time when it seems you might need them. Your situtation is unfortunate for certain, and yes, probably very unfair in many regards, but is further alienating people or bragging about your alleged sexual conquests at this time really, oh, the smartest thing in the world to be doing?

Oh and by the way, just to clarify…
I may certainly be a bitch, but I have never (as he so eloquently put it) been fucked by Jefferson.

{Sorry, Audacia…had to clear up that one small detail.}

Have to echo The Butterfly Temptress - you can decide whether I’m a bitch or not, but I’ve never fucked Jefferson either (we may be a small minority, but we exist!).

Full disclosure, yes, I did fuck Jefferson, back in early 2005. But my lack of wholehearted enthusiasm for the Friends of Jefferson fundraising campaign is not related to that.

As to whether I’m a bitch? Eh. It’s in the eye of the beholder, I suppose. But when people throw that word around my reaction tends to be, “Consider the source.”

Actually I’m pretty sure I complained the whole 2 years I was with Jefferson.

My apologies for the comment. It was not helpful.

I just woke in a world of hurt today, seeing how so many people I’ve cared about and trusted are now treating me with such cruelty and disdain. I guess the stress got to me; this is a very trying time.

So I will do the smart thing and work, leaving this to y’all.

Wow. Somehow even though I have been a somewhat vocal opponent of Jefferson’s actions for some time now, a fact he has been aware of through my friendship with Diva, even I would not have predicted a comment from him showing such a depth of contentment for women.

I have a question. Does Jefferson take issue with the facts as they are presented or simply that they have been presented at all?

And for the record, I have never fucked Jefferson.

Whoah.

I read one of the pleas yesterday with a lot of confusion & some resentment, but only hunch-based since a) I don’t personally know Jefferson (and certainly haven’t fucked him), and b) I’ve only read maybe 3 halves of blog posts from him; I linked to him & figured my readers might be interested in what he had to say & he seemed to be a blog celebrity and nice guy with an interesting angle, but I personally never got hooked on reading him so couldn’t totally put my finger on why I was annoyed by the plea for help, but it was something like, “if this guy spent this much time away from home fucking & socializing, and this much time blogging, I wonder what his wife and kids were left doing all that time — clearly internet friends have no real clue what was up and I really fucking doubt the whole thing hinges on his bisexuality, and if his blog details a lifestyle that took a lot of time and energy away from being an active parent AND/OR is an indicator of what an awesome dad he is and how much he loves his kids, then of course it’s relevant to the case and has nothing to do with a violation of first amendment rights; it (was) a fucking public blog! There’s no right guaranteeing that when you self-publish on the internet, you then get to decide who reads it (aka not judges and lawyers and court-appointed advocates, but everyone else!).

I guess what pissed me off is that I was being guilted into blindly supporting a stranger under the guise of being outraged about civil rights violations that *are* really heavy and people *are* under fire for everyday, but are probably not the whole (or even part when it comes to his blog being used against him) foundation of his problems and this confirms it. Strangers on the internet have no clue what the whole story is in a situation like this and using discrimination & free speech to garner sympathy and raise money for a guy whose life is a fucking mess where his kids don’t appear to be the number one or two priority he acts on, probably in large part due to his own choices (not just his orientation or blogging), annoys me when there really are people being unfairly persecuted for their sex preference or the actual media they’ve created. They’re not trying to put him in prison for blogging about bisexuality and wild and crazy partying (but people ARE being prosecuted for making porn, writing obscene stories, etc. elsewhere), they’re using his own words as evidence in a custody case which I think is totally fucking fair game. In the absence of information that’s none of the WWW’s business, if someone isn’t really a REAL LIFE friend of Jefferson I think it’s fucked up to call this a discrimination and free speech issue that we should all care about and ask us to take sides against his wife and potentially his kids if he really may not in a position to have custody of them (not that any non meatworld friend could possibly BE in a position to judge that).

I don’t know how Suzanne Portnoy can say that a major drinking problem doesn’t say anything about someone’s parenting abilities or suitability for custody once a single parent. That’s just ludicrous. And saying “lose his kids” as though he’s going to be sent to a gulag instead of just not having full or partial custody is a little over the top.

E: the remark, “all of this seems to have opened up a huge can of worms that has very little to do (at least from what has been written on various blogs) about Jefferson the parent but lots to do with his not-so-personal life.”

When strangers are being manipulated into thinking major civil rights injustices are taking place that are somehow applicable to all sex positive bloggers & other large groups of people and by contributing money we would somehow be helping to fight those injustices, it’s fair to bring up his “not-so-personal life” to let people know this is probably a PERSONAL problem, not so much a chilling legal problem with grave implications for all of us who have sex blogs, aren’t straight, have kids, etc.

I don’t wish Jefferson ill — my interest in the discussion has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the rest of us; I *don’t* think his personal life has much or anything to do with me and I resent being lured into thinking it does when there are so many more clearcut cases of civil rights violations out there that we could funnel money and attention towards fighting.

I probably don’t belong in this conversation because a) I don’t know Jefferson, b) I’m not a “sex blogger” (but I’m an erotica writer) and c) I’m not a part of the circle of people who all know each other’s dirt behind the blogs. However, I did read Jefferson’s blog off and on and, as with other “anonymous” sex bloggers I’ve read over the years, was surprised at what he was willing to write about– “anonymously,” of course, without seeming to realize the repercussions if he were found out.

There seems to be a major ego-trip at play here and it all boils down to personal responsibility. Jefferson chose to share his personal life as “a parent, and pervert, living in New York City.” Um… hello? Get out much? That little catch phrase is going to raise eyebrows in 95% of the population. The fact that he wrote his blog anonymously suggests he knew what he was writing could be used against him. The fact that he continued to do so, under a thinner and thinner veil of so-called anonymity, suggests he didn’t care about being found out. That seems to be the Achilles heel of some anonymous bloggers– they crave attention (and book and film deals) and the only way to get that attention is to “reveal” more and more of themselves. Now that he’s having his words used against him, Jefferson cares. He cares big time. He can’t cry foul when he set himself up– and he can’t ask others not to blog about whatever the hell they want to blog about (including his not-so-private personal life) when he didn’t have the sense to exercise some restraint in his own blog.

This case– and Jefferson’s plea for donations– is not about Jefferson being a sex blogger, it’s about whether Jefferson is a fit parent. I haven’t a clue whether Jefferson is a good father and I’m guessing most of the people who are making donations to his fund don’t have a clue, either. Based on what I’ve read on his blog, he seems to love his children very much. Love, however, does not equal good parenting. Sorry, it just doesn’t. The fact that he is begging for financial assistance from “his” people in the sex positive/sex blogger community, suggests he doesn’t understand what personal responsibility is all about and is trying to make a tenuous connection between his screwed up life and the sex blogging community. What next? Will he be asking for donations to take his kids to Disney World? Does that make him a good parent? Does anyone want to donate to my animal fund, because I have a bunch of ailing pets with medical problems? No? Why not? Oh, right, it’s my problem I took in a bunch of homeless animals, not yours. Good thing I have excellent credit, since my vet bills were over ten grand last year.

Jefferson and his ex are not the first couple to become embroiled in a custody battle. Please. I know four couples who have been through the same thing in the past year. And if you’ve ever witnessed (or experienced) a custody fight, you know this to be fact: any and all dirt will be hung out for all to see. Anything you’ve ever done will be used against you. Custody fights are nasty things. Drug and alcohol problems, physical and verbal abuse, workaholic tendencies, extramarital affairs, questionable parenting skills, relatives who have served time in prison, inability to provide a nurturing home environment, moving cross country for a boyfriend, manic depression– I’ve seen all of these used as reasons for one parent to get sole custody. Jefferson may want to present himself as the first beleaguered father (or mother) to have to defend himself in court, but he’s not– nor will he be the last. The fact that he’s trying to tie this to some bigger cause is laughable– this isn’t about freedom of speech or creating a happy, sex-positive world. And, contrary to what Jefferson has posted on his now defunct blog, this isn’t about “three children.” This, like his blog, is all about Jefferson and what Jefferson wants and what Jefferson perceives as the wrong that has been done to him by his ex, who has her own agenda. Where’s her fund?

In a perfect world, we could all write what we want to write without fear of repercussions. Hell, in a perfect world, marriage would last forever and custody fights wouldn’t exist. We don’t live in a perfect world and Jefferson knows this, which is why he wrote his blog anonymously. He can’t now pretend he didn’t know the risks and play the victim while others foot the bill.

Like other people have said, there is more going on here than just Jefferson’s side of the story. There always is. Before people go throwing their money at his “cause,” they might want to consider that this is not about Jefferson the sex blogger. This is about Jefferson the father. I’m not saying Jefferson is a bad father– but I can’t say he’s a good father, either. Can you?

Thanks for writing about this, Audacia.

@Kristina wright- You brought up a very valid point about child custody disputes. So many of us have been there. I really do feel for Jefferson, not only because I know how former spouses can be but because I know that right about now he’s probably wishing he could go back and make all of it go away. The thing is, he can’t. It’s there and it’s not going away. As I said before, how he handles it is completely up to him.

People believe that if they put something on the web and decide later to delete it that it magically goes away. Not so. It’s there and it may very well be there years from now. That’s how this thing works.

We all make mistakes. We all do things that we are less than proud of and usually it’s using supposed anonimity to do it. We’re not anonymous. Not a single one of us, whether we use our real names or pen names. We’re out there. Anyone who wants to find out who we are badly enough will find a way to do it. That most certainly includes former spouses and pissed off family members.

Situations like this are going to make it hard for the next guy or gal who really does need help because their sexuality truly is the issue. It’s going to make all of us hesitate to open our pockets to fellow members of the blogging community, even when the need is real and the story is true. In a world where all too often we’re left to fight alone this is the last thing we needed; to once again be reminded that things are not always what they seem.

Do onto others, Jefferson.

I have not fucked Jefferson. Hell, I don’t even know the man. What I do know is that I came across the FOJ banner on someone’s website and my automatic reaction was outrage and sympathy. I have a supportive family, even though I’m a pain junkie with submissive tendencies and write dirty, dirty novels with an autobiographical bent. So of course I wanted to help in any way I could. But something held me back? What? I honestly don’t know.

I could have easily clicked on the link, made a donation, posted the link on my blog and encouraged others to do the same but something just didn’t sit well with me.

Because of a severe allergy, I have no children. (Yes, you can be allergic to children.) But as a person who has seen a good friend go down a similar road, I know how 1) Alcoholism can affect a child. 2) One’s sexual leanings can affect a child (this is not the case with everyone, of course)

We all have the God given (or whatever deity or non-deity you chose) right to pursue our bliss. Whether it be sexually, monetarily, etc but as a person who is responsible for shaping and molding a young impressionable mind I’d think there’d be some restraint in the mix.

Yeah, I fucked pretty much all of these commenters. Bitches weren’t complaining then.

Have fun with the flaying, y’all.

This doesn’t equal restraint to me. And neither does some of the information in this post. Once again, I am an outsider looking in but I am an outsider who almost became involved (by my donation and encouraging others to do the same) without all the information. Sure, I still don’t have all the information but I have more than I started out with and I thank you for that Audacia.

signed Anonymous for a reason

This comment is not to dispute what has already been said or to defend anything Jefferson has said/done/written. I will purposely make this vague so that even he doesn’t know who is writing it.

I can’t speak for anyone else’s experience but my own, but if we are going to talk about his character - I think someone has to say something positive before he is completely crucified.

I met Jefferson and he opened his home to me. He invited me to share my fantasies and then he made them come true. He’s never judged me and has allowed me to explore my sexuality in a safe environment. For this I truly thank him.

As for those who say he took from you - people can’t take from you what you don’t willingly give them.

“I met Jefferson and he opened his home to me. He invited me to share my fantasies and then he made them come true.”

“As for those who say he took from you - people can’t take from you what you don’t willingly give them.”

Tell me your deep dark secrets, your fantasies and I will then make them miraculously come true. I will then use them and everything I learn along the way to manipulate you. I will listen to you, stroke you. comfort you when significant others won’t, and yes even be a friend to you. Actually look up the definition of a sociopath and you stand corrected. Welcome to the world of personality disorders.

Bottom line is when you have children and are divorced, custody is always going to be an issue. That means that your JUDGMENT is going to be questioned. After all you are responsible for shaping the morals of these children you bore. Having lived a very colorful life myself and being a single parent, one of the things you learn is to never, ever bring your residence into the picture. I don’t care who the hell you fuck (ie your random one nighters), but don’t bring them into your house. You don’t know who the hell they are - who knows when the person you figured was so innocent has the switch flipped and decides to stalk and go after you (and your family). Bad judgment. Drinking: we all have had times of excess but when the folks around you are starting to make comments, supposed loved ones - take note. And blogging - well as much as we all would like it to be truly anonymous. It isn’t. Never assume it is.

What is sad is that many of us like/love J. Should he lose custody …no. Will it be restricted - likely. My first husband’s was restricted due to alcohol. Bottom line is you have to show good judgment. As much as we all like to rebel against the system (particularly myself), sometimes you HAVE to play the game. It is a wake up call. It is also a wake up call on that you can’t always pull out the smoke and mirrors and expect everyone to follow.

If there is a “committee”, why not state who is on the committee? Political advertisements have to add who paid for the advertisement, so why not state something like that? It would certainly look more legit.

@Anonymous 2 re: “people can’t take from you what you don’t willingly give them.”

Are you for real???

Trixie,
That made me do a serious double-take as well.

“As for those who say he took from you - people can’t take from you what you don’t willingly give them.”

Really? Tell that to the guy who raped me when I was 12. Did I willingly give up my virginity b/c he got me drunk and drug me off onto the beach, and I thought at the time we were just going for a walk? Come on. Don’t be so banal.

OK, if you’re a female blogger and you’re doing this I want you to close your eyes and imagine you have children and a sex-blog (unless your commenters are also children, in which case, how fun! kids are so innocent! i love teddy bears!). If you’re like me, you might already be thinking that you’re gonna use a psuedonym for the kids’ sake, that you’ll hold certain things back (”hey, i hear your dad fucked five girls last weekend!” isn’t music to any child’s ears).

‘Cause let’s be honest: “sex-positive” doesn’t mean the same thing for women as it does for men. I’ve literally had my entire life fall to pieces because of my internet presence, so I know how fucking ridiculous the cyber-police are when it comes to what the rest of the world is legally allowed to take issue with.

For me, “sex positive” means that, although I’m a woman, I’m still allowed to desire and crave things, that all sex isn’t rape, that sexuality is fluid and that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my own — all things that men take for granted. So I just think it’s silly for anyone to use that term across genders, sorry. I’m with RKB’s unrest for the term in this application as well.

I never read Jefferson’s blog — I’d always link to it ’cause everyone did, and he seemed to be a sex celeb, but I never got into it I guess.

[Also: that apology up there is lame. He said it. Not some bad version of him, not some “not me” psychological “having a hard time” whatevs. HE said it. And you can’t just support words and freedom of speech when it works for your agenda. But of course he wants to erase what he just did because he’s not into repercussions, just action, obvs!]

He’s pissed because he doesn’t think about repercussions, he just thinks about action and then more action — he says something douchebaggy, he apologizes, there, done, move on, like there is no past, only now, he is in charge of the present. He can tell RKB to stop writing about him but not address his non-desire to censor HuffPo. He can call everyone a bitch and then apologize. Just as he’s entitled to drink as much as he wants and still expect privileges (I don’t know any woman who carries that kind of entitlement) like actually having girls around him. He’s entitled to being the king of the male sex blog-gods. He’s entitled to have everything just the way he wants it.

I can’t imagine thinking I could blog about sex and my children and think it couldn’t be held against me. If his character was as sterling as he says it was and the blog doesn’t speak to that, then I’d imagine his wife would probably want to give him custody.

I can’t imagine thinking that because I don’t feel entitlement. I don’t expect everything to go my way and if it doesn’t — I’ll find a way to make it my way. I expect that if I do something, I might have to live with the reaction, not just new action.

Those moments when the self-doubt kicks in my mind: “can i say this? will this be used against me?” — I hate that, like RKB said in her post there’s nothing that pisses me off more than being told what i can and can’t write. Literally I’ve lost things, jobs, friends, people, I’ve had total breakdowns over that exact situation, I fucking love my freedom of speech more than I even love employment or health, apparently.

But just because it’s liberating doesn’t mean it’s necessary. He just never thought it could be used against him, because he never imagines that anyone will dare to cross his path — and if they do, they’ll never win because he has the support of the sex-bloggers behind him. That’s your part, people. This is the part where you rise up behind him like he always thought you would, or you go run your own show that’s responsible and pragmatic.

P.S. [I just read that and wanted to be sure that it’s clear that in no way is that comment meant to imply that I think non-monogamy is inherently an irresponsible lifestyle to talk about when you have children, ’cause that’s not what I believe. I mean — I believe quite strongly in non-monogamy but I also know it’s complicated — usually even more complicated than “traditional” relationships, just like a single Mom who’s actively dating has to think about her children in a way she didn’t when she’d dated before having them — and I’d expect anyone, whether in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship or actively dating or gay or a monkey or a donkey or a pineapple or whatevs — to take whatever degree of responsibility is necessary to ensure that they handle their own sexualities while child-rearing with a certain degree of consciousness, and tact. I wouldn’t want the father of my children calling women “bitches” in a public forum, or drinking enough that he could potentially be really irresponsible while posting. And certainly not one who doesn’t even sound humble in his requests for help. It’s never “can you do this for me?” it seems instead to be; “c’mon, you have to do this, it would be lame/”bad for children”/in violation of the first ammendment and your sex positivity not to!”]

Okay. I’m not a member of the whole community that’s grown around having sex with Jefferson. I just read the blogs sometimes because my life is pretty dull and it’s nice to think that someone, somewhere, is having fun.

Here’s what it looks like to me. To Jefferson’s detractors, this is about their reasons for not liking him. (Which are totally legitimate.) And to his supporters, this is about a custody case. (Which is also legitimate.) And everyone has selective memories.

Look, I don’t mean this as an attack on anyone. But I’ve seen a lot of the names here in past posts elsewhere, gushing about Jefferson like he was this magical guy who transported them to this whole new world that was in them all along. As far as I can tell, all of the writers got together with him willingly, and in most cases repeatedly. This is NOT to say that any awful behavior towards you was your fault — that’s all on him. (Unless you requested it, in which case he should have been more sensitive… unfortunately, this can be said for a lot of doms.) Maybe you felt manipulated or taken advantage of — and if you feel that way, then it’s fair to say you were. That’s a risk you take with anyone. From my perspective, Jefferson has a big sign over him that says “this man will sleep with anyone that shows up at his door - proceed with caution, even if you think you’re cool with it,” but it probably looks different from ground-level. As it were.

“Enable” is an apt word. But what was being enabled? I think it was Jefferson’s own self-perception. And, you know, if I kept seeing myself written about in glowing terms, or periodically being consulted as an “expert,” or being given everything I asked for, I might start feeling a little invincible, too. Would I do something as massively stupid as post a lot of identifying characteristics on my salacious anonymous blog? I’d like to think I wouldn’t. But, then, my life isn’t that interesting.

And now everything’s blown up, and there are people poking at the debris and talking about how they never really thought he was all that. A lot of the people doing the poking haven’t publicly said anything negative about Jefferson in the past. (Yes, you are entitled to change your mind. Please bear with me.) I know that if it seemed to me that the people who I thought had my back were coming at me with torches, I’d be pretty upset. Throw in a legal battle, and it would feel a lot like getting kicked when I was down. I might even stupidly, offensively lash out. And I’d wonder why, if everyone hated me so much, they didn’t say anything to me about it in private. (Yes, you may have actually spoken with him before. Again: Selective memory.)

For the record, I’m not donating any money, because a) I’m broke, and b) I don’t have enough objective information about the case. That’s why I’ve been reading the blogs - I keep hoping that someone has a link to objective information unclouded by rhetoric and bad experiences. Because until then, it’s just me and my long-ass perspective, and the Nancy Drew in me just wants the facts.

[…] — Commenter riese on that ongoing thread […]

Clearly when I said that people can’t take what what you don’t give them I was talking about the situation at hand - women giving Jefferson money, booze, gifts for his children. Did he force them to give these things? Hardly.

As for him manipulating people when they told him their fantasies - he is a 44 year old man, divorced, 3 kids, has a sex blog, fucks half the population, drinks likes a fish and states openly he is not looking for monogamy on his website. If you had delusions that this man was going to become emotionally involved with you or make some kind of commitment to you then you need to use your common sense. Wake up ladies, wake up.

@Anonymous 2 Well then lucky you for not being deluded into thinking he actually gave a flying fuck about you or any of the people that walked through that door.

Jefferson is a man with 1,000 faces and the way he is with any 2 people will always be different. And while some of it is standard behavior with every person (the same kisses, the same googly eyes, the same lies), every time I talk to another lover of his I find out something astonishing that I never knew before. And this is after being with him for 2 fucking years.

Half the ladies you’re telling to “wake up” haven’t even fucked the man. And the other half finally stopped.

But you’re sitting there defending him. Who is that really needs to wake up?

I’m not defending him or anything he has done. I’m only pointing out the obvious.

Rock on, Riese(’s comments)! One thing that made me stop and think though was the notion of men being able to take for granted sex positive stuff like “fluid sexuality”: that’s one area where men really do not have it as good as women, in exploring their pansexuality, which is probably why this whole “on the grounds I’m bisexual!” claim is such a key issue.

@some chick You broke everyone down into two camps: Jefferson’s “detractors” and his supporters. Again, it’s not about that for a lot of us who are critical of the FOJ’s plea for money & attention. It’s about someone’s (could be anyone’s in Jefferson’s position) trying to turn his personal problems into civil rights issues. This is not all about us (especially those who don’t know him, don’t read him, never fucked him, etc.) not liking him, it’s about whether or not we should champion his cause and throw $20k at him as a civil rights case that has implications for all kinky parents, bi dads, sex bloggers, etc.

When you see “it can happen to you” and in bold, “among her claims is that his bisexuality makes him an unfit parent” you have to wonder . . . hmmm, could this really happen to me? Or is there a fuck of a lot of info being withheld here (like that he has a serious substance abuse problem)? What are his ex’s OTHER claims and might some of them be really legit? Is boiling them down to bisexuality an oversimplification and/or a downright manipulation/dishonest misrepresentation of his predicament (like maybe changing “he cheated on me with a whole bunch of partners and had sex with men and did all of this in irresponsible ways” to “he had sex with MEN!”)?

As a pansexual pornographer with a kinky internet presence who plans to have kids with her transsexual partner, I care about civil rights issues like the ones being USED here, and I do think scary things are happening in the halls and backrooms of “justice” that are discriminatory, violate the first amendment, and are just totally FUCKED that could RUIN MY LIFE, my kids’ lives if we do wind up having any, and my partner’s life. So I take it kind of personally when someone (and his supporters) misleads people into thinking he is in one of those situations created solely by discriminatory legal practices and social norms. It’s like crying wolf for help when you set your own pants on fire; like another commenter posted, it takes money and attention away from cases and situations that really deserve it AND makes it that much harder for critics to believe it when progressive folks complain about someone’s rights being trampled.

For all of my alt lifestyle ways, Jefferson’s situation COULD NOT happen to me, and again, I resent being told it could and that he needs $20k so I can keep being kinky and blogging about it, etc. I really appreciate being given a little peek at more of the truth, and I don’t think any FOJ have yet said, “that about him having a serious drinking problem is a bald-faced lie!” I appreciate hearing from someone who knows him that there is more to this than a great dad being called an unfit parent just because he’s bi and blogs about it.

I never thought that I would see the day where I would feel the need to defend Jefferson but here I am doing just that.

I appreciate the new consensus that the emperor really doesn’t have any clothes.

But you knew that didn’t you? Or did you? Why now? Why not when he asked for Christmas presents, created an Amazon gift list, needed money to move, etc.? If memory serves, at least a few of you came through willingly for him those times. You knew then that he didn’t have any money and that he didn’t work a 9-5 job. It’s not as though this is a new development in his life.

Suddenly, it’s a problem for him to ask for money. If you don’t want to give for whatever reason then don’t. It’s really that simple. If you want to help him out then click the link and donate.

It appears to me that many have taken this opportunity to voice long harbored issues with Jefferson. Although some of these problems may be valid, why would you choose **now** to do it when he is obviously at a low point in his life? I find it shockingly cruel and beyond unsupportive.

Seems like when the going was good, many were willing to participate in his lifestyle. Now that there is trouble is has become a “personal problem” that Jefferson needs to bear alone. Weren’t some of you his friends?

Although Jefferson’s comment up thread is bad form, I have to say that if I put myself in his place, I would feel betrayed too. Today, he is an unemployed, on-the-verge of being homeless, drunk who quite possibly can’t take care of his kids. A few days ago, he was bon vivant Jefferson who introduced you to a side of yourself that you had been waiting all your life to discover. And you were so smitten that you had to tell the world on your blogs.

One of you dated him for two years. You must have liked something about him?

Another one of you was willing to put your name on a lease for him even though you are married to someone who presumably wouldn’t be aware of it. Should your marriage break up, would that be good for your own custody issues?

Seems petty and fickle to turn on Jefferson now. You’ve had all the time that you’ve known him to do it. Why now?

Ok. Diatribe over.

@sapphire graham: while i understand and appreciate your point of view, i don’t think you realise the extent to which jefferson has manipulated these women.

i’ll disclose my own history first. i actually was not aware of the fact that jefferson does not keep a dayjob, or indeed any sort of job, until recently. i dated him briefly, but limited my contact with him after it became clear to me that my efforts to be with him were not reciprocated. this took the form of him cancelling a long weekend we were to spend together - i live in dc and had planned an entire photoshoot in new york around what i thought was a gap in his schedule. i still went to new york that weekend but i stayed with avah and didn’t see him. after that i decided that my trips to new york would be on my terms, not his.

and so it went for a few months, as i watched him treat avah with ever more disdain. she had serious issues with another relationship of his, and instead of listening to her he told her that she was being irrational and, basically, that her needs in the relationship didn’t matter. and avah really, really cared for him, so much so that she actually fronted him money for a trip in an attempt to repair the relationship. of course it didn’t work out - and the fact that she had lent him money made their breakup that much messier.

i will say that i thought jefferson’s christmas and apartment-moving solicitations were weird. at that point i was unaware of jefferson’s unemployment and the extent to which he was depending on his partners for money. it actually came as something of a shock to me, since during my visits to his upscale former apartment he tended to treat me. i am sure that i’m not the only woman in his life kept in the dark about his finances.

and as for the women who enabled him with financial support - well, i don’t know what your relationship history is, but i have, to my shame, found myself being manipulated like this in a relationship before. when IS a good time to come to terms with the fact that you’ve been conned? this is a really horrible time for jefferson, and i don’t envy him his position nor do i want his custody yanked, but when you’re dealing with a whole bunch of women who are in some cases just discovering how much wool has been pulled over their eyes i think you’ll find them hard-pressed to continue to put jefferson’s well-being over their own.

Here is what I personally love about this thread (and I say love with every bit of dripping sarcasm I can muster.) Everyone seems to be insisting that the FOJ plea for assistance left out details. That clearly this can’t be a custody case solely involving his sexuality and bisexuality. No, clearly the FOJ was lying and left out how there is alcohol abuse and his history of taking advantage of poor wayward adult woman who could not see from the very beginning that Jefferson was not going to treat them like the girlfriend/lover/partner that they fantasized about.

But do any of you know that? Have any of you seen the lawsuit on file? Have any of you seen the legal documents?

Nope. You haven’t.

And now, everyone KNOWS that it includes alcohol and womanizing. Now its become FACT, because it has been written on a BLOG. This game of telephone that you have all played in these comments has become truly ridiculous.

Some of you are here for sport. Some of you are gleeful to finally get the chance to kick the man when he is at his lowest. Some of you hope he loses his kids - out of spite.

It’s a shame. By pointing your fingers, you all look equally bad.

@Trixie — totally right on that, men do have a harder time being accepted for sexual fluidity without a doubt. I guess that’s why he’s pulling out that one thing. Although I feel like when it comes to the legal system and custody issue, that’s one place where women and men are treated equally (poorly) when it comes to bisexuality.

@boymeat — I think some people are here because it’s an interesting conversation that pertains to other sex-bloggers, writers and crusaders, because Jefferson himself started the dialogue, and because he’s asking for money in a way that suggests those of us who believe in sexual freedom ought to feel obligated to contribute and support.

Personally, I’m here ’cause I’m hoping that cases like his don’t overshadow people fighting for real sex-positive causes. Or maybe ’cause I couldn’t sleep last night.

I think people are saying these things about him because they are true, not because they enjoy pointing fingers. Right? It’s not being pulled out of thin air.

I just think freedom of speech deserves a better spokesperson. I don’t want him to be the sex-blogger freedom of speech ambassador.

Just would like to clarify as well; I too have never fucked Jefferson, and it seems like that was a gross over generalization.

Really, I was ok with being relatively neutral on this, but that was a rude and immature response. We’re supposed to give money to someone who calls women (including those he slept with) bitches?

Yeah.

*grumbles*

Good lord how pathetic. I am coming into this discussion as someone wholly out of this blogging community… heard about this trhought the grapevine. what a disgrace what SHAMEFUL enterprise this legal defense fund. The dude mixed things in a twisted way, sure well written, but so what, I’m sure there are some brilliantly revealing artistic poems by child molesters for their love of kids, or whatver, the point is the dude is a frikken creep. This is coming from someone who regularly fights for freedom of expression, involved in multiple causes to that effect. Those taking up this cause are enabling an a-hole, plain and simple. He is abusing the good faith of his friends in this effort. its is truly trully disgusting and just pathetic that so many have taken up his cause. Shame on everyone taking up this cause in the name of free speech, in the name of sexual positivity, bullshit. you are enabling horrible distasteful behavior. The guy is just not a nice person whatever happened to that?

I just want to thank you for posting this.
Not because I know any of you or Jefferson, but because I’ve been reading all these intertwined blogs for years now, and while I enjoyed the sexual content….I found the entries about Jefferson’s children to be widely inappropriate and infuriating..and it infuriated me that nobody else seemed to mind it. Rather the opposite, they found it perfectly normal to read about a child’s Christmas in between sex stories. That they felt charmed enough by it all to go fuck him based on that material… and not just fuck him, but take risks, experiment, engage in risky scenarios just made me grow more and more baffled. Not only that, I had to wonder if they had gone back into his archives as far as I had to read scenarios which involved less then honest/safe STI prevention, and scenarios where he seemed to be bullying girls into consenting to certain situations (ie. the random dudes coming over to watch them fuck for money). You could link to the girls blog and read the mixed emotions.

It was his choice to interject his kids into his sex blogging life, and now it’s his choice to try and exploit his sexuality as a victim during his custody battle. I’m sorry, but there are more issues at play then his interest in fucking men. He’s just trying to play bloggers sympathies. I assure you there are incidents even his routine partners had no knowledge of. I can not imagine how that many people going in and out of his apartment made for a healthy environment for his children. Were Jeffersons friends allowed in the kids rooms, or does he have that many spare bedrooms to fuck in? And anyway, who has time to fuck that many people, make a living, and raise multiple kids? I just do not understand, and I just don’t understand why so many people walked into that house and fucked him without questioning the same damn thing I did just from reading his blog. Now I’m not entitled to know more then what he puts out there public… but please don’t con job us now because you have to take responsibility for the fuck machine lifestyle persona he created.

@boymeat: why all of this “kicking him while he’s down” talk? these are blog comments, and i thought people were allowed discussion and aired grievances, no?

Some people seem genuinely concerned about the man, and others (quite a lot of commenters, actually) seem to have problems with him. Should they be discussed privately? Maybe. But who put the private discussion in the public domain? Jefferson. If one does not want speculation and discussion, then one should not bring it up.

All bubbles burst. Sadly, this may be that moment for him. Supporters have every right to feel upset if you think he’s being backed into a corner; but the reality is that he’s in the public forum divulging way too much information for someone who has children to think about! Sure, we can love his sex stories, but we can also be concerned for his family. We can also question why there are 3 pleas for money within a year. We have that right to question when it’s presented to us. When a panhandler on the street, seemingly well-dressed and well-fed, comes up asking for cash, do you automatically give it? I certainly don’t. I prefer to initiate the talk of giving away MY money. My money that I slaved to get.

Also, did anyone actually say they hope he loses his kids? I don’t remember seeing that comment. If one does believe it, however, maybe it’s because s/he hopes Jefferson gets a wake-up call that so many seem to agree he needs. Do I think he needs a wake-up call? I don’t know him. I just know the discussion on these blogs. His reality isn’t for me to decide. It’s his to create. These seem to be the consequences of that reality.

@Boymeat I think you should just stay out of things you really don’t belong in. Your beef is with me anyways, right?

The point isn’t even what the lawsuit actually says, it’s more about informing people who Jefferson really is before they go throwing their money away to a cause that should not be monitarily supported whatsoever.

@Avah - I have a “beef” with you? Hardly. The point IS precisely what the lawsuit says. The original post and subsequent comments have somehow perpetuated a new truth in which Jefferson is risking losing his kids because of alcohol and poor choices in women. Which is simply not the case.

Why would the SFDFEL have even agreed to take on the case if the lawsuit was solely targeting sexual preferences? Do you really think they would have put themselves out on the line if alcohol abuse and other lovely issues were included in the case? No, they wouldn’t.

It IS about being bisexual and a parent at the same time. It IS about being able to maintain a sex life and be able to talk about it on a blog and still be a parent. In many ways, this IS a sexual freedom case.

Is Jefferson a perfect man? Hardly. Is he a close friend of mine? Nope. But I do know he is a great father. And I know he risks losing his children for reasons that would set a very frightening precedence. I’d rather not see that happen.

Please do not try to make this about you Avah. Because, and this may surprise you, it has nothing to do with you.

I think its important to take a step back and look at the situation here without emotional attachment.

This Jefferson fellow put his sex and personal life out there on the web. Not in an anonymous fashion but in an alias form. That alias or cover was heavily promoted on the web to a point where in essence this alias was a public figure. This public figure has also asked on quite a few occassions for donations from his adoring public.

Now because his alias is blown he and his supporters expect everyone to go quiet on the subject?

And then hey have the audacity to not only expect everyone to go quiet on the subject but then give him more money?

I’m sorry but those that are saying ” shhhhh think about the children! ”
are just like that crazy youtube guy who screamed ” LEAVE BRITTNEY ALONE!” when she had her meltdown.

He put himself out there he cant just pull himself back in. Well he could actually pull himself back in.

1. Pull his pleas for cash off the web.
2. Stop blogging about his life from this day forward.
3. Put his own real life house in order and stay off the friggin web.

As per Boymeats comment:

“Is Jefferson a perfect man? Hardly. Is he a close friend of mine? Nope. But I do know he is a great father. ”

Come one… did you not know you were going to be descended upon for that…

Does a great father insist in type over and over again that he does not introduce his children to his lovers, and then use them as bait to get the heart strings of people he is involved with by way of introducing them? Come on now… raise your hand if you slept with this man and eventually ended up meeting the kids in one way or another… Did they look as happy as Jefferson had always made them out to be?

Does a great father allow a constantly rotating cast of anonymous partners and sex party friends to fuck/sleep/sweat in his children’s beds sometimes changing the sheets, sometimes not.

Does a great father get drunk in front of his kids again and again.

Does a great father have one room with two beds for 3 children?

Does a great father rely on others to supply his housing, children’s clothing, and holiday gifts?

Does a great father put his family at risk by being so selfish as to trumpet his ridiculous exploits again and again on the Internet and in popular print media?

Sorry, I think not. No kool-aid for me thank you.

Thanks, Audacia, for writing this post. I can’t imagine it must have been an easy one to write, especially in the small world of sex bloggers and sex-positive folk.

When I first saw the plea from FOJ, something didn’t seem quite right and I needed a little more information before deciding to support Jefferson’s cause. I also wondered why in a case that’s been presented as so clearly about a person losing his rights due to his sexuality, why wasn’t NCSF (The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom) mentioned as a supporter or interested party in this case? Maybe there’s more to it…

For the record, I know Jefferson. I met him a little over a year ago, and shortly thereafter hung out with him a few times and had sex with him a few times, too. Jefferson is a sweet man with a big heart, and there were times when his generosity and caring were really touching and healing for me.

I am not in any sort of regular contact with him at this point, and it’s not because of a falling-out or anything - although there were times when he pissed me off and I let him know it - it’s more of a drifting apart. I hold no ill will toward him, and I can’t imagine he would toward me.

But this I know (and this goes back to the “not feeling quite right” about the plea for money): Jefferson isn’t well, and people I know who are closer to him than I am tell me his health has gotten worse. When I say “not well” I mean self-destructive, including the drinking, as well as the sex addiction. (Yeah, I know, “sex addiction” is a BAD thing to say in a sex community, but there’s a major difference between being poly or sex-positive and being a sex addict.)

But, I’m not going to join the voices calling Jefferson a bad person. He’s a good guy, but he’s sick.

And yes, the people who are trying to spin this custody battle as a threat to my 1st Amendment Rights are enabling him, and in a big way. I know about substance abuse and codependency, and this smacks of it.

I can’t say whether Jefferson or his ex are good parents because I haven’t seen them parenting, and I’ve never met his children.

I CAN say that a self-destructive, addicted parent isn’t the best parent, no matter how much he loves his children. Illness, especially mental illness, doesn’t stay compartmentalized in a parent’s “private” life.

So here’s my radical idea: Once Jefferson’s legal battles are done, how about Jefferson’s friends get together and start a fund to get the guy some treatment. He needs help, and it isn’t a booze fund.

A healthy, happy Jefferson will be a better parent, friend, boyfriend, lover and person. To me, it seems the most compassionate use of everyone’s time, money and love.

And to those “friends” who continue to insulate Jefferson from the consequences of his own actions, and who stand by while he harms himself, what are YOU getting out of this?

“It IS about being bisexual and a parent at the same time. It IS about being able to maintain a sex life and be able to talk about it on a blog and still be a parent. In many ways, this IS a sexual freedom case.”

According to who? There are plenty of bisexual, blogging parents with joint custody, and their rights are protected. How do we know this case is about anything other then his ability to act as a fit parent, without neglect? I’d say his blog makes a strong case against him, just based on the context alone, even if you blacked out the sexual content. If there was enough in their to concern the sex blogging community then you better believe there’s enough in there to concern a Mother.

[…] addition, inspired by commenter riese (h/t t Amber Rhea): when you’ve apologized, don’t do that shit no more! Keeping on with […]

If I recall, he had told his wife that he was bi and had another child from another mother. I may be wrong, but that was one of the first few posts. So, if this is true, she didn’t suddenly find out that this was his sexual orientation, but sadly, this is the case that he is making out of the situation.

I wonder what he’s telling his family about the lawsuits and the causes that brought about the lawsuit. I guess a lot of things, we will still be wondering about.

@Trixie: I know I was waaaay oversimplifying things. Nothing’s ever that black and white. But as this discussion goes on, here and elsewhere, I just see it getting more and more binary: Either Jefferson is a bisexual man in danger of losing his kids, or Jefferson is a deranged freeloader who expects people he doesn’t know to provide him with sex, booze and money on his say-so.

How ’bout this: Jefferson is a guy to whom, in the past, people have willingly given sex, money and other assistance, because they felt sorry for them or because he asked. He’s in a situation where he needs money now, so he asked again. This time, instead of private grumbling, it’s provoked public outcry, and that outcry is getting tangled up with outcry over his faults as a father. Whether they’re part of the same issue or completely separate issues, or something in-between, is up to the individual and probably colored by their previous opinions of the guy.

As for whether “it can” - or can’t - “happen to you”: Peruse random blogs, and it’s clear that Jefferson’s not the only one out there guilty of over-sharing. Those of us in this discussion have obviously given the issue a lot of thought, and have decided what we are and aren’t comfortable with putting out there. So while it’s not likely to happen to us, there are a hell of a lot of people who could use the reality check: Anything you post becomes a matter of public record, whether or not you think it can come back to bite you in the ass.

This has been a very interesting discussion. I’d like to add a few things:

1. I lived with an alcoholic. Nothing that Jefferson has done in my presence (I’ve known him for about two years) has made me think he has a problem with alcohol. Obviously I don’t spend a great deal of time with him, but of all the accusations being hurled about, this is the one that most surprised me.

2. I agree with Boymeat: I don’t think the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund would have agreed to take his case if the lawyers there didn’t think it was indeed about Jefferson’s sexuality. And, as I understand it, his ex-wife’s claims DO all have to do with his sex life. There’s no mention of the state of his finances or his penchant for Maker’s Mark.

3. I agree with the posters who pointed out that Jefferson wrote (and bragged) about his sex life in a public forum and that these are the consequences, but that doesn’t mean that his sex life, or the public’s knowledge of it, means he’s a bad influence on his kids. And that’s what his ex-wife is alleging.

4. And as far as his requests to keep quiet about this, as Jefferson pointed out, everything posters say now will be picked over by his ex wife’s lawyers and used against him. Yes, he dug his own grave there, but he’s doing damage control, and I’d do the same in his situation, even if asking people not to debate seemed unreasonable. He’s got a lot at stake.

5. Jefferson’s requests for money may make you uncomfortabe, but no one is being scammed into donating. Again, I can’t imagine the SFLDEF would have taken the case on if they didn’t think it had merit. Jefferson’s a poor freelancer with three kids in New York City. I have a full time job and no kids but I struggle here, too: it’s an expensive city. He has an expansive lifestyle, one that has provided me (and some of the posters here) with a lot of good times. He’s not feckless and he does work.

If you felt sympathetic to Jefferson when you first saw his post but now don’t, that doesn’t mean his case doesn’t have real legal implications. It means you shouldn’t donate.

4. I have a hard time with the notion of Jefferson manipulating some wide-eyed coterie of sex partners. Probably I have been one of his sex partners.

I donated to the fund because Jefferson’s been, and remains, a friend to me. You may have other reasons for donating (or, in many of the cases here, not donating), but I, and his other sex partners, made choices. I’ve in no way been conned into anything.

5. Anon (comment 70) said “raise your hand if you slept with this man and eventually ended up meeting the kids in one way or another… ” I’ve never met his children, and I think most of the men and women he fucked will say the same thing.

I think that’s all. Sorry it’s so looooooong.

Ah, sorry: In point #4 (um, the second #4, I got a little confused there)I meant to say “Probably because I have been one of his sex partners.” Carry on.

I write a sex blog, but I don’t wish to name myself, and I think ‘yet another request for a donation.’ I know that sounds cold, heartless even, but I am tired of people using the ‘I am a writer therefore I can’t support my kids’ excuse. I am a parent, I write, and I have never, in all my years online requested donations. Fair enough, this doesn’t make me superior or otherwise, there are others like me, who don’t expect visitors to their blogs to donate hard earned money for something we, bloggers, choose to do and that is what it is, a choice.

As far as I am aware, Jefferson is an adult male with children, meaning that his children ought to come first, so to see a person hit the skids, and ask for money via an organization, I see that as superficial. As has been mentioned above: there are many bisexual and gay parents out there, and they have rights, so there must be another issue behind his ex-wife’s reasons. I feel that there are many people that, as a result of their sexuality, are discrim