Last week I was messaging with a guy who is just climbing aboard the social media train, and I asked him if he had other profiles/online presence so I could know a bit more about him. And he didn’t. I know I shouldn’t be shocked and amazed by this - there is, after all, life outside of the Internet. But I’m so damn immersed in it that if people aren’t immediately cross-checkable in a few Internety ways, I think it’s weird.
I could see that he was frustrated that I was being standoffish (he was saying that he thought we had a lot in common) - and he said several times, “I am willing to tell you anything you want to know.” I just don’t know how to respond to this - interacting with someone online who thinks we have things in common but has no discernible digital trail just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I don’t even know where to begin asking questions of that person, even if there’s an open invitation for that, when I’ve got my roots in so many online communities, a presence all over the place, a honed identity, and there’s just nothing for me to go on to learn about that other person.
This is not to say that anytime I get a random email from someone I google them and then won’t speak to them if they don’t have a digital trail. And if I meet someone out in meatspace, I don’t avoid them if I find that they aren’t totally hip to the internet (my charming boyfriend is one such person who is adverse to myspace, etc). It’s just that social networking implies something social going on - someone who signs up for a site where pics are standard but doesn’t post one (even a cute avatar, anything) raises a red flag for me, someone who messages a lot but hasn’t added friends - they just don’t get it.
The thing is, I do want to keep the “social” in social media, and I do enjoy random messaging, especially if it’s somewhat witty and insightful. I’m not opposed to flirting either, but I’m not easy, and my life is pretty full - I’m definitely not jumping to meet new suitors. That said, it’s nice to actually find new people on different social networks instead of re-establishing the same batch of folks on a new site. I do sometimes feel like I’m being bitchy if I shut someone down quickly, but on the other hand - you gotta do as the Romans do. Explaining who you are in messages while leaving your profile blank just isn’t how it works.
11:56 am
Try Googling their email (the first part before the @ sign). E.g. for viviane212@gmail.com, just Google ‘viviane212.’
You might turn up info that way. But, it is kinda stalkerish.
2:58 pm
I have become so accustomed to dating and making friends via the net (for the past 13 years) that when I recently met someone who wanted to date me, I said to a friend, “he has no personal ad profile, he has no blog or other sites….how will I know if we’re gonna get along?!”
It was kind of funny, but it’s true that this is how I’ve learned to “get to know,” people.
4:20 pm
Amen, sister!
I feel exactly the same way… I just told someone the other day that I have an ICQ number listed for this kind of messaging on one of the social networking sites I use & that I always find it weird when “just a number” replies to my profile or writing with no other explanation of who they are and why they want to talk to me.
And, like Kmeelyon, I use other people’s Net presence as a gauge of if I’m going to get along with them in RL…
BTW - Meatspace… nice. So stealing that.
4:50 pm
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6:39 pm
I do understand…because it’s not someone you met in “meatlife,” it’s someone you met online. Most people online have SOME sort of electronic trail…I mean, even some professional sugar daddy I met didn’t have a myspace or facebook or ____, but he linked me to a film festival that showed his work. The fact that he has no other e-trail would astound me as well.
8:35 pm
Hm, I probably wouldn’t pass the test either! I have done quite a bit of e-dating, but only as a way to acutally meet people in my town. I’ve been routinely shut down because I don’t like and won’t “chat” and don’t have the correct plethora of accounts hanging around. I’ve found that people who are constantly accessible through media aren’t as accessible in person. . .and that’s always my stated goal in my online dating life: to meet someone who is willing to go from writing emails to phone to meeting if the vibe is right.
11:16 am
My experience with this is colored by the most “social” online person I know. She keeps very active profiles on MySpace and facebook, is constantly on e-mail, chat, and her cell phone–and has very little of interest to say. By contrast, I’ve known some fascinating, upstanding people who could barely use e-mail. Are you sure you haven’t confused computer skills with something else?
6:31 pm
Yes, yes, and oh, did I mention? YES!
2:08 am
I see what you mean. It’s not like you have to be an e-social butterfly, just take the time to write a profile in whatever area of the internet you most like. It’s like dressing appropriately for where you are going. If you meet a guy hiking in the wood in a suit, or a beater and sweatpants at the club, it is going to be a little creepy. And with the trolls all over trying to pretend to be other people, a little effort proves you have some background and aren’t just pretending to be whoever you say.