One year ago today, I wrote my first blog entry:
Things haven’t always looked like this - divided. But somehow they are now, and I’m starting to learn a thing or two about the closet.
The thing is: three years ago, I turned my academic (and prurient, lets not forget that) interest in sex/identity/gender and most of all FUCKING into a career. And I’ve been plugging away like that ever since - doing formal research on sexuality (in the cultural history sense, not the scientific one), working for a porn company, doing some responsible pervert stuff like teaching HIV/STI prevention workshops, and dabbling a bit in sex work - the kind with nakedness and fucking instead of just thinking.
But now I’m at a kind of crossroads. Because there are many facets of me, I’ve decided to go in a direction that, while it isn’t new to my life, requires me to be more closeted about my perversions (professional and otherwise). While in many ways I’m totally psyched about my choice, in other ways I’m utterly terrified and sad to be moving into a world where people will assume I’m like them or potentially freak out if they know that I’m not.
So that’s - roughly - what this blog is to be about: the process I’m going through as I try to figure out what it looks like to try and create a balance between Straight World and Pervland, in both the professional and filthy senses. You’ll get to read plenty of ruminations on sex, politics, history and get acquainted with the inner workings of my brain as I think these things through - but you’ll also get to hear funny stories from the daily worklife of a half-time professional pervert. And, of course, you’ll also get some dirty stories that aren’t about work at all.
It’s funny that the anniversary of my blog falls on the same day that I’ve reached the end of the Amsterdam summer institute and in general have reached conclusions about what the fuck I’m doing. I started this blog pretty anonymously, though its since grown in interesting dimensions as I’ve shown my face and other parts, lived parts of my life as Dacia and come out to (or been found out by) various real life friends about my “secret life.” As times goes by, I presume that there will be fewer secrets with more people knowing more of the story. It’s not a bad thing; its something to brace myself for.
I think I’ve pretty much solved the initial problem of this blog - how to live the divide between Pervland and StraightWorld. The answer, in short, is: don’t be such a wimp, kill the divide.
When I applied for grad school, I sincerely believed that I was going to live two lives running on parallel tracks, that I was going to work to establish myself as a serious and capable scholar of more pedestrian topics than sex and keep the dirty stuff on the side. I realized early in my second semester that this wasn’t going to work. I don’t want to lose the work I’ve done on non-sex topics, so I need to work on that balance. However, I do have an unwavering passion for the sex stuff, and its stupid to try to squash that. I’ve got a twisted mind through and through, and I’m ready to drop the (albeit shortlived) StraightWorld stuff and plunge into Pervland. No, that’s not it - the two are meeting somewhere where I’m elevating the pervy stuff and dragging the straight stuff down a notch.
What a fucking year. And here’s to the next one!
8:55 pm
Happy Bloggiversary! Congratulations on a year of stimulating writing. Intellectually and otherwise.
10:45 pm
Yeah, if you have a passion for something, no matter what it is, I say, stick with it!
7:14 am
Happy blog anniversary!
9:56 am
Oh, how clearly I remember that post. Happy blogoversary - keep up the great work!
8:57 am
“I think I’ve pretty much solved the initial problem of this blog - how to live the divide between Pervland and StraightWorld. The answer, in short, is: don’t be such a wimp, kill the divide.”
I’ve had this same baffling inner battle myself over the last year, so this rang when I read it. I’ve been trying to decide if I post pictures, how much personal info do I release? It’s hard, because in the extremely intense emotional blogs it becomes hard to relate the story or situation without revealing personal details. There are a few occasions where I’ve held back a post because it would reveal too much about myself. But that’s crap, and I don’t want to do it! I don’t want to feel that I should hide who I am out of fear or shame or anything at all. I want to love me, all of me, and be proud.
Your blog is one of the most inspiring ones around, dear Dacia- I’ve been reading you for a long time and watched you come out more and more. Your bravery inspires me, and I thank you for it.
(grins)
You’re my bloggy hero!