Ladies of Influence

July 29, 2005

Tomorrow I board a train for Paris and James, beginning phase two of my 2005 European adventure. A year ago I�d just returned from a European adventure and had begun to blog. I didn�t yet know that I�d be making contact with a number of incredible personalities through my blog and other people�s blogs. Today I�m thinking about three strong and amazing women who�ve really touched me and challenged me to think about life, relationships, sexuality, choices and the things that happen to us. I want to leave you with three links to the blogs of women who are strong and amazing and have had quite an impact on me over the course of the past year. They write about themselves, their strengths and weaknesses, and their mistakes and triumphs with powerful honesty and hard-won pride and beauty.

Layla: Diary of a Life in Progress: Though she used to write under a different name and keep a different blog, Layla was the very first person to leave a comment on my blog. She writes powerfully and unabashedly about her struggles with her sexuality mixed in with tales of her fucked up and not far-removed times. Layla is all over the charts; her blog is very much about the process of figuring out what the fuck is going on, and she isn�t afraid to write beautifully about ugly things.

HeroineGirl: I first discovered HG through a comment she left on another sex worker�s blog. Her humor and honesty struck me immediately. Early on, the driving force of her blogs was her memoirs of her heroin addiction and her life as a prostitute. She has since expanded to talk about her childhood, her family, her present day realities (often hilarious � believe me, the girl is far from all doom and gloom) and her struggle to overcome Hepatitis C. She is finishing up her Hep C treatment this week, after which she�ll hopefully go on to lead a hepatitis-free life full of blogging, book-writing, and tae kwon do.

Kinky Librarian: I�m pretty sure Nadia found me, but I could be wrong. She�s the only one of these three women I�ve met in person and become friends with in real life, and actually one of the few people I�ve met and befriended because of my blog. Nadia is a really brave woman who isn�t afraid to open up emotionally on her blog in thought-provoking and intense ways.

I know I�m sounding like a broken record by this point, but I am full of awe for these ladies and their awesomeness. I hope to be blogger-compatriots with them for much time to come.

I�ll be checking email and perhaps even blogging periodically over the next few weeks, so keep those emails and comments coming if you�ve got something to say.

Posted by Dacia at 08:21 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Blur and focus

July 28, 2005

One year ago today, I wrote my first blog entry:

Things haven’t always looked like this - divided. But somehow they are now, and I’m starting to learn a thing or two about the closet.

The thing is: three years ago, I turned my academic (and prurient, lets not forget that) interest in sex/identity/gender and most of all FUCKING into a career. And I’ve been plugging away like that ever since - doing formal research on sexuality (in the cultural history sense, not the scientific one), working for a porn company, doing some responsible pervert stuff like teaching HIV/STI prevention workshops, and dabbling a bit in sex work - the kind with nakedness and fucking instead of just thinking.

But now I’m at a kind of crossroads. Because there are many facets of me, I’ve decided to go in a direction that, while it isn’t new to my life, requires me to be more closeted about my perversions (professional and otherwise). While in many ways I’m totally psyched about my choice, in other ways I’m utterly terrified and sad to be moving into a world where people will assume I’m like them or potentially freak out if they know that I’m not.

So that’s - roughly - what this blog is to be about: the process I’m going through as I try to figure out what it looks like to try and create a balance between Straight World and Pervland, in both the professional and filthy senses. You’ll get to read plenty of ruminations on sex, politics, history and get acquainted with the inner workings of my brain as I think these things through - but you’ll also get to hear funny stories from the daily worklife of a half-time professional pervert. And, of course, you’ll also get some dirty stories that aren’t about work at all.

It’s funny that the anniversary of my blog falls on the same day that I’ve reached the end of the Amsterdam summer institute and in general have reached conclusions about what the fuck I’m doing. I started this blog pretty anonymously, though its since grown in interesting dimensions as I’ve shown my face and other parts, lived parts of my life as Dacia and come out to (or been found out by) various real life friends about my “secret life.” As times goes by, I presume that there will be fewer secrets with more people knowing more of the story. It’s not a bad thing; its something to brace myself for.

I think I’ve pretty much solved the initial problem of this blog - how to live the divide between Pervland and StraightWorld. The answer, in short, is: don’t be such a wimp, kill the divide.

When I applied for grad school, I sincerely believed that I was going to live two lives running on parallel tracks, that I was going to work to establish myself as a serious and capable scholar of more pedestrian topics than sex and keep the dirty stuff on the side. I realized early in my second semester that this wasn’t going to work. I don’t want to lose the work I’ve done on non-sex topics, so I need to work on that balance. However, I do have an unwavering passion for the sex stuff, and its stupid to try to squash that. I’ve got a twisted mind through and through, and I’m ready to drop the (albeit shortlived) StraightWorld stuff and plunge into Pervland. No, that’s not it - the two are meeting somewhere where I’m elevating the pervy stuff and dragging the straight stuff down a notch.

What a fucking year. And here’s to the next one!

Posted by Dacia at 06:14 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Generation of possibility

July 26, 2005

When I first moved to New York City six years ago, I got involved with Refuse & Resist�s youth network. I spent a lot of time arguing politics and economics as well as discussing civil disobedience and activist tactics with my peers. My eyes felt opened � not just to the ways of combating and repairing all that is wrong in the world, but also to a community of like-minded young people. As it turns out, this is one of the more comedic aspects of many youth activist networks: young people really don�t know a whole lot, see things in overly ambitious and simplistic ways, and won�t listen to people who�ve been involved in the struggle since aforementioned young people were in diapers.

Timidly at first, I edged my way into the secret worlds of sex and its many overlapping and incumbent issues: advocacy for sexual rights as human rights; reproductive rights, knowledge and research; visibility and respect for alternative sexualities; sex workers rights. These issues have been deeply compelling for me on political, intellectual and personal levels; there�s this fountain of curiosity and intensity in me that I�m only really beginning to tap into. The most eye opening part of the whole thing, just like when I was a wee activist, has been meeting and interacting with the people who devote themselves to work in and around sex.

Funny that I had to get involved with the sex worker�s rights movement to experience (and be open to) age diversity within a movement. There is this cultural idea that sex workers are young women who are essentially used up quickly and discarded. The means of ridding the world of sex workers varies � fallen women in many accounts are victims of murder, insanity, suicide, disease, mysterious disappearance, or religious reformation. And though I know for certain that there are many casualties (interpret that world widely) of the sex industry, it�s really inspiring to talk to survivors and people in it for the long haul. I want to push forward and join their ranks.

I�m making a choice to commit myself to struggling personally (publicly and privately), politically, intellectually, and professionally with sexuality. Partly as a result of this choice and what it means/does/looks like, I�ve lost a lot in the past year � friends, lovers, perspective, sanity. But I�ve also gained and done so much. When I think of the connections I�ve made, the truths I�ve heard, the things that I have yet to do and make, it�s all fucking worth it. In a way, it has to be, because there�s no going back.

When I return to New York in another few weeks, I will have a lot of bullshit to deal with. I will be facing loneliness in a new and scary way, I�ll be trying to get my shit together to get through the second half of my master�s degree (thesis and all), and I�ll be attacking projects new and old. I�m trying to do it all while carrying the notion that I have nothing to lose � not because I�ve hit rock bottom (though sometimes I wonder if I�m close to it), but because I think I�m ready to take on my losses full force, because I want to find out what�s over there, beyond the uncertainty (probably new and different uncertainty, but shush).

Posted by Dacia at 05:56 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

Into/out of

July 24, 2005

Today I did something that I haven’t done in more than a month - I took (some of) my clothes off in front of other people.

I woke up this morning not sure how and if I could survive the day, whether doing a photo shoot would help me to move along, or if it would remind me what a bad spot I’m in. I took a deep breath, remembered that I’d have the support and presence of two women from my cohort here at the summer institute, packed my bags, and boarded a train for Nijmegen.

It was good - really good. As soon as I rolled my knee high fishnets on, stepped into my (gold!) high heels and carefully smeared shiny red lipstick on my lips - I felt at home. I’d been afraid I’d feel put upon, contained by my “sexy” outfit in the way I’ve struggled against myself and my sexuality lately - but I didn’t. I let myself get into it as I rolled on the floor and made jokes that the less comfortable the pose, the better the resulting image. I felt channeled, comfortable - and not just that, but experimental too.

Recently I’ve begun to grow tired of the sexy glamour-style posing that I see on so many model’s portfolios (mine included). Whether the model is mainstream or alternative, it seems that the sexy pose is absolutely necessary for any portfolio. I’ve found this tiring, partly because it doesn’t really represent my sexuality, in fact that posturing misrepresents my sexuality, makes it something else, feeds the “this is what it is to be sexy” demons. It’s good to push my limits, my understand of my body and my sexuality, and I can do that in relative safety and without putting myself in (ahem) compromising positions. Today I did that in photos with splayed limbs, pushing unflattering angles until they became interesting and flattering all over again. I went to a different place with my body, a place I haven’t been in a while - a place of feeling my oats, following my flesh.

So maybe I do believe in the power of sex and my own body as agents of healing, even though recently I’ve felt like I’m a prisoner of my sexuality and the body I inhabit. I guess its only a prison if I believe it is.

Posted by Dacia at 05:34 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Balance

July 21, 2005

In experiencing my sexuality over time, things change, sometimes in cycles and sometimes in a certain move from one thing to the next. Right now, I�m taking steps towards balance and reconsidering my sexual path (or whatever, it�s really not as directed as a path). At the moment, I�ve halted my forays into partnered sex. I�m not sure what�s next sex and/or relationship-wise; I�m trying to figure that out. That pretty much brings us up to date.

Although I don�t think that folks who�ve been commenting on my posts of late have necessarily been suggesting that monogamy is my ultimate destination, I want to tangle with that idea a little bit. It�s important for us (myself included) to remember that it isn�t sex per se that is bad and awful, it�s the varying degrees of secrecy, weirdness and bad communication around sex that fuck things up. Although I do agree that in many ways the sexual lifestyle I have been leading is wearing on me (hence the break), I don�t think this is because its inherently bad or against the way that people are �hard-wired� as one commenter put it. In general there is a lack of understanding and support for the kind of life (sexual and otherwise) I�ve chosen to live. Though I�m not throwing in the towel by any means, I�m trying to figure out how to make things work for me so that I can balance the sex life I want with the relationships I may have and the professional lives I am passionate about. In the last two and a half years, I�ve done some proverbial jumping into the deep end � now I want to figure out how to swim and not drown in the murky waters. But I still like the murky waters.

What I�ve been trying to make clear is that partnered sex in general has become problematic for me � not because the sex I�ve been having is too intimate or not intimate enough or two extreme or not extreme enough � but because it is with another person with their own range and limits of sexual and personal what-have-yous. What I�m trying to sort out is what I�d like my partnered sex life and my relationship life to look like in the future. More than that, I�m aiming not just for the ideal � which I�ve been gunning for in recent years and failing at attaining � but a range of possible realities and compromises that are acceptable to me. This all sounds very dour, and perhaps it is, but I�m really trying to squeeze some sense out of the circumstances of my life.

Posted by Dacia at 07:11 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

July 19, 2005

In response to my post Recalibrating my sexuality a few days ago, I got some interesting responses � interesting because many of you have been echoing questions I have been asking myself. I�ll start with a big one, from sinboy:

I�m interested in finding out (if you want to share) what sex, being sexual, and having a sexuality means to you, where you see yourself now, and where you want to be, in terms of sex life, sexuality, and so on.

The answer to these questions is to be found by reading between the lines in the 360 plus posts on my blog. But I�m sure you don�t want to do that much work, so I�ll try to directly address what these things mean to and for me in my personal, not my professional sex life (that�s a slightly different story in some ways). At the moment I�m struggling with what exactly sex is and why it is compelling for me, and pondering the importance of partnered sex in my life. About a month ago I wrote a post called Sexual autonomy, about my struggles with my need/desire for partnered sex and my conscious work to prioritize my sexual needs by taking care of them myself. I�m not really sure what role I want partnered sex to take in my future � well, actually I do know what I want, but I think I have to start preparing myself for plan B and what happens if I don�t get what I want. This means that at my current impasse, I�m not entirely sure what being sexual means for me � being sexual for the last few years has been part of a quest for no-holds-barred fucking. I�m trying to rethink what that looks like at the moment and for the future. So that�s kind of where I�m seeing myself now: at a kind of crossroads, but not just any crossroads, an Amsterdam one, with six streets intersecting, bikes and cars and buses and trams and pedestrians coming from every angle. I have to look before I cross, pick a path because it looks interesting and has too many consonants and double a�s (oh wait, this isn�t a metaphor anymore). The point is, when I know what the hell I�m doing, I�ll let you know. And then I�ll change my mind again, and I�ll write about that too.

To me, having a sexuality is something that is really core to who I am. It�s not an entirely biologically determined or socially constructed thing. It�s fluid, it has different names, it will ebb and flow and change over my lifetime � it has already morphed many times. My sexuality, unlike the things I have, the people who stimulate me and even the useful body parts I have, is with me for always. It�s more mine than I think anything else can be; it�s a site for the exploration of who I am and what it means for me to be a person and exist in this world.

It sounds like you�re burned out on too much carnality and not enough love in your sex. For me, sex with people I�m not all that close with happens from time to time, but it�s the loving, or even just friendly sex that grounds me, and gives the fun, kinky, wild orgy sex a context. (another piece of sinboy�s comment)

The problem is that I don�t know that I can count on having loving sex any time soon � and I think it�s dangerous (or at least problematic) for me to be on the lookout for that. I�d love to have love in my sex, but I also want to be wary of imaging loving sex when that�s not what�s happening in reality. Also, the sex I was having at Jefferson�s orgies was friendly and grounding in many ways � I had multiple, months-long sexual relationships with people within the framework of the parties; I wasn�t even frequently fucking strangers there (for instance, I�ve been fucking Todd since November, and I would say that we are friends). Jefferson has created a small community of people who generally care for each other � but there are also somewhat harsh limits to the realities of those friendships. For instance, the awful sex accident Todd and I had � Todd is my friend, not my boyfriend, so in the moment and aftermath of the injury, he was free to do whatever, which included going to Jefferson�s orgy the night after I was injured. That didn�t entirely feel like a moment of betrayal � but it did sharply remind me of the limits of casual sex friendships.

This and the other things I mentioned in my post two days ago have led me to feel very conservative about my sexuality at the moment � conservative in that I�m being somewhat reticent with it, conserving my sexual energy, and resisting the pull of passions that may put me in a worse headspace (though I�m not all controlling of my passions, as it seems that my libido has withered to a great extent). I�m also feeling like I only want to share sexual energy with someone who isn�t going to sap it all up like a leech; I want some symbiosis. And furthermore, I�m not feeling like bestowing my awesomeness on most people right now. I don�t want to sound like I think I�m just the bee�s knees, but I do know a thing or two and I don�t want to share the power with just anyone. Have I fucked and smarted myself out of viable partners? Stay tuned for the answer� you might be waiting for a while.

At the risk of becoming a goddamned hippie, I think I need to separate sex and intimacy. I know it sounds like I�ve been doing that all along, and I have in some ways � but I think what I need to explore is the realm of non-genital contact. This means I could be on my way to becoming a bondage enthusiast, an erotic hypnotist or a cuddle party attendee! Well, maybe not, but we�ll see.

I�m stepping away from fucking partly because of the fear that I�ll never really get what I want on any ongoing basis. Perhaps I�m learning to compromise or settle or something � and that doesn�t feel great. When I think about it too hard, I still fiercely crave fucking and the essence of carnality, but I crave it within a larger context of varied sexual experiences and relationship structures. I �just� have to deconstruct that desire a bit (or a lot) and then put it all back together.

Posted by Dacia at 04:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Meanings and doings

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Practice vs theory

July 18, 2005

Ok, a step away from the emotional stuff for a moment, as there is actually a lot of interesting stuff going on for me here in the intellectual world of the Amsterdam summer institute. In the tediously postmodernly named afternoon class (theorizing practice/practicing theory) this week, it seems like we’re going to get up close and personal with some of my favorite things to hash out - the differences between thinking and doing. More than that, we’re examining questions of the ways that thinking and doing inform and enhance each other. Definitely very good stuff to be dealing with.

The instructors are two Indian women who are very up-to-date on the discourses around sexuality in their country, but are also actually involved in work on sexuality on the grassroots level. They’ve both worked for a sexuality information hotline for many years, and their work answering calls has grown into a larger research project about sexuality and the language used to describe and process sexual experiences. For one of the first times during the institute, today I heard instructors stress the importance of people’s stories in the context of not just academic research but also in the context of cultural understanding of what sex means to the people experience the sexualities.

This is a goddamned relief and has gotten me thinking a lot more about my position in this whole mess. Yeah, it’s unique - but what should I do with it? That, my friends, is the question.

Although I understand the concept of expertise and all, I also think that a cacophony of voices speaking their own sexuality, unmediated by academic-ese, is a profoundly valuable thing. Better yet, people should be encouraged to both speak about their experiences and relate them to other experiences and think critically about the meaning of their experiences in the society they live in. I don’t think many academics give “the people” enough credit - as if the ascribing of meaning is entirely the provenance of the academics. I realize I’m getting kind of defensively democratic and rahrahrah “power to the people” or whatever, but I like being difficult at all costs.

The danger of veering away from the academic of course is ending up infinitely reinventig the wheel, and “discovering” concepts about sexuality that Foucault was tinkering with years ago. The best place, as in all things, is a balance. However, I’m beginning to think about this balance in a different way - its not so much a teeter-totter balance act, but more a tug-of-war. The teeter-totter invokes an image of finding a precarious place where either end is held up equally. Well, that just isn’t the reality of the way things are working (either in theory or in practice, haha). It’s a less clean cut thing for me, the struggle for balance is really just for constant becoming, questioning and re-pondering a thousand times.

And the funny thing about that is that it relates really directly to the thoughts I’m having about how to structure my professional/academic/activist hullaballoo, but also connects pretty strongly with how I’m trying to rethink what’s going on with my personal sexuality. I just always have to remember that it’s all a struggle, and without that struggle I wouldn’t really have anything interesting to write about - or do with my life. So bring it on, I say, even when its ugly.

Posted by Dacia at 06:05 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Recalibrating my sexuality

July 17, 2005

As I started to write about a bit in Switched off last week, I’m experiencing a bit of a change in how I wear, present, and make accessible my sexuality. Certainly some of it is very temporary stuff, but I also feel things shifting inside me. It’s been a bit of a relief to desex the sexified, and I’ve sort of curled into a non-sexual shell. Getting spare moments to think about everything that’s happened this spring has really made me feel like withdrawing from the sex I have and make with others.

And here comes the darkness, the stuff I wasn’t sure I’d want to or be able to write about. This started out as a long, depressing list on my desktop, wryly titled “how to become a girl with issues,” but it’s morphed into something a little different, more contextualized.

This spring I have had more bad and disappointing sex than I’ve had in a very long time. I’m not just talking furtive moments with casual partners in which I’ve thought “what was the point of that?” - I’m talking issues around sex that have made me feel awful to the core of my sexual being, things that don’t have answers or simple solutions, and situations that have left me ashamed that I, the supposed bastion of good times sex, am having trouble.

It started to brew in the cold months, when I was having trouble connecting sexually with my two partners at the time. The boy told me I was insatiable and that was a bad thing because it made sex with me kind of pointless; the girl had also been told she was insatiable in a bad way, yet somehow we couldn’t get our sexualities to connect on a carnal level. Long-time readers may recall that the first sex I had this year was on camera, with Benny Profane.

Though I’d been maintaining several casual sex relationships while I was in my two relationships and going to sex parties with and without my partners, the meaning of all that shifted a bit when I no longer had regular sex partners (though they were really only regular in concept, not in practice). Being on the prowl and then having familiar beds to crawl back into and familiar flesh to curl up against was one thing - being a solo seeker was another. For a while Jefferson’s sex parties became my partnered-sex subsistence, with a little dash of sex on the side with Todd.

I also began to spend increasing amounts of time naked for money, both in front of a camera and not. I was essentially sex embodied; but I felt like an imposter most of the time, not able to understand what or how people were seeing sex in me as all I was really doing was carting myself around and taking my clothes off without really even trying to give off an aura of steamy hot sex. In one such moment of seeming-sexiness, I had an icky sex experience with a photographer; it completely caught me off guard and left me feeling strange and detached from myself.

Then, in late June, Todd and I had a great handjob go horribly wrong when his fingernail sliced open my right inner labia, leading to much blood and fear and two weeks of painfully swollen girl parts. I haven’t had partnered sex since then, and have only gingerly attempted masturbation five or so times. Add to that Jeremy’s violation of boundaries in attending Jefferson’s party about two weeks ago, and over the last four months I’ve watched myself become a mistrustful girl with issues and trouble seeing, undertanding and living in my sexuality and my body.

Along the way I’ve tried my best to combat the forces of evil that ooze from within and without, but new bad-sex inventions keep popping up, to the point where I just feel like I need to withdraw. I don’t have a place with other people where I feel physically and emotionally safe - even before the incident with Todd I was starting to feel dissatisfied with Jefferson’s parties, as they are often populated with people I do not want to fuck. In general, the parties started to wear on me as I felt increasingly like I want to have more connected sex, but that sex keeps elluding me.

I’m always on the prowl - have been for two and a half years. It’s not usually in destructive ways, but it is tiring. Throughout the relationships I’ve had in that time, I haven’t been willing to put my exploration on hold, not for a moment. I guess I’ve been looking for more, better, more intense and more interesting sex the whole time, with the occassional connection thrown in. Variation and exploration have been the name of the game, and I’ve acquired a wide range of experiences, mostly good, but suddenly outweighed by the bad.

At the moment, I have no coping mechanism for this, except to pull back and try to take care of myself. I’m thinking hard about the ways I’ve constructed my sexuality in the last few years and the ways I can shape it in the future so that it will make me feel happy, sated and safe to the extent that that is ever possible. Right now I don’t know the answer to that at all, and though my knee jerk reaction is to fill that big silent questioning space with more fucking and more coming, I don’t think that’s the right direction to step in. So I sit here, pants on, trying to mend and trying to muster the courage and desire to figure out what’s next.

Posted by Dacia at 07:58 PM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

Writing and rawness

July 13, 2005

I’m sure you’ve all noticed that over the last few months, there’s been a decline in Waking Vixen posts about fucking and also a decline in the emotional intensity of the blog. Maybe I shouldn’t necessarily use the word “decline;” I’m not saying that I think I’ve failed my readers, just that the content of the blog has changed since I began it almost a year ago. I live this kind of peculiar life, and I’m trying to figure out how to make it work long term on many different levels, one of which is blogging. Part of this figuring out is tempering what and who I write about or deal with in a public forum and part of it is also being selective about what and who I do.

I think that one of the things that has made my blog interesting (correct me if I’m wrong) is that I have a knack for writing with a certain degree of emotional rawness and honesty that just makes for good and interesting reading. It is, however, tough to keep that up, especially as more of my real life friends read along and as I try to push my writing, workshops, modeling and persona forward in the world a bit. I hesitate to come off as a basket case, even if sometimes I am.

It’s become apparent to me that I’m going through a process of reevaluation (it’s the word of the month!): not just of what I’m writing here, but of my sexual practices, my work lives… essentially everything. This is good for me; this is what stepping out of my life in New York for seven weeks is about.

I have on my desktop a piece I wrote late last night, saved as “will I really post this.” It’s something that’s escaped the clutches of my handwritten journal, so its closer to blog than not, and its full of stuff that I’ve processed mentally over the past four months but haven’t solved emotionally. I know this is a total cock-tease for readers, but I just haven’t figured out whether or not I want to post it. I know it will make for interesting reading and interesting discussion. I know it will reveal some things I haven’t blogged about and some depth that I haven’t edged towards, and I’m having a complicated relationship with that idea. Though I don’t think I’ve been pretending total emotional health over the past few months, there was definitely a point in March after my breakups (one blogged about, another not) when I decided to stop writing about my emotional distress, because I didn’t think it was appropriate on an ongoing basis, I wanted to write (and remind myself) about more positive things, and I didn’t want to lose my readership.

But also, I wonder if blogging my shit will kick the coping process further along, as it has in the past. Additionally, I think that its important for me to show weakness (I’ve got it in spades), because I don’t mean to give the impression that everything is 100% awesome, and my post about stealth mode got me some comments and emails of the “nice to know you’re not ‘on’ all the time” and “wow, you’ve taken a sudden turn” variety. But I also fear showing the darkness, which may encourage responses of the “of course sex ruins lives” variety, which my post about the Jeremy situation created. I either have to be ready to combat/explain that, or I have to face it full on as a possible reality, or some combination of both.

Posted by Dacia at 09:15 AM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

Research, sharing and secrets

July 12, 2005

Here in week two at ye olde Amsterdam summer institute, things are staying interesting. I’ve been basking in the light of nerd-o-rama, which has been more than awesome (games about punctuation are hot). It’s pretty great to be around folks who are extremely smart in general and also smart about and interested in sexuality in particular. The days are long and the reading is ample, but the discussions have been interesting and heartfelt.

As I get to know the other participants in the institute, it’s interesting to see layers in people - professional, personal, research interests, personal interests. In sexuality research it’s in some ways difficult to not wrap these all up together; not just because sex itself can be such a personal thing, but because many people who make sex part of their careers in some way are intensely passionate believers in the value of what they do. In many ways, I intentionally make a mess of that whole thing. I like the mess, I think it makes me an interesting person for sure. However, that mess also puts me on two different sides of a line - I am researcher and researched, something I’m very much aware of in the context of this institute. It’s interesting to see other people struggle with that a bit.

I struggle with it myself. I’ve read so many studies and ethnographies and seen so many documentaries in which the researcher just doesn’t get the people he or she is studying. There’s always a slightly stressful relationship between the researcher and the researched. Even if there is a good degree of understanding, there is always a point of tension around ownership of the story.

I have a unique position in that I can speak in regards to the communities I’m involved in as a participant, not a participant-observer. Though I do think critically about the communities I’m a part of, I’m not participating in them as research (yes, I’ve been asked about that). I don’t think I have to convince any of you of the sincerity of my obsession with and participation in various sexual subcultures. Getting re-acquainted with my academic life has made me realize that although I have a relationship with the academic world and will continue to participate in it in some way at least until I’m done with my master’s, my primary allegiance is not to academia, it is to myself as a part of the communities I’m involved with. “Academic” is not a primary identity to me, though at one point not so many years ago, it was wholeheartedly.

I feel protective of the hard-won knowledge I have - and it doesn’t feel like the kind of protective I used to feel about my various obscure research topics. It’s a kind of protective in which I realize that much of the knowledge base I operate from these days comes from lived experiences that are close to my heart. Furthermore, I’ve gained a lot of my knowledge from knowing other people, whose stories and secrets I don’t want to trade away to other academics as examples of XYZ phenomenon. I feel that I should safeguard the confidential nature of things I know and that I shouldn’t necessarily offer that up to be analyzed in a classroom.

Although I’m not knocking the value of academic discourse (much), something that I didn’t quite realize when I was immersed in academia (and not much else) is that there is a powerful discourse and analysis that happens inside of communities. On a daily basis, people in all kinds of communities ponder meaning, power, and all sorts of other things that academics think about. I’m not saying that academics shouldn’t do what they do, but I am saying that sometimes academics should defer to the voices of the communities they study - and not just by putting quotes into context of a paper for some journal, but by actually listening.

Posted by Dacia at 06:15 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Switched off

July 11, 2005

Lordy, you folks love the personal drama! Thanks for all your comments - I’ll update you on teh situation when there’s additional news. I�ll likely be writing a lot of self reflective stuff this month, as time away from New York is making me reevaluate my life � in mostly good, maintenance and head-clearing ways. Hopefully there won�t be more dollops of drama created by other people sucking, but if there is, I�ll be sure to write about that too.

Before leaving New York, I started to feel a bit funny about my sexuality � about it being out there for other people to consume, imagine their own fantasies onto and soak up/drain the energy and comfort I have in myself. I know that comes with the territory of the choices I�ve made to be a sex worker, model, blogger, slut and generally open person whose existence makes people want summa that � and by �that� I really mean energy more than pussy (but that�s mixed up in it too). I know I�ve made this choice to turn this energy on, make it available, and put it on the market in various ways. It�s been a good thing for the most part, and I�m doing a lot of interesting things that I�m learning from, but I also know that it�s a fast paced, difficult life I lead because I live in a head and lifespace that other people only visit from time to time.

I�ve been in a place of constant sex-ness for many many months, and I always have a heightened awareness of my body and the power of my sexuality. I wondered if I could turn that faucet off and just not share it, not even hint that it�s there. And the answer is, yes, it�s possible. I�ve gone into stealth mode, and it�s glorious.

Let me give you an idea of what this stealth mode looks like: hoodie, hat, sunglasses.

This past week I�ve been trying the stealth mode on for size, but the true test was the weekend: could I go out into the world of Amsterdam nightlife and get ignored and not at all hit on? On Friday night, I got the opportunity to go to a big dance club and see Stereo Total, a seriously silly band that is basically French lady + German man + silly robot noises = a bedazzler for your ears. Of course I went in stealth mode, and by golly it worked! I got left alone to bop to the music and get lost in my own world. Sweet bejesus, we�re onto something!

It�s so awesome to go undercover, to lurk in the background, to go unnoticed. I love it; I love that I have the capacity and control to switch off the sex. It confirms my hope that I haven�t created a life in which I need other people to look at and to want me to feel good about myself. I feel really good, in my skin that no one else is seeing right now, in my jeans and hoodie and boots. I feel relaxed inside my head and my body � I know that any mode of dress and self-carriage is performing something, but I distinctly am not performing my sexuality in the ways I normally do.

Posted by Dacia at 12:44 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

$pread Magazine Issue #2 Party at the Slipper Room in NYC

7.13.05
$pread Magazine Issue #2 Party in NYC Wednesday

At the Slipper Room, 167 Orchard

Featuring music from tri-sexual pop gender-genders DALIPSTYXX and disco diva MAX STEELE AND THE PARTY ICE and Burlesque queens JO BOOBS and SELINA VIXEN

Doors open at 7, djs and dancing til 2 am
$10 with magazine/$7 without
Sex worker discount $7 with magazine/$5 without

Posted by Dacia at 11:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Mangled boundaries and transatlantic bullshit

July 09, 2005

Although I�ve been veering away from blogging about personal shit (especially relationship shit) these days, sometimes I think it�s appropriate and necessary, and furthermore, worth writing about. So�

Yesterday I got an email from Jefferson, some good catch up stuff and a few tips for Amsterdam, but also this:

In other news, your man Jeremy showed up at the gathering this week. I wasn’t expecting him, but of course I let him stay. Is his continued participation in your absence hunky dorey with you?

My fist pounding down on the desktop and my involuntary �what the fuck?� broke the silence of the computer lab.

You see, before I left New York, Jeremy and I had a conversation about this (initiated by him) in which I very explicitly said that I was not comfortable with him going to the parties in my absence. Although it�s true that I�m a very open person and whatnot, I do have my boundaries and I am very capable of communicating them clearly. Before he brought it up, it was something I�d been considering as a kind of parting gift to him. I felt like I �should� be cool and give him permission to go to the parties, but as much as I tried to convince myself of coolness � I just wasn�t there, and I needed to honor those feelings. I hashed the dilemma over with Jane and my upstairs neighbors � one of my neighbors joked that in a quote-unquote normal relationship, the request �Please don�t fuck my friends while I�m out of town� would be reasonable, so why is it an issue that needs to be dealt with differently in an open relationship?

It�s an issue of boundaries, which are really key to unconventional relationships � actually scratch that, communication of boundaries is key to all relationships. Perhaps having never dated someone like me, Jeremy doesn�t understand that � but I really can�t get into his head and figure out what the fuck he was thinking, and I�m just torturing myself if I try.

My reasoning for saying no was that since we�ve only been dating two months, and I�ll be gone seven weeks, I just didn�t feel comfortable with him hanging out and having sex with my friends and being in my social circle without me around. Even without the whole sex thing, I think this is a pretty reasonable request, especially seeing as I haven�t even met any of Jeremy�s friends, much less had sex with them. Furthermore, after my cunt injury and whatnot, I�ve become uncertain about whether or not I�ll return to the parties once I�m back in New York. I certainly don�t have any problem with Jeremy fucking other people in my absence or attending other sex parties, I just specifically didn�t want him to go to Jefferson�s party.

Yesterday in my panic and anger about the whole thing, I laid out the story for three of my new friends here in Amsterdam, and they all had lovely, supportive reactions to it � none of that �That�s what you get for trying to color outside the lines,� which is a response I sometimes hear clawing at me from deep within myself. It was nice to have some folks to talk about the situation with, and I fucking relish that I�ve set the precedent of being so open about myself instead of being cagey or trying to conceal certain life-truths so as not to be harshly judged. I can�t help but try to work out exactly what Jeremy was thinking when he when to Jefferson�s party this week, but what scenarios I work out in my head are basically useless; he has to tell me himself. This is made more complicated by the fact that his email address has changed and isn�t being forwarded, so I have no way to get in touch short of an international phone call, which at the moment I don�t feel like doing. So I wait for him to get in touch with me, and I can�t help but feel like a jackass. Jeremy, if you�re reading this, please email me � an explanation would be appreciated.

Posted by Dacia at 06:21 AM | Comments (31) | TrackBack

On science and suspicion

July 08, 2005

I think I’m going to dicontinue the Ask Audacia Fridays, at least in a formal way, because I’m not sure I can promise a post every Friday while I’m in the Europes, and because I’m not sure if I liked the format anyway. I do like that I’ve been getting more and varied questions, commentary and inquiries from my readers, so keep the questions coming if you have them. I’ll still use your questions as blog fodder, but probably not in the standard Q&A format, it’ll be more of an integrated kind of approach.

That said - this week two peculiar studies were released - actually, hold on a sec. The studies weren’t released; brief articles about the studies were released. This is pretty damn unethical; a health study and its correspnding mainstream news article is usually published on the same day. But not this week, for whatever dubious reasons.

The first one to come across my desktop was an article in the New York Times, entitled: Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited, about bisexuality in men. The article basically says that there is a new study pending completion that shows that bisexuality in men may not exist.

There are a few very problemmatic bits of the study, of course (other than the fact that it isn’t fully published yet); the findings are based on evaluations of dubious scientific validity. Self identified bisexual men were shown erotic images of men and erotic images of women and their dick response was measured with a penile plethysmograph, basically a rubber band connected to a machine that measures penis engorgement.

The study assumes that the way to a man’s dick is through his eyes - erotic images are being used as the stimulus in this study. But what kind of images are they? What kind of bodies are they showing? What kind of sex acts? Are fetishes included? To say that they are “erotic” says basically nothing about the images, except that there are probably naked people in them. Other than the fact that some images show men and some show women, I’d bet that a lot of them are totally irrelevant to the sexualities of the people in the study, who by the way are being evaluated alone in a room in a medical facility.

There is a larger thing that needs to be addressed, though, something the article touches on in a brief turn of phrase as “[t]he discrepancy between what is happening in people’s minds and what is going on in their bodies.” This is no small part of the picture; to my humanitiesmind, it is the picture. Desire, identity and physical manifestations of arousal and sex are all very complex things, things that probably can’t be studied by a machine hooked up to the cock of a man watching porn. The reality is that the whole sex thing will probably never be understood, by science or otherwise - that’s what makes it so damn awesome.

The second study that my attention was directed to this week is a study on HIV and male circumcision that’s happening in South Africa - actually, the study isn’t happening, because it was stopped early due to the fact that researchers believe that enough data has been collected to make conclusions. The conclusion is basically that uncircumcised men have a higher rate of infection with HIV; risk can be lowered by adult circumcision. An important thing to note here is that these rates of infection are for unprotected sex - condoms offer the same amount of protection to both circumcised and uncircumcised men.

So - is there any validity in this claim? There might be. Let’s talk HIV transmission for a minute here. HIV needs three things to be transmitted - the presence of the virus in a person’s body, a fluid of transmission and a site of transmission. The fluids are blood, semen, pre-cum, and vaginal secretions including menstrual blood (and to be technically accurate, I have to add mother’s milk, but only mom to baby, an adult can’t get HIV by drinking breast milk, unless its a whole whole lot). Sites of transmission are open wounds anywhere on the body and any place with mucuous membranes - urethra in men or women, vagina, mouth, eyes, inside of the nose. The foreskin is a double-layered fold of skin and mucous membrane - so I guess technically since there is an increase surface area of mucous membrane, there is a higher possibility of infection. The other possibility is that during intense sessions that aren’t lubricated enough, there can be microtears in the foreskin that are inperceptible to the cock-bearer but penetrable by the virus. The likelihood of microtears are the explanation for transmission during anal sex, also.

In the context of the South African study, the idea is that adult circumsion may become more widespread as a method of reducing the spread of HIV, because “circumcision reduced the risk of contracting HIV by 70 percent — a level of protection far better than the 30 percent risk reduction set as a target for an AIDS vaccine.” It will be interesting to see how this develops.

Posted by Dacia at 06:24 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Sex ed for boys

July 07, 2005

Today in our afternoon session we had a visit from a woman representing Youth Incentives, an international program on sexuality whose mission is to encourage “confidence and pleasure in relationships and all aspects of sexuality.” Yes, as the good ole US of A is busy pushing abstinence only education both at home and abroad, this organization in the Netherlands is talking explicitly about sexuality with youth both here and in other countries.

We got a full outline of the programming they offer for youth, which includes contraceptive information, workshops and support groups for GLBTQ youth, rehabilitation workshops for young sex offenders, and a number of workshops that are organized for specific ethnic populations. In Amsterdam, the YI does a series of workshops specifically designed for Moroccan and Turkish teenage boys, because the organization realized that it was doing a lot of workshops targeted towrds young women and young queers, but has been leaving young straight boys out in the cold, and especially young immigrants.

This is something that really frustrates me about sex education, and I’m glad to see that there’s some discussion and action taking place to remedy it: much of sex positive sex education is aimed at women and built on the necessity of battling sexist ideas and cultural practices/norms through personal and sexual empowerment. This is great marvelous and fantastic, and continues to be needed something fierce all over the world.

However, the other side to all that is that men also need education and support in discovering their sexualities and finding healthy, respectful practices that they enjoy. Programs specifically for men have been woefully absent in lots of sex education - programs that are specifically for men usually end up being sex offender rehabilitation programs. Although programs like that are necessary, it would be nice to see more programs for earlier stages of sexual development.

Although it can be well-argued that the majority of societies across the globe are male-dominated and built around the needs and desires of men, positive representations of male sexuality are sorely lacking. Though men are everywhere, there aren’t really spaces for men to talk and think about sexuality - yes, I know that the porn and sex industries are almost entirely built around the needs and desires of straight men, but these industries often replicate power structures and don’t foster different readings and beings of male sexuality. (I know that is a huge generalization about the sex industry, and one that I don’t entirely buy myself, but in this context, I think its well worth thinking about.)

I do believe that small subversions can become bigger ones, though, and I hope to nudge some things around in my lifetime, get people to think about sexuality in a different way, and accept themselves and others while questioning what our cultures hand over to us. And that’s my soapbox moment for today. I’m about ready to go out drinking and mischief-making in this fine city, as my first week of classes has come to an end.

Posted by Dacia at 02:06 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

New Erotix at Art @ Large

Amsterdam is great and all, but I wish I had a teleportation device so that I could make an appearance at tonight’s New Erotix opening at Art @ Large, an erotic art gallery operated by some friends of mine.

This is the third year the gallery has hosted a juried group show, and sadly the first year that I’m unable to see it. It’s also the first year that there are no naked pictures of me in the show - but regardless, it’s more than worth going if you’re in New York. The exhibit runs through July 23.

Posted by Dacia at 01:36 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

An afternoon at the Vrije Universiteit Gender Clinic

July 06, 2005

So far my favorite things at the summer institute have been field trips. I love me some field trips. Yesterday we ventured to the Prostitution Information Center and I made a good contact with the founder, and this afternoon we took a tram to the Vrije Universiteit (aka “Free University,” which is not actually “free” in the financial sense). We heard a lecture by one of the world’s leading specialists on transsexualism, and a happy and succesful FTM (female-to-male) and a MTF (male-to-female) were on hand to answer questions.

In Holland, sex reassignment treatment (SRT) is covered by medical insurance - everything from psychotherapy to hormones to surgery is covered. It’s pretty incredible, and obviously this alleviates a lot of the financial burden that many transsexuls in other parts of the world must shoulder in order to make their bodies look the way they think of themselves.

The way that the docs and clients presented transsexualism, gender and the process of trasitioning was very cut and dry - almost too black and white, too dichotomous. I definitely commend some of the spin that they put on transsexualism - the Gender Clinic deals with gender dysphorhia, which it does not link to transvestitism or homosexuality as is so often done in the land of the misunderstood. Though I also appreciate that they dealt with transsexualism in a positive way - first of all by not pathologizing it as a horrible mental illness, but rather as a crossing of lines in the brain - everything was a bit too neat and tidy. The docs and the post-op folks in attendance described the steps - person realizes (usually at a young age) that their feelings about their gender do not match the body they were born with, person seeks out the Gender Team, person gets hormones, lives in new gender, gets surgery and lives happily ever after in a passable body. Easy right?

Perhaps it is easier to make this all happen in the Netherlands, where insurance covers everything and folks are more liberal about these things, but I’m still skeptical that it could be that easy. By “easy” I don’t mean that people are waking up and deciding to have sex reassignment treatment and being shooed through the system - that’s not it at all - by “easy” I mean that there wasn’t much talk about struggle with gender identity and one’s body.

Transitioning - even when funded by your insurance company - still takes a goddamn long time and has lots of challenging steps built into it, not the least of which is walking around in the world in a different body, undergoing a new process of socialization, and trying to pass. In some ways I understand the value of showing successful results of SRT, but I also think it would be useful for the Gender Team to present some of the intermediate steps, which could present a more complex, less sanitized view.

Posted by Dacia at 12:46 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

The professional is personal

July 05, 2005

When I first started working on sexuality as an undergrad and then professionally at the Museum of Sex, I resisted the implication that an academic interest in sex was anything other than that. I maintained that just because I’m interested in the history of sexuality doesn’t mean that I’m a big perv and that I want to talk about my own personal sexuality all the time.

But then I went the way of perviness (and how!).

I was guarding myself against two sets of kind of gross assumptions - studying sex says dirty things about the researcher and/because sexuality is not a legit thing to study and write about in the academic context. I maintain that both of these are bullshit assumptions, but at the same time I think it’s kind of crazy for someone to float through academic studies of sexuality without seriously pondering the being and meanings of their own sexuality(ies). I think that a person doing work on sexuality who has not interrogated their own feelings and morals about their own and other people’s sexualities is like a ticking time bomb of unprofessional remarks. Sexuality is a thing that illicits deep responses in people and its difficult to remain academically stoic, removed and aloof.

But that’s not something that can or really should be enforced - people certainly shouldn’t be forced to talk about and confront their sexuality, especially in a professional, academic context. A situation like that could very well spell out sexual harrassment. However, I do think that places for such discussions should be made available - for instance the sexual attitude readjustment (SAR) sessions offered at Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality conferences. In SARs, viewers are presented with a variety of images - usually porn - that are most likely outside of their sexual purview. Basically, SARs are meant to rattle cages a little and encourage the viewers to consider their reactions to such images and to people who find the depicted acts pleasurable.

This all leaves me thinking about how my personal experiences relate to my approach to my academic work - the last few days of being and thinking in Amsterdam have made me realize what a profound effect the last 2-plus years of wild-n-pervy experiences have had on my worldview, which of course extends into my percetions of academia and my work within that beast. My personal experience is valuable, and in some ways its useful to extend the knowledge I’ve gained from my personal experiences of sex work and “alternative lifestyles” (quotes because I don’t really like that phrase but its useful anyway) into my pants-on work. More than it being useful - its inevitable, because as a livingbreathingfeeling person I bring those things to the table, wherever I’m sitting. I do know that I have to be careful however, careful to not relate everything to my microview of the world.

Really - the point is, I’m still trying to flush out the perverts in my little group here in Amsterdam. I can’t be the only one - surely someone else is interested in exploring the seamy side of the city from a naked perspective. I’ve begun to make the leap and plant the seeds of my perversion in other people’s minds (scandalous and daring!), because I don’t mind being the first to admit who and what I am, especially if it will draw people out of their shells and get them to go to clubs and shows with me.

Posted by Dacia at 04:12 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Wherein I stand up and say...

July 04, 2005

“I’m from New York, where I’m pursuing a master’s degree in American Studies. I’m a community educator at the Gay Men’s Health Crisis, and the news and shorts editor of $pread Magazine, a new sex worker rights magazine. I support myself by doing sex work.”

And after I announce myself, I begin to find out that I’m the only out sex worker in the summer institute. It seems that many of the other participants haven’t had much experience in dealing directly with sex workers, so they don’t seem like they know quite how to deal with me and my many hats. I feel a wee bit like I’m being treated like a special item, but maybe I’m being overly sensitive. Although I do think its possible that this special treatment is imagined, I also came into the institute assuming that my profession would be taken in stride and I wouldn’t be the only one, but perhaps I was giving this academic crowd too much credit.

When I first introduced myself in a small group and said that I support myself by doing sex work, the group leader asked if everyone had heard what I do for a living. Gotta drive the point home I guess. The next time I gave my introductory spiel was in front of all 34 participants and the professors, and someone pumped his fist in the air when I said I’m a sex worker - in enthusiastic support I suppose.

Assumptions are interesting things.

First of all, its very apparent to me that the phrase “sex worker” reads as an euphemism for “prostitute,” and no matter how many times I talk about the spectrum of employment for sex workers, prostitution is the assumed job function. For the record, I define sex work as “a predetermined exchange of money or goods for erotic energy,” and although I do think that in some ways the phrase “sex work” sugar-coats things, I believe that the emphasis on work and labor is much needed. I’m not a prostitute, but I do see the political power in people in the sex industry claiming “sex worker” and then explaining their own position within the industry.

Secondly, the special treatment. I feel like there’s this tone of “it’s really great that you’re here with everyone else,” like I climbed big scary oppressive mountains to get here. It’s no great triumph against the odds for me to be here - sex work is a means of supporting myself while I’m in school and while I’m doing myriad other projects that I love and believe in. I don’t feel like I can claim membership in an oppressed sisterhood of sex workers because I myself am really not that oppressed by my work choices. If I was interested in putting a different kind of spin on my life, I could easily trumpet my academic credentials (barf) and not even mention sex work and no one would know the difference - because I am not that different from them. I keep waiting for others at the institute to confide in me that they too, are sex workers, but don’t tell anyone.

It’s interesting to watch people in the program make their approach to ask me questions about my work life. There’s a little bit of timidity, and a lot of apologizing - “I’m sorry if this is a personal question but…” and “I’m not sure if you feel comfortable talking about this but…” I’m comfortable, it’s cool, I get naked to make my living. I really want to just say, “Dude, seriously, I outed myself as a sex worker on day one. I don’t mind talking about it. Don’t treat me like a leper or a fragile soul. I’m tougher than you - don’t apologize.”

Actually, maybe instead of doing that in my head, its best to -tactfully- do that out loud, call folks on their peculiar treatment of me that they probably believe is sensitivity to my issues.

I realize this sounds kind of ranty mcrantypants - it is a little - but I am having a fantastic (though exhausting) time so far. Everyone is really brilliant, and from many different corners of the world and different approaches to sexuality. There are straight up academics, sexologists, a bunch of medical doctors, some counselors who work with sex offenders, and folks who do research for a variety of non-governmental organizations. It’s a pretty awesome opportunity to get to sit in a classroom with such awesome folks and talk about sexuality all day. There is so much work that I haven’t had much of a chance to explore the city yet, but I’ll get cracking on that over the weekend.

Posted by Dacia at 11:11 AM | Comments (27) | TrackBack

And I'm off!

July 01, 2005

Well, there won’t be an Ask Audacia today because I just don’t have my shit together, but I figured I’d put up a quick post. The next time you hear from me, I’ll be writing from my room in Amsterdam. Pretty sweet.

Also, I thought I’d amuse you with my passport photo, which is actually a reasonably good picture of me. It was taken when I was 19, about to go to Europe (Greece, London, Amsterdam) for the first time. Yes, my hair is buzzed except for a curly puff in front.

I think I’ve got pretty much everything in order, though order is a relative term. Last year when I did my first solo trip to Europe, I researched and planned to a ridiculous extent. This time around, I’m much more laid back about everything. I’m sure everything will work out and be awesome - if not, I’ll have a hearty laugh about it.

See you on the flip side!

Posted by Dacia at 08:51 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack