De-academizing sex

August 31, 2004

Recently, my interest in sex has turned largely, overwhelmingly prurient and my pursuit of knowledge about sex has become mostly carnal in nature. This is pretty awesome, since typically I am overly analytical and more about the thinking than the doing (in sex and other things). I’ve been feeling like - fuck, I’ve done my homework (too much of it, little overachiever that I am), its time I put those theories into practice. So, recently, my life has been chock full of humping and reflection about that humping, but without an intellectual discourse and framework to contend with. Okay, okay - those discourses are inside me, no way I can purge them. So let’s say that I’ve gained some distance from the formal expression of deconstructive discourse.

BUT.

Enter graduate school. As I stepped onto campus today, I realized - shit, this is happening. Grad school has to be a major priority.

And as I poured over the courses this evening, classes with “sexuality” or “gender” or “sexual health” kept grabbing my attention. But that’s not what I’m going to school for, so I have to restrain myself and stay the hell away from gender and sexuality. There are some marvelous queer organizations and sexual health advocacy groups on my campus, but their presence stirs a bit of panic in me.

When I was in college studying gender and sexuality and afterwards working professionally on history of sexuality projects, I was very vehement about the academicization of sex, the legitimization of sexuality studies in all forms (history, art, public health, sexology, etc). I believed - and still do - that sex is a legitimate field of study. When I first started on this path, I was adamant that the fact that I was academically interested in sex did not mean that I was a full-blown pervert, though sex was starting to revolutionize my private life as well. But, I held, one does not beget the other.

Now I’m terrified (though that seems like a pretty harsh word) that if I show even a glimmer of academic interest in sex or if hints of my extensive knowledge peek through, my cover will be blown. Intellectually I know that this is a paranoid vision of the possibilities. But yet… Is this what being in the closet is like?

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Job perks

August 25, 2004

For the last three years, I have not had to pay for some very crucial things: porn and safer sex materials. I usually buy my own lube and sex toys (because I’m picky), but otherwise - bring on the free stuff! This has gone on so long that I don’t even really know what the going rate is for a three pack of condoms, a female condom, dental dams, or a new DVD. The cost of safer sex materials is definitely something I should stay informed about, because questions about price and availability come up frequently when I teach safer sex workshops. It definitely makes me look like a fool or someone who doesn’t practice what I preach when I cannot answer these simple questions. On the free porn front - this is awesome because I end up seeing a huge quantity of stuff that I probably wouldn’t give a second look on my own. Sometimes the results of this are surprising, and I make wonderful discoveries: my favorite being the discovery of Big Omar’s British Adventures, which are distributed through VCA. I’m feeling it, my next porn obsession is just around the corner…

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Shoelust

August 24, 2004

There have been a plethora of articles in the New York Times of late that are all about sex and porn - articles I’ve been reading voraciously. But, though I’ve been thinking about them all, none of them have inspired me to blog like this article in today’s business section - about shoes.

I have the common female version of a shoe fetish, which is that I like to buy shoes and have a closet full of more pairs of shoes than I should reasonably own.

But I also have a less common shoe fetish for a woman - which is that I fucking love shoes, and I love fucking shoes with a pretty lady attached to them.

This came more fully to light last fall, when my friend Jane appeared at a party sporting a pair of strappy, fuzzy five-inch leopard prints heels, with her pretty toes showing. After a few glasses of bourbon, I was down on the floor, licking her toes, deep-throating her heels.* This incident hatched two things - my own personal high heel fetish and Jane’s sex work with foot fetishists.

It also set in motion a fantasy that was finally granted (by Jane, nonetheless) last spring: to be fucked by a shoe worn by a sexy lady. She let me pick out a pair of shoes for her to wear during this event - I chose a lovely pair of slightly glossy black leatherlook pumps with a 5 inch spike heel. They had a slightly pointy but rounded toe and showed some nice toe cleavage. Now, Jane has fisted me before, so we knew I was capable of taking some foot, but wow! All the anticipation and excitement really opened me up and I was able to take on her toes and start inching up her foot. Whew. It was some pretty intense stuff; gets my knickers twisted just thinking about it…

Now, like any self-respecting fetishist, I’m a little particular about the objects of my affection. I severely dislike the current glut of pointy shoes in high fashion - I call them elf shoes, and I think they are ridiculous and unsexy. But this rounded toe business? I started drooling when I saw the NY Times picture. Makes me think of pin up girls and librarians.

Maybe Jane will be up for round two of shoe fucking, this time with a little librarian/loud patron role play…

——footnote—— *My deep-throating skills are meager at best. But, when it comes to high heeled shoes, I’m magically able to inhale the whole goddamn thing with nary a watery-eyed gag.

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Reading between the lines of sexual health studies

August 23, 2004

Here is an article in USA Today about a new study that declares that use of Depo Provera triples the risk of a woman’s infection with chlamydia and gonorrhea.

It also says that Depo Provera is most popular with younger women - ostensibly because there is no pill for mom to find, and because its hard to remember to take a pill everyday. The benefit from the health care provider’s side is that this creates a contact with the woman every three months when she gets her shot.

The problem is that its very likely for a woman (especially a young woman) on a hormonal birth control to use only the hormonal birth control and not use a barrier method like a male or female condom, because the birth control part is covered. Of course, this leads to infection with various sexually transmitted infections.

So the question is: is it directly depo’s fault that its users are three times more likely to get a STI? Is there a link with the drug or is the link with the type of user - young women who are less likely to request use of a condom in addition to hormonal birth control, especially with a presumably monogamous partner. Its a dilemma. I’d like to see more studies. I guess the core problem is that its difficult to do a good sexual health study, what with the notorious flaws of sexual self-reporting.

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Monday morning cock n' nuts

There’s nothing like coming into work on a Monday morning and opening Outlook to find pictures of erect penises. Solicited, at that.

Apparently, I missed the really ridiculous post-shoot antics on Friday, in which our male talent repeatedly whipped his dick out and gave everyone his come-hither look. Our producer/editor, who is a take-no-shit kinda lady, apparently got really pissed at him for being a cocky bastard and laid into him, telling him that he’s not that hot and that she’s seen bigger dicks so he should just get over it.

Its funny, because this guy was certainly the CA standard for tanned, muscular porno dudes. Of course that carries a lot of weight on the West Coast, but in our NYC world, no dice. I think the real kicker, the thing that united some of the staff against this guy in the final stages of the day and stretching into the evening were… his smarminess combined with his politics. He was definitely pretty far right of center, is probably what put our editor over the top. Funny stuff.

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Compersion - polyspeak for the opposite of jealousy

August 22, 2004

I’ve been dating Dirck for a year and a half, and the last month has been just this side of unbearable for various reasons. This week, however, we started to get back on track towards a workable future for the relationship. One of the things that has been an issue is his relationship with another girl - wve been talking about it a lot, I’ve been working towards understanding it, and now I’m trying to breathe, accept it, accept her and confront my jealousy.

Intellectually, I know that he likes us both because we are so different. But sometimes, I feel like the different things about her that he finds endearing are like a challenge to me - I should try to give him fashion advice or whatnot, though a part of me knows thats ridiculous. But last night, the three of us hung out at a concert, along with some other friends - and for the first time I began to really consciously confront my jealousy and begin to (try at least) to be happy for him that he’s been able to find two people who care for him (and vice versa). But still - its difficult to see her and want to judge everything about her in a kinda of viscious way that I’m pretty unaccustomed to. I guess I need to cut myself a little bit of slack, since this is the first honest open relationship I’ve been in, and obviously I still have a lot of learning and growing to do.

When I tell people I’m in an open relationship, they always say something like “Don’t you get jealous?” or “I would never be able to do that, I’m too jealous.” I always laugh it off, and tell them that I don’t get jealous. Well, that’s just not true. There, I said it: I get jealous. Now I just need to find constructive ways to deal with it adn really work towards compersion. I know that jealousy will probbaly always peek through - but I have to learn when to sit with it and mull it over and when to ask for support, etc. Its at least as hard as it looks.

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I am the towel girl, goo goo goo joob

August 21, 2004

I spent a good chunk of yesterday afternoon at a porn shoot, which in my opinion is a pretty terrific way to spend a Friday afternoon. Although the reason I was there was basically so that I could write an �on set� piece, this meant that all I was supposed to do was be observant. I am a bit of a busy bee and I like to feel helpful, so I decided that I would do whatever needed to be done, which basically meant that I had to be prepared with condoms, lube and towels (for wiping off the gleaming sex sweat).

It was good times all around. I think we did a good job of making the set relaxed but professional and our performers had a good time. There was a lot of laughter and dick jokes, which are good for (almost) any occasion.

As we deliberated over what positions we�d like to see and how the male talent should be more aggressive without being meaner, I thought � wow. There are plenty of people who will never feel comfortable enough to talk about sex as frankly as I do on a daily basis, and people who will never get to watch other people have sex live in front of them (forget being paid to do so on a porn set). I�m pretty privileged to have all that.

But, yesterday I was also reminded very acutely that most people don�t see that as a privilege. As I was on my way out the door, my ex called, and when I told him where I was going he said, �You have a college degree. Do something in your field. You�re too good for porn.� Sigh. I love the porn, and I am doing something in my field right now, plus I�m starting a master�s degree in two weeks. These are all my �fields.� Why am I getting defensive?

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Polywhatsit? Anatomy of an evolving perspective

August 19, 2004

Two years ago, I was entering the homestretch of a four and a half year monogamous relationship. Part of the decline of the relationship - which ended basically because we grew apart - was my gradual realization that I might want something other than a monogamous relationship. I kept this to myself, and I didn’t try out the theory by cheating. I just kind of sat with it, and let it eat me up a little inside, because I knew that an open relationship was something my boyfriend could never accept, and that it really wasn�t a battle worth fighting.

In the aftermath of the relationship, I started to get my shit together and figure out more about what it is that I want � and I discovered that �polyamory,� �non-monogamy� and �open relationships� were concepts that existed in the world, other people have thought of them too! I decided that I wanted my future to look like that.

My relationship with Dirck, my significant other (SO in the parlance of poly culture), is based almost entirely on the assumption that we will always be non-monogamous and honest about it. Recently we�ve been having more conversations about what this will look like in the future, and what an ideal arrangement for this could be. We are both new at this honest non-monogamy thing and aren�t really sure where it will put us or what our ideal relationships would look like: will we each be the other�s primary partner? Will we kick it swinger style and just hook up with other people for casual sex (as a couple as well as independently)? Will we develop other serious relationships of equal importance? Some combination of all of these?

The thing is � there isn�t today and won�t be in the future � any way to figure this all out, because we don�t know specifically what we want. This became clear in a recent conversation that ended in a good dose of laughter. The only thing to do with all that is to keep on keepin� on, make with the talking and just hope for the best.

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Permission

August 18, 2004

The more I talk to people about sex in either the theoretical sense or the direct sense, the more I think that all sex and deviant desire is about is just � permission. People seem to have difficulty giving themselves permission to feel the way they feel, lust after what they lust for and get off to the things they get off to. Sometimes they have a desire to know that they are �normal� or they just want to have their sexual feelings legitimated, recognized and hopefully encouraged.

This makes sense, its good to feel validated, especially when it comes to private desires to do dirty things or have them done to you. This moves me into a kind of nurturing role, because I have lots of sexual nurturing to give. I like to encourage exploration � like in my threesome of this past weekend � but I know that I have to balance the delight in this role with the necessities of taking care of myself, sexually and emotionally. I have to know when to say �no� to giving � a hard thing to learn, but I think I�m learning this skill better, and trying to tame the guilt monster so I don�t feel like I�m disappointing people. Giving is good, but I have to be in an appropriate frame of mind for it. I guess what I’m saying here is that I’m giving myself permission to take care of my self first, and others when possible.

Posted by Dacia at 03:27 PM

The secret world of secrets

I�m very much a planning and list-making person. But sometimes there are life situations that just can�t have a plan, because each situation is different from the next one. Unfortunately, when my hypothetical planning centers around a desire to create a workable double life (with many nuances), things get a little sketchy. I am bad at lying. Not the act of lying itself, I can usually do that � it�s keeping up the story over time that makes things fall apart. Is being closeted about things or choosing not to reveal indiscretions lying, or is it a healthy form of self-preservation? Maybe the only way I can make this host of complexities work in my head and heart is to call it self-preservation and go from there. Day by day, I�m watching the closet closing in � well, ok, that�s not quite fair� I�m watching myself inch closer to the closet with each new presentation of myself to each new person. I�m starting to try out my grad student persona a little bit. Its interesting � the conscious act of editing out the other half of my life. I�m finding that � and this is very important � I am still very much an interesting person without the sex dimension, so in many ways it seems doable. My StraightWorld coworkers don�t seem to see a gap in my persona, like I am hiding anything from them � because I lead a pretty full life without the addition of the Pervland story. This is good, and in many ways, it will be interesting to gain some distance from Pervland and to further pass in the StraightWorld, as Dacia, grad student and new professional. The complicated part is that I�ve started to try out this persona in places I wouldn�t expect. For instance, this weekend when I had my threesome, I didn�t reveal that I work in the adult industry. I only talked about my StraightWorld job and passions. This was an experiment, in part to see if this presentation was convincing � especially once the two of them were introduced to my home, which is liberally sprinkled with dirty pictures on the walls and heaps of porn vids everywhere. They seemed to buy it. So maybe I can maintain.

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Sexy or ugly? A fine line

August 16, 2004

I spent a lot of time today editing stills for a promotional package I’m putting together. This essentially boils down to having to pick 6-8 stills for three different productions, with around 800 images to choose from for each production. Basically, I looked at a lot of nekkid bodies today - like I do every day, only more so.

When I tell the uninitiated that I work in the adult industry, the next question is often, “Do you get turned on at work?” Yes, sometimes. But when I spend an afternoon looking at 2500 pornographic images, I’m really looking for very specific things - a certain look, a certain act. It can become very scientific as I look for the specific details that I know make images sexy, or at least are supposed.

The company I work for is trying to gently push our productions away from the mainstream, but while also staying away from the really alternative porn. We’re still playing with the idea of the girl-next-door that is so familiar to porn viewers; our girls have to display a certain level of realness in their presentation, acting and general style. We had a producer a few years ago who really liked fake tits. As a result, one of the sets I was editing today had a lot of this:

Yowza! Beautiful girl - why oh why inflate your ta-tas? Especially after seeing lots of images of “natural” beauties, the fake tits are a little over the top and hard to stomach. In my eyes (and pants), an instance of sexy become ugly.

The other thing that generally we try to avoid, but of course shows up when you hire professional porn performers, is the overly porny action, created for the sake of the viewer. For example:

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Cock wars

August 13, 2004

Here at porn central, we’ve been having an argument about cock size and girth - this argument is not about saying that bigger is better, because we’ve all agreed that different people like different kinds of cock. The argument is more about visual impressiveness on film. As anyone who has spent half a second in front of a porn film knows, in the California porn that dominates the market, the monster cock reigns supreme. And the priority for humungo cock is one of the things that has trickled down into amateur smut everywhere. Anyway, yesterday a friendly but heated argument stirred up, because a (very cute and personable) couple that came in for the casting call includes an Asian man. One of the producers is concerned about the reputation of Asian men to be underly endowed. This led to an argument about whether we should reinforce the myth that bigger is always better or show cocks of varying size and shape. Part of the problem of course is that its not just about what we at the company believe to be true or good or sex and body positive, but there is the whole command of the market thing. Will people be interested in seeing porn with average sized cocks? Or are porn viewers on average only interested in seeing a porn circus, with freakshow proportion cocks and tits. The cock wars continue today - and I maintain that huge cocks are definitely a source of fascination because there aren’t a whole lotta them out there, but also it could be quite a good thing to feature more average cocks. We could be trendsetters - but I’m also not funding these productions. And so the cock wars rage on.

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Beauty myths

August 12, 2004

In a very unexpected way, being involved in the adult industry has actually made me get over some of my hang ups about my own body. I really thought that the industry would take me in the opposite direction, that I would feel perpetually chubby and unhot. Part of it is because being on set, in casting calls and seeing footage that never makes it into the finished product makes me realize - these girls are a far cry from perfect. Its also being around bodies so much and realizing how unique each one is. But its more than that. Its realizing that, perfection aside, there are so many tastes and flavors out there in the world that attraction is really a matter of niche marketing.

Of course, there is the dominant paradigm (tall! thin! blonde! femme! tits-on-a-stick) that is internalized through swallowing the pill, being gag fucked by it or just the osmosis of living in the world. Cruel cruel beauty myth, how I have struggled with you and lived in opposition to you - and swallowed you so that you can burn me from the inside. Starting around age 14, I developed a pretty severe eating disorder that helped self-hatred manifest and cling to my brain for years.

But as I get older I give less of a shit about that ever-pervasive beauty standard: maybe I’m finally exorcising that demon. More than that though,I’m trying to find and enjoy alternative beauties (me included!). And that sounds like a tagline for any number of altporn ventures that are flourishing online communities, but images of difference are good.

Even better than those images of difference is what happened inside my head today. We had a girl come back to a second round of casting calls, and everyone in the office is nuts over her. She’s certainly cute and young and her tits are nice and perky. I think she’s cute too, its not just everyone else - she is the prototype of the perfect girl for our company, thats for sure. But I can totally separate that - her subjective hotness - from what I think of myself. I’m not comparing the pertness of her tits to mine - because why? I know there are plenty of folks who love small perky tits like hers - but plenty also love large pierced tits like mine. Sure, they might not be the same people, and she is the kind of girl who can have a fairly succesful modeling career while I’m not. But that comparison doesn’t matter, because I know that my “look” is marketable - and beyond that, I appreciate myself for what I am, so do others, and the market can go fuck itself. Everyone else can go fuck themselves too. Or they can find people who fit their desired aesthetic to fuck them. And I’ll do the same (not fuck them, find more people I lust after who lust after me).

So that’s my dose of our bodies, ourselves brand feminist self-cheerleading for the day. I’m gonna sneak off to the bathroom for my afternoon wank and then chow down on some chocolate. Call it the celebration of me.

Posted by Dacia at 04:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

"Trannyfags" - a review

August 10, 2004

A few days ago, I borrowed “Trannyfags” from my friend Jane. We are always eager to swap porn titles and hook each other up with free porn that comes to us through various channels, because its fun to play porn fairy. Anyway, she lent me this copy of “Trannyfags,” a new movie that I’ve been hearing lots of good things about.

And I’ve gotta say - from the viewpoint of someone trying to get their rocks off, I was just sorely disappointed.

I have great respect and appreciation for the folks who put the video together and especially those who starred in it. But - the cinematography and editing (I’m a snob, I know) was just awful. This makes me very sad, because on a daily basis I see porn that is just crappy content - frightening people who I don’t find sexy, dispassionately going through the motions - but is expertly produced, shot and edited. The form makes a big difference, content alone can’t carry a film.

For instance, in “Trannyfags” there is one scene with a black bio-boy and a white ftm - they are hot, and they are hot for each other, which is definitely a great recipe for an explosive scene: but. The scene has very rapid editing, switching from one camera angle to the next very quickly - this is probably an an attempt to capture the intensity of the moment, but it ends up being really distracting. This scene also includes a bunch of split screen shots, where there are two or three different camera angles up on the screen at once. And again, while I can understand the reasoning behind it, this ends up distracting me from the action and actually making it more difficult for me to enjoy the sweaty grunting nakedness on screen.

I think its difficult to be experimental with the form of a porn flick and still have it be successful in terms of its being PORN. Straightforward filmmaking - though it seems incredibly boring - is probably the best approach to take. Simple editing with slow enough pacing that the viewer gets to appreciate the action thoroughly, but quick enough so different angles can get checked out is definitely necessary. But lots of switching around or intercutting between different scenes (which Trannyfags was not guilty of but is one of my major pet peeves) just doesn’t end up capturing the essence of the fucking. And thats what porn is about to me - capturing the heat, intensity and essence of fucking, with whatever combination of bodies. And then packaging it for girls like me to beat off to.

Regardless of my disappointment, I want to see more films from the director, Morty Diamond. And I want to see more hot trannyfag action in general. Thats what I want for Christmas.

Posted by Dacia at 01:46 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Casting calls in Pornoland

August 06, 2004

Thursday afternoon was a three hour long casting call at the porn company I work for. Casting calls are really interesting experiences, to put it mildly. Though I am involved in the actual interview process with people when (if) they show up, I am not involved with the placing of ads and arranging of appointments. This means that I basically don’t know who will be showing up or when - all I know is that they will probably be very young, skinny, bubbly women.

As soon as a girl comes in, I’m all about trying to make her feel comfortable and not nervous. Usually I reject the whole gender solidarity thing for various reasons, not the least of which being that I’m a huge brat, but I’m very keen on gender solidarity during these casting calls, because not only am I the only other girl there, but I’m the person who is closest in age to the potential talent. These conversations can be lots of fun as we get to know the girl, which boils down to three major questions: how comfortable is she with her body and her sexuality? is she crazy? is she interested in doing porn to get revenge or make someone jealous?

In the casting call yesterday, we got a really nice, cute girl with great tits (I know for sure they were nice because part of casting is getting the girl to take her clothes off). It was pretty easy to get her talking about herself and why she’s interested in doing porn. In my notes, fairly early in the interview, I wrote: “motivation to do porn is purely vindictive - bad boyfriend.” As we got her talking more, she confessed that she wants to do porn because she wants to “torture” her boyfriend. To me, this is a red flag. But the powers that be were very taken with her, so she may do a solo scene for us sometime soon.

Afterwards, I was thinking more about her and the other girls who came to the casting, all of whom were very young - in the 18-21 range. And the more I think about it, the more I think that the minimum age for porn performers should be 21 instead of 18, because seriously, what 18 year old girl is mature enough to deal with sex (much less porn) and has thoroughly learned to say no and stick to it. I am a major supporter of the idea that porn (and sex work more generally) can be a wonderful and liberating experience, but it can also be oppressive and fucked up. This discussion came up a few months ago on Carly Milne’ Pornblography, where Carly also says that 21 should be the minimum age. It’s certainly a dilemma - and its been pointed out to me that its perhaps unusual for someone sex positive and pro-porn to recommend an increase in minimum age for something sex related. But while I think its important for women of all ages to have access to, say, reproductive health care, I do think this is a different issue. A sticky one (har har), to be sure.

Posted by Dacia at 09:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Treasure?

August 02, 2004

Sometime in the course of the day, there appeared in my office a large box that has written on it: “Ye Olde Crap Box.” Because its encroaching on my personal space, I felt it was my duty to open ‘er up (incidentally, I feel the same way about cute girls in my proximity).

It is indeed a box of mysterious crap. It contains the usual mix of odd cables that someone seems to have had trouble parting with, plus some shiny costumes and a double-ended dildo, not new and in the package, so presumably used on a shoot and then tossed in the crap box.

The other thing I’ve been doing today is researching slang terms for male masturbation, for use in a press release I’m writing. My favorite at the moment is “burping the worm.”

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