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On the upswing
November 17, 2006
At the end of September, I hit rock bottom with my doubts and my aspirations and, well, everything. I wasn’t getting paid for work I’d done (though I was supposed to), I was feeling like I’ve traded in everything for nothing, I was hungry, and I was wondering when exactly this shit would change. I was feeling like I should just give up this crazy life I’ve tried to build for something safer, like a full time job with benefits. Slowly but surely since then, things have started to shift, and that adage “Its always darkest before the dawn” is starting to prove itself true.
Really, hitting a low point was good for me, though it didn’t feel like it at the time and my close friends had to put up with some fucking serious moping and freak outs. When I got my book deal, I took a leave of absence from school for the semester, knowing that I should go back and finish (I “only” have to write my thesis, and then I’ll have a master’s degree), but also not really caring and feelig at odds with academia. Getting to that scary place in September was a real jolt to my system, and made me actually believe in finishing my degree and start to think about The Future and whether maybe perhaps I might continue on and do the PhD thing. That’s still a heavy question mark hanging in the air, but I turned in my signed and approved thesis proposal on Wednesday and goddamn it, within a month of my 27th birthday I will have the triple crown of movie, book, and master’s degree in my pocket. And then I fully expect to have another meltdown punctuated with the question of “what now?”
I’m still not at the “look back and laugh at my misfortune” phase, that’s for sure. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year (but really there are many), its that I can’t do everything myself and its stupid to try. As much as I want to have good knowledge about things, there’s just some stuff I don’t and can’t know, and that other people can do better than me (editing a movie and troubleshooting a computer, for example). Bigger, better and more interesting things are starting to roll my way, and with most things I feel like I just have to step up, own it, do it - though I also know that this is all starting to build to a point where I can’t go it alone. There’s a limit to my knowledge of the world, especially business, and what the hell I’m doing - and I’m hitting that wall. So I know I’m at a point where its time to assemble a team to back my shit up and allow me to do what I’m good at, but who those people are and what they do isn’t totally clear to me yet. I should probably spend the next few months enjoying relative calm and figuring out the answer to that problem, because once the movie and then the book get unleashed on the world, things are probably going to get a lot more hectic and strange, though I can’t entirely picture how just yet.
Its probably time to think fewer thinky thoughts that freak me out, tuck my head down and write the remaining 25,000 words of my book. But seriously kids, hang on. Its gonna get (more) interesting.
Posted by Dacia at November 17, 2006 11:14 AM
Comments
I did try to reply to that post you pulled ~ I thought it was refreshing to read. Gut-honest in a business that has lots of ‘push & promise’, as writing does.
I’m glad to see things are better :)
With much affection, Gracie
Posted by: Gracie Passette at November 17, 2006 12:29 PM
You’ll need an Ethnic Sidekick, a Wise Old Master, an Annoying Kid, a Black Man Who Sacrifices Himself For The Good Of The Group and a lawyer.
Make them wear color-coordinated outfits.
Posted by: Mikey Mongol at November 17, 2006 06:27 PM
been reading this for a while and if anything, you are more than up to the task. Really, you’ve done all this before… just in bits and pieces… Holland alone! C’mon! Take yer little fear by the hand… jump off the diving board together… see who swims back to the ladder. My money is on you. I don’t think you could spell fear with a dictionary. Not in your nature. Rock on Dac…
Posted by: Ed at November 18, 2006 02:42 AM
Looking forward to what comes next.
Posted by: Josh Jasper at November 18, 2006 11:53 PM
Its normal to feel like this from time to time, 2007 is almost here, time to make some promises, and keep at least a few..
good luck
Posted by: Chiara at November 19, 2006 09:54 PM
Oh Dacia, you have no idea how much I needed to read this post. Rock bottom is here, has been here for a couple of months, and I’m trying to find the optimism to get myself somewhere, anywhere, that doesn’t make me feel like these nearly 25 years have been completely wasted. Woke up today and said “Holy shit! I need to get my act together.” After floundering for so long, and realizing it’s my own fault, I suddenly snapped out of it and halfway realized “I can do life. I just have to try.” Couldn’t completely abolish that doubtful demon on my shoulder telling myself I can dig in, I can take advantage of my natural gifts, and can let people help me here and there without feeling like a completely weak, defeated being. Then I read this - and realized that another brilliant woman who I thought had it completely made still struggles with the unsavory everyday bullshit - hunger, exhaustion, stress, grit, LIFE. And so I realized - we’re born into this and we have to go with it and it won’t improve unless we let it. I don’t know if this makes much sense or if I am explaining myself clearly, but in the shell of a nut - you motivated and inspired me. We may be on different levels of the ladder of “success,” but fuck, I needed someone to relate to, to validate that I should be here at all - and as I can’t imagine a world without the brains and talents of Dacia, there is no reason for me to imagine a world without all that I myself have to offer but haven’t had the courage or energy to unleash. So, thank you for saving me a little bit, even if only for today. It would be silly for me to give up without even beginning - and besides, without seeing bottom, we can’t appreviate the top - and there is a mountain for every single one of us to stand atop, but before we can climb it we need to equip ourselves with the right tools (the most important possibly being patience) - whether they be inborn, bought, or borrowed. You’ve acknowledged my potential in the past, and getting that positive boost from someone I respect gives me no choice but to acknowledge its truth. No, I’m not licking your boots - just honesty. Apologies if the lengthy comment felt like a hijack - I tend to be wordy when emotion strikes.
Posted by: Layla at November 21, 2006 02:49 PM
