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Tradition, caretaking and feminism
October 16, 2006
I’ve been thinking a lot about tradition recently, because as much as I’ve eschewed tradition at every turn in my life, I think I’m becoming something of an old softy, and some traditions now make me misty-eyed instead of irrationally angry. When I was younger, I thought it was really lame and unfeminist to follow traditions, and especially to want to be taken care of or to want to take care of someone else – and if any of the above fell along the lines of traditional gender expressions, forget about it.
The meat of what I was perhaps reacting to is that codependence is bad, and so is blindly following tradition because that’s what you’re supposed to do. “Question everything,” has always been something of a mantra for me. But independence to the extent of defiance and destruction is at least as stupid and self-defeating as codependence. Maybe worse, since it’s often reactionary.
In the midst of movie making madness in July, my boyfriend said that though he knows its traditional, and that I’m strong and can run the world by myself, he wants to take care of me and support me. He said this in an almost apologetic tone, knowing that I’d be weird about it. But he was also pretty adamant about making sure I know that he’ll take care of me. And he did and does, and I’ve let him, most of all when I didn’t know I needed the help. And now I really really dig it, even crave it and need it - I want him to pet my hair when I cry and beat people up when they are mean to me. And in return, I want to take care of him in the ways I can, the ways he’ll let me and the ways he can’t ask for. It’s a relief, really, this symbiosis – and it doesn’t make me feel less sure of myself or lazier, it makes me feel stronger, and like there is a safety net for me, like I’m not blindly forging ahead.
Another taste of tradition I’ve totally eaten up in the past month is – marriage. Two of my friends, fellow editors of $pread, got married in their own ways in the past month – one in an art gallery, the other at a restaurant (sans ceremony, but with food and drink, essential components). Months ago when they each announced their impending nuptials I felt a bit stunned and betrayed – they are supposed to be like me, perpetually adolescent, unsettled and undecided about their paths in life. But as the dates neared, I began to get it a bit more, and see the ways that they were owning their decisions because its what they and their partners want. It is stupid – though still tempting – to outright reject the status quo just because it is the status quo. Much more interesting to rework it and make it bend to your will.
See, I told you I’m turning into an old softy.
And these are the nuances of feminism I’m finally beginning to understand – yes, feminism is about the strengths and abilities of women, but at its core it’s about choices. And not all traditional choices, when thought through, shaped and owned by an individual are bad “false consciousness” lumps of misery. I don’t really know why it’s taken me so long to piece that together – it seems so obvious now. Even if I don’t do it myself, nothing makes me happier than thinking about my friends getting married and having kids and being happy in their own weird little ways, and showing that’s possible.
Posted by Dacia at October 16, 2006 01:22 AM
Comments
I think this:
“It is stupid – though still tempting – to outright reject the status quo just because it is the status quo. Much more interesting to rework it and make it bend to your will.”
… says it perfectly.
That’s why I got SO annoyed back in college, with a couple of girls who were in the Women’s Studies group (they were the minority, but they were loud, vocal, and annoying) - talking about how marriage was inherently a bad thing, and how it was a tool to control women, and how they would NEVER do it, etc. And there I was, married at the time, and going, “WTF?” Because I have always been an ardent feminist and I always will be. And I tried to make them see that them dismissing my choices out of hand was no better than the “traditionalists” they were opposed to, telling them that they MUST get married and have children and all the rest of it. They were making assumptions about my relationship and my reasons for choosing to get married - and that was pretty damn arrogant of them, considering that they didn’t know the first thing about me aside from seeing me in the occassional meeting.
So, anyway… YES, to everything you wrote here.
Posted by: Amber at October 22, 2006 12:35 PM
