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C is for community
May 20, 2006
Sometimes I do so much writing and working that basically stems from and is connected to the blogging I do that I forget that I haven’t actually been blogging. Like the last week and change. Also, I’ve been doing this weird thing, I think it’s called socializing, like almost every day. It’s pretty sweet. Anyway, though it may appear that I’ve been neglecting you, I haven’t been really, it’s just that I have really good stories that I can’t tell right now. I’m going to keep that all mysterious-sounding for now, but the point is that more will be revealed in another week. And it will be good.
Over the past bunch of months, I’ve found myself somewhat obsessed by building community among sex people. $pread is really what started it all and made my heart ache for people like me – both in the sense of wanting to find them and wanting them to find each other. At $pread we get letters from folks who are just so glad to find the magazine, read words they can relate to, know they aren’t alone, feel a part of something. This made me look around at other stuff I’m involved in and think – why isn’t more talking happening? More talking has been happening in a really powerful way amongst the NYC sex bloggers, and this is good to see. And then there’s the alt porn folks – a scene which I’m really only tenuously a part of, which I’m often grateful for, because it always seems that everyone is talking shit about each other (which I having a craving to hear, gossip-hound that I am, but don’t really want to get entangled in it). And then there’s this other group of people – sex educators and writers, many of whom are working tirelessly along to make differences, but not necessarily talking to one another. In a lunch with Jamye Waxman a few months ago, we decided that this is lame, and is something we want to fix. This week that came to fruition with a small gathering at her apartment, and hopefully it will spawn more hanging out, more collaborations, more success.
For me, this desire for community is partly for the basic reason that I want to have more friends, and I can’t tell you how many friendships I’ve allowed to ebb over the years because I never realized that friendships need maintenance and effort, they don’t just exist on a perpetual even keel. But its also because I’m becoming an old softy, and one of the things I’ve been thinking about a lot about the sex industry and about life in general is – what does it all matter if you don’t have people you connect with, people who you can call home, who get it and support your shit. So: community.
The thing about this weird little world of sex and writing and sex working and activism and porn and trying to make it all work and earn a living and not go crazy is that it’s isolating and there’s a weird underlying bit of competitiveness in the whole thing. There’s this idea that there’s only room for so many of us to “make it” – and I’m not certain whether that’s true or not, but it seems to me that I should be reaching out to these folks for support, understanding, and constructive criticism. Maybe this will bite me in the ass when I help other people to succeed and get left in their dust, maybe I’m being naïve – but I hope not. If I can use whatever power and fame (hahaha) to help people I respect get their due, then I’ll make it happen. This is one of those realizations I’ve had recently that makes me feel like I’m not as jaded as I thought. Even though I hate everything, there are people I believe in, projects I think are damned worthwhile, and I’ll what I can to help them along, maybe for a sense of belonging or camaraderie. Probably best not to overthink it. At any rate, this week, even as I spent (and continue to spend) countless hours alone in front of my computer, editing, writing, thinking shit through, I’ve also been feeling like I’m a part of something, like people have got my back, like I’ve got a cool community of people who believe in me, and I in them.
Posted by Dacia at May 20, 2006 10:31 PM
Comments
Wow. Awesome.
You’re not naive. Generous, thoughtful, and savvy are more like it. You can get very far in life if you continue with this philosophy.
(and all that zero-sum-game stuff is nonsense. The stuff of pessimism and insecurity. Helping people who need help can’t hurt you.)
Posted by: brianvan at May 21, 2006 12:57 AM
I, for one, am always happy to make room for sane, complete-sentence-using alt-porn people. Especially sane, complete-sentence-using alt-porn people who live in New York.
Posted by: Zak Sabbath at May 21, 2006 01:58 AM
NYC seems to be a tough place for that. I’m coming from looking at higns in CA, where I found it a lot easier to build communities.
How would you go about building the community you want?
Posted by: Josh Jasper at May 21, 2006 07:58 AM
