Wanting what I can’t have

interesting post.

First and foremost, without question it’s best that you do what’s healthiest for yourself. Your choice is respectable and makes perfect sense. Sex should not hold your emotions hostage in that way, ever. Exhibitionism can be especially stressful at times. All told, you don’t need to put your psyche on the line to make something like this happen. You shouldn’t feel guilt in passing up the opportunity to do hardcore. Now’s just not the right time.

Having sex in the way you desire it right now seems to be everyone’s tall order. I don’t think it’s happening much among the singles I know - and I hang with some fairly attractive erotica readers! You’d figure they’d have sex all figured out, right? Well, I think they know better than anyone else when they’re not getting the good stuff.

I think this reality needles everyone. A lot of people are floundering around, trying to discover something about themselves and find a more meaningful connection. Sadly, they fail often. Casual sex is in itself not so hard to find, but who wants to constantly be used for bad sex? A couple of drinks might get some people open to the idea of going back home with a partner for something sloppy and disagreeable, but I don’t see anyone who’s really open to romance, or anything truly rewarding with intimacy.

Yet that distinction - between destructive sex and desirable sex - now has me feeling more stymied than I ever felt at any time. Rather than just being the cliched “squirrel trying to get a nut” I had been in the past, I now realize that what I really want I haven’t had in years. I know other people at this juncture, and I’m not sure how long they’ve each been there, but I’ll say that the average time has to be way longer than a couple of months.

There’s not much you can do to fix this immediately… just have to find other creative outlets for the time being! Maybe in the process, you can try to surround yourself with more like-minded people who have a similar sensibilities about romance and intimacy, and through that you’ll increase the chance that a positive and desirable sexual/intimate relationship may develop. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

I really loved this post, so much so that I wrote key excerpts that I resonate with and have tacked it up in my space.

I understand , and while my stuff I am not focusing energy on is different, I like to know others are doing the same and it is just part of life. Taking a different path that is lonely , as in ‘a lone person’, not so much missing people, and feeling like groundless.

XXX Chica

Not too long ago I wrote:

Porn is about fantasy, right? Well it would be nice if it was. The problem is that like sex, porn takes place in the real world, not in some sexual utopia. In porn, the boundaries between reel life and real life are blurry, if they even exist at all.

“In light of that fact, I’m much more interested in depicting sex as being a very adult activity, which is to say every act of sexual union comes with the possibility of profound, possibly life changing consequences. This need not be as dark as it might sound.”

It need not be dark at all. In fact, as I sit here typing this, a small girl-child sits on my lap, gurgling testiment to the fact that sex is profoundly consequencial.

If I feel disconnected, it’s that videos that proport to be about sexual pleasure are profoundly anchored post-pennicilan, post-pill, post-Roe, pre-HIV point of view that sees sex as a disease free, pregnacy free, consequence free, and often emotion free experience. An amusement park thrill ride where nothing can go wrong.

Riding a rollercoaster is fine fun, but it is a fundementally different experience, than climbing a mountain, or riding a big wave, or gardening. Like sex, those activities take place in the real world, where actions have consequence, both good and bad. No matter how thrilling, a rollercoaster can never offer an experience with the same depth.

As a porn viewer, I’ve never been able to completely put aside the discrepency between the rollercoaster ride that I’m on as a view and the real world experience that I’m watching.

As a producer I have an uneasiness asking people to do things that they wouldn’t happily do anyway, out of sight of my learing lens, and absent my check book.

This is a fantastic and well-articulated post. There really is nothing like having sex with someone you love and when you don’t have that, the loss is real. It’s why I don’t have casual sex, it’s not satisfying. In order to be satisfied, I need love or money.

Stick to your guns. It’s hard, but you’ll be happy you did.

CCG

Ah, yes, that high wire tightrope walk between desire and fragility. I know it well.

Beautiful post, Ms Ray. Rock on with your self-recognizing ever-evolving self.

Perhaps a more succinct title for this post would be, “Knowing (Better) What I Don’t Need.”

Maybe it’s the fragile that makes desire tastier. There’s always a give and take, push and pull, yin and yang. If you could be “strong” all the time, you’d break because you don’t know how to bend.

The sad hell of getting older and maturing is that sex beomes not enough. I started late with sex - 25 - but got rolling after that first started and have had more than my fair share of fun. But I haven’t had much of what Ms. Ray and many seem to have had - a loving, and fulfilling sexual life with one partner. And I desire that more than anything. Casual romps are fun but I too want the connection with someone where you know they’ll be there when your clothes are on and when your heart is bared. I look forward to a day when I can explore that side of sexuality.

Good for you! I’ve been there (well, maybe not exactly there, but someplace that seems pretty close) and the self-learning as you move through it into a more centered/grounded experience of sex has been awesome for me.

hopefully we’ll see more of you behind the scenes, even though i’d pay good money to see you on the blue screen.

your boobs are almost as hot as your brain, miss dacia.

“But you know what – I don’t care what other people’s judgments are of that fact, because I know where I’m at, and I’m learning about what I need and want, and I’m finally doing that the right way.”

Screw those people (figuratively speaking, of course). Anyone who chides you for not being sexual enough has a self-serving agenda anyway.

What an amazing post! You (and Tony Comstock above) really hit upon my disconnect with most porn today. It has no context to romance, feelings, or love. Even couples porn is so awash in the physical. It’s like creating any kind of emotional context to the sex isn’t worth the camera time.

As to your personal experience, I can only say that you seem to have such a healthy outlook. And it should be noted, that, if nothing else, you are inspiring people like me.