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Reconsidering polyamory
December 08, 2005
I never used to understand people having rules in their open relationships (with the exception of “Don’t be a jerkface,” which has most situations covered). I never used to get it when people started off their relationships in a monogamous way when they fully intended to open it up at a later date. I never used to understand the idea of the primary, core relationship-on-high, barricaded against all other intrusions.
Now maybe I do understand these things, if only a wee bit.
In some respects, I still think that if you need 6,042 rules to make your relationships work, there might be something else going on there that needs to be examined (something lame, is my guess). Plus, rules are made to be broken. But I get the whole negotiation thing a little better now, I more deeply fathom including a partner in decisions about taking other lovers.
It’s been nearly three years since James and I ended our relationship, broke our lease, went our separate ways (though our friendship persists in strange ways), and I decided that I wasn’t going to be monogamous. Ever again. I didn’t want my sexuality to be owned and disfigured like it had become in the later days of my relationship with James. I wanted it to be mine – mine to share with lots of people. Once I had an address of my very own, I bought The Ethical Slut, and read it in one sleepless night, nodding along, recalling a line from 1984 as I did so: “The best books are ones that tell you what you already know.”
22 year old conclusion: Monogamy is for losers. I am going to get laid all the time. It is going to be awesome.
Then I met someone, and it started to turn into something with a connection. Honest non-monogamy, of course, was what we both wanted. Fast forward eight months and I was in love, still non-monogamous, with a secondary partner of several months to boot. The following year: a new secondary partner (a girl this time), lots of miscellaneous mischief in between. Well played. Sort of.
As I think harder and harder about it, one of the major pitfalls of non-monogamy for me in that primary relationship was that I liked the prowl and I was always searching for something. I chalked this up to me being of that disposition, which in some ways is true, but being non-monogamous in that relationship allowed me to turn away from some of the very real negative pieces of the whole thing. If we’d tried to be monogamous, I probably would’ve seen the whole situation in a clearer way and gotten out of it sooner. Being non-monogamous allowed me to turn away, to seek fulfillment through other people and not face the music.
It’s a touchy thing though – I certainly don’t mean this as a treatise against non-monogamy, but I realize the ways I used the situation for evil. Maybe “evil” is a tad of an overstatement, but I like it in that phrase, so deal with it. At the same time, I definitely learned a hell of a lot from the whole thing, and I do think that being non-monogamous has taught me to stand up for myself and my desires while not giving my sexual self esteem to one person.
Nowadays, I’m not fervently (or furtively) searching. That search, the thrill of new interesting people, is something of a compulsion for me, a compulsion that helps me to turn away from the person and situation I need to be focusing on. Does this mean that I am cut out for monogamy after all? Well, I wouldn’t go that far (after all, rumor has it that a certain houseboy is back in town). But, I’m approaching the whole mess with more careful consideration this time around. Maybe rules and restrictions aren’t such a bad thing – or at least they aren’t if they help to build something good and strong. One strong relationship is worth so much more than a handful of weak ones, that’s for goddamned sure.
Posted by Dacia at December 8, 2005 12:55 AM
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Comments
Houseboy is back in town? Honey, please send him over to Jefferson! It’s a lot of work switching an apartment between pervert and family modes.
Posted by: Viviane at December 8, 2005 07:31 AM
Could it be that as the current of life flows through different waters our sexual needs change just as do our emotional and physical needs? Where is it written that our sexual choices must be permanent; that being polyamorous today prohibits monogamy tomorrow, and vice versa, for equally valid reasons?
-G
Posted by: Garrison Steelle at December 8, 2005 08:31 AM
I did a bit on this subject at my place recently: http://algor_langeaux.blogspot.com/2005/12/if-monogamy-was-really-norm.html. I am thinking that the biggest “rule” about doing non-monogamy right is that it be ethical…
Which means that everyone needs to be on the same page…
Which means communication…
Which is way easier than it sounds.
Sometimes it can feel like you are talking a relationship to death, but if you care about your partners and their feelings, it works like an emotional condom - preventing the transmission of emotional dis-ease.
It is for protecting yourself as much if not more than protecting your partner.
Lots of that drive for NRE is a largely chemical argument: http://algor_langeaux.blogspot.com/2005/11/question-of-day-from-mandy-when-you.html
Posted by: Algor_Langeaux at December 8, 2005 10:16 AM
I tell pretty much every monogamous person who asks that polyamory is, in fact, harder, and more likley to cause friction in a relationship than monogamy. It’s only worked for me becuase of a combination of personality traits that are incredibly rare. I don’t get jealous easily. I tend to select for people who don’t break rules, and I tend to have only a small number of rules I ask are followed.
Polyamory isn’t even suited to a lot of polyamrous people. I know several who just shouldn’t be poly, or if they should, need to end the relationship they’re currently in for it to work.
That said, from the limited view I’ve had of how your relationships have been working form what I’ve read, I think the problems were with the guys you selected, not with the relationship structure.
Still, I’ve been noticing (again, from a limited viewpoint) a shift in the way you’ve been reacting to sex, relationships, etc… A monogamous relationship might be the best thing for you.
Posted by: Josh Jasper at December 8, 2005 07:33 PM
What Garrison said.
Posted by: Amber at December 9, 2005 05:58 PM
One of the reasons why I’m monogamous now is because I discovered that exhausting my sexual energy on the time and trouble of managing multiple partners caused a major break in my creative output.
That, and the odds of finding a boy who could deal with both me and non-monogamy at the same time aren’t a good bet.
It’s amazing what you can do when you’re not busy trying to sleep with everyone. Your creativity skyrockets.
But I think there’s something to be said for trying to make it work, which it very rarely ever does in the long term scheme of things.
Posted by: charges at December 10, 2005 03:32 PM
One of the reasons polyamory is not for everyone is because of the usual (but misinformed) interpretation that if you’re poly, you’re trying to sleep with everyone.
I don’t know any poly people who’re making it work doing things that way. I do know plenty who tried, and either got burned out, or lost partners because of overpromiscuity.
Posted by: sinboy at December 10, 2005 05:22 PM
I’ve been reading so many great blogs lately, all with really strong, intelligent politics, and it’s no suprise that 3 out of 4 have read The Ethical Slut. Such a spectacular read. Your blog is quite interesting, I’m enjoying it.
Posted by: Britt at December 28, 2005 07:17 PM
Polyamory is such a slippery concept, and it has so many pitfalls. I believe it can only work when both people come to it already poly. Monogamy has such a draw on our imagination because of the way society has presented us with the choice of “endless bliss” vs. “sin.” Of course, some of us prefer sin to salvation.
Posted by: painful tom at August 15, 2006 05:05 PM
