« $pread mag's Sex Worker Fashion Show | Main | Advanced notice »
Spirals
November 10, 2005
My brain, my heart and my emotions have spiraled in and out of control about a thousand times in the past week – not all good, not all bad, just there. I spent the first half of last week stressing over an essay for an anthology and then a paper for school, partly in good nerdy-obsessive ways, partly in bad sit up all night and stare at the blinking cursor ways. But both are done, and I’ve made a new list of writings that I need to accomplish (a.k.a. obsess over) this week. Once that was done, Jane rolled into town, with her blue hair and her craziness. I hadn’t seen her since she dropped me off at JFK on July 1, the day I flew to Amsterdam.
We immediately fell into our habits of being – chocolate cake, snuggling in bed, watching movies. Add Moira and some beer, and we’ve got ourselves an un-party. Friday night stretched into Saturday morning, a trip to a farmer’s market, purchase of delicious sausages and more cake, and then flopping back into bed. But there was something unfamiliar about the whole thing – I’ve pushed myself much more towards wellness since I last saw Jane, and she’s had a mental breakdown. It’s so hard to see my best friend like this – I want to shake her, I want to make it better, but I can’t. I can love her, support her, and I can wait and hope, and… be helpless. I feel myself getting bitchy and impatient when she acts crazy, and then I hate myself for it, tell myself to be more patient, but feel it spiraling, the impatience welling up.
Sunday night, after we’d spent our respective days apart, we came back together at my place, and she seemed so crystal clear, enthused after a day with dear friends, clear and excited about the possibilities, plotting madly to start a safer sex material distribution company in Houston. Then, another ugly spiral, a nearly sleepless night for her, restless achy sleep for me. I was up early on Monday, writing madly and preparing for the $pread benefit. Jane slept til late afternoon, when I woke her with promises of sushi. She seemed solid when I left her to get my ass to Williamsburg and prepare for the benefit. In between that moment and when I saw her next, she had a bit of a freakout, which in true Jane style included a long shower and a few shots of whiskey. But then, swallowed by the swirl of energy at the $pread party, things seemed better.
At the benefit, I worked the door for the first few hours – a job which I totally adore for some reason. I like being the friendly face on the frontline, plus being door girl lets me be social without pesky things like standing up or yelling over music. The drawback was that I didn’t really get to see much of the fashion show, though I was able to peek a bit at the top half of various outfits. I’ll probably get a better look once we’ve got us some pictures (and there were plenty of photographers on hand). I was relieved from my post once the fashion show was over, burlesque hosted by Murray Hill was about to start, and my gentleman friend had arrived. We joined Jane and a bunch of other friends and had some drinks – and I had one of those terrific moments, looking around at the people I love, who I gather strength from, for whom I’d do just about anything I could to make them happy. It was a good feeling, a feeling of being home – amongst partially clad women, two of my favorite pornographers, the ladies of $pread, and a big, diverse crowd out to support the cause. It was a strong thing for Jane to experience, to remember what can be – but the rest of the night with her was a bit rough. Back at my place, I tried to sit up with her for a few hours before her flight home, but I could barely stay awake. It’s so hard, because whether she is in my living room interrupting the flow of my life or in Texas there’s not a whole lot I can do but love her. And so the spiral opens and closes – good moments and bad.
Posted by Dacia at November 10, 2005 01:22 PM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.wakingvixen.com/cgi-bin/mt-tb.cgi/417
Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Spirals:
» nude college girls from Jane
sexy feet nude college girls college girls stripping co... [Read More]
Tracked on April 23, 2006 12:10 AM
» camel toe from Jane
camel toes college girl sexy feet college girl strip
[Read More]
Tracked on April 23, 2006 02:42 AM
Comments
Ah, nights of staring at the computer screen awaiting the inspiration that is so reluctant to surface: that brings back some memories. I’ve only been out of school for 2 years, but it seems like that was another life. But those anxious nerdy nights may not be far away as I contemplate entering graduate school in the fall.
Posted by: Balthazar B at November 10, 2005 02:58 PM
Dacia, reading this—and Jane’s concurrent recounting at Blue Haired Waitress—I was moved by the love you share with our sister.
I know it is a love that is challenging and not always easy to share.
I am proud of the ways you both find to love and care for one another, and to find the words to reflect on that.
Posted by: Jefferson at November 10, 2005 07:35 PM
