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Open
October 19, 2005
He says, “You can say anything you want to me. Ask me, and I’ll do anything you want.” He means: sex, life, bullshit, everything.
Given carte blanche, my dreams freeze.
This is what I want/ed, why is my tongue all a-tangle?
It is, partly, that I struggle to give voice to my desires – I am human after all, and afraid of rejection (say anything, he says and my voicebox croaks). But mostly it’s that, given the opportunity to be free, I don’t know what I want. Without taboos, without that fear of derisively being called a pervert by the person I want to do perverted things with, truly free, I draw a blank.
I want to get at and nurture the deepandtrue carnal nature within me, but suddenly I see that there are roadblocks, invisible and ludicrous ones in my head. I didn’t see them before, when I had to struggle to get my desires heard (nowhere near met). But now, that struggle dissipated, I feel as though I’m standing around, openempty handed. Almost not even desiring, because it’s too much to ask that I know what I want. But it isn’t – it’s just enough to ask, just enough to make my head spin. Spinning with possibility, not suggestion.
I’m not afraid to be shot down, my desires unquenched and mocked. Am I afraid to get what I want?
Posted by Dacia at October 19, 2005 12:12 PM
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Comments
Life is so wierd.
Posted by: ember at October 19, 2005 12:24 PM
One of the sickest tragedies of life, as Milan Kunera explores so well in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, is that we often don’t figure things out until it’s too late. But never stop asking the right questions, the hard questions as you do here.
Posted by: Balthazar B at October 19, 2005 01:19 PM
So often on the verge of succeeding in opening a door to some new opportunity or challenge, I notice that I feel excited, yet also dread and other ‘darker’ things. Then I ask the question you did at the end of your post and I discover that so often the answer is yes.
Posted by: van at October 19, 2005 02:37 PM
Read once that some Asian cultures encourage their people to devote years to the appreciation of longing, as opposed to fulfillment.
Seems like a definition of ‘hell’ to me, unrequited desire, but hey, can’t you make a fetish out of just about anything? Sometimes, you drink from the little bottle, and you’re on the other side of the looking glass.
Posted by: OK at October 19, 2005 02:41 PM
I think it’s an inate woman/human thing to want our desires to be fulfilled, but at the same time, to desire that someone else already know and be willing to fulfill those desires.
Oh what a tangled web.
Posted by: michelle at October 19, 2005 05:04 PM
A Buddhist saying comes to mind… What is more important: satisfying one thousand desires or conquering just one…
Posted by: Bob at October 19, 2005 05:20 PM
its clear you are afraid of rejection
Posted by: jg at October 19, 2005 06:28 PM
Honey go for it! Me, I am entering a period of non-monastic celibacy to end, who knows when. If you got some you are attracted to who is totally open to you, you are blessed…
Posted by: Sex Symbol at October 19, 2005 07:03 PM
