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All sex drives aren’t created equal (Ask Audacia 7)
October 17, 2005
Hi Dacia, I am writing to see what you would say to me about my wife. The problem is she is not as interested in sex as I am. I want to try new things in new places with some new people possibly and she is just a stick in the mud. It took and act of congress for me to get her to say “Fuck Me!” while we are having sex. I hope you get the point, anyway do you have any ideas that I can use to get more and more exciting sex with my wife????
Generally, the sexual activities of a couple default to the frequency desired by the person with the lower libido. In some cases, with lots of excellent communication, a compromise can be reached. You should check out a very excellent blog (though now discontinued) by a woman named Wendy, whose libido is very much higher than her husbands’; last winter, after many sexless years, they reached a compromise of scheduled sex nights several times a week.
The best advice I can give you – and it’s no quick fix, for certain – is that you should start to communicate about both of your needs and desires. Does your wife agree that the kind and amount of sex you’re having is indeed a problem? That is a very important question to answer; if she would like to be having more and more varied sex, perhaps you could both start by making three lists – I would never, I might, I want to. Be comprehensive, share them with each other, begin to talk it all over – and remember that everything doesn’t have to happen right away, you’ve got your whole lives to explore together. If, however, she isn’t interested in having more and more varied encounters, then you need to start discussing ways to compromise, not ways to make her exactly like you. Neither of you should outright do things you don’t want to do, but perhaps if you’ll agree to do her some favors (sexual or otherwise), she’ll indulge you in some of your kinks. Again, it’s crucial that neither of you feels pressured, manipulated or coerced into doing things that aren’t fun or are outside of the comfort zone.
Although I won’t say that sex is a total deal breaker for every libido or kink mismatched couple – I am saying that sexual values and desires should be an important part of assessing partner compatibility. Of course this isn’t a huge amount of help if you’re already committed to someone, but I do think it’s an important thing for people to consider as they are getting to know potential partners. My friend Amber wrote about this a while back, to the sound of much commotion in her comments section (does commotion have a sound? By golly, yes). For both Amber and I – sexual and libido compatibility is a huge and central issue in dating. When I was younger and more prone to believing sex negative bullshit, I was told on many occasions that sex really wasn’t that important in the scheme of things, and it was ok if I was having bad sex in a long term relationship, because other things were more important. Fuck that noise: for me, at least, sex is an important issue. If it is for you as well, it is worth addressing – but it’s also important to weigh this issue against many other issues.
Posted by Dacia at October 17, 2005 02:24 PM
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Comments
Excellent advice, Dacia. This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. It’s one of the most complicated issues in a relationship, but I agree that it’s also one of the most important.
Posted by: Balthazar B at October 17, 2005 04:20 PM
hey Dacia thanks that was me u were answering I just need to keep working things out.
Posted by: john at October 17, 2005 04:35 PM
Hi Dacia, this editorial bears some resemblance to my own marriage, where my sex drive is VERY much higher than my wife’s and she has had lingering back/neck pain from a car accident several years ago. I knew this when we dated, but it did force our sex frequency to mirror her schedule, when she felt best physically for action. This has caused its share of hurt feelings, arguments and misunderstandings, but I think we have slowly improved the communication and whenever we do actually have sex (usually only twice a month) we both tend to have great time. I have learned to me more open about what I like, though the downside is she never really has developed her own sexual fantasies or a “Want To” list, so this has also made it feel one-sided at times…
Posted by: Brian at October 17, 2005 05:27 PM
Oh god, this reminds me of my first serious relationship, unfortunetly neither of us were able to work things out. My case was unfortunetly very extreme. My boyfriend constantly wanted sex (at least 3 times a day if possible) and if I wasn’t in the mood for whatever reason he would get personally offended. He would feel like I wasn’t attracted to him and then I would feel like I was being guilted into sex. So it was just a very bad cycle that led me never really wanting to have sex. Had we both tried to talk things out or gotten therapy it could have worked. Communication is important for every aspect of a relationship. There might be other issues going on other than just a low sex drive.
Posted by: Leila at October 25, 2005 10:59 PM
