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Just jump
October 04, 2005
Will I or won’t I? I wondered this morning (ok, afternoon, it was 12.30 pm, but I’d only been awake for two hours, so still morning for me) as I took the subway into Manhattan to meet my parents for lunch. After starting to go through the old motions of obsessing and list-making and trying to write a pouring out of heart letter to my parents, I decided to fucking chill out and see what happens, what I felt like doing. No plan, no script. All preparation.
I’ve been thinking a lot over the last few days about the comments and emails I’ve been getting from you, my valued readers. I was hell bent on plunging in full force, telling all, perhaps in letter form – really a full frontal assault. As I thought about it more, I realized I could do this in a less obnoxious, selfishly driven way. I decided to open up this part of my life to discussion slowly, let them ask questions about things they wanted to know about but not shove any information down their throats, and not lie if they asked tough questions. It will be a coming out process, not a moment in time, a thing I can brush off my hands after one conversation and say – well, that’s done. It will be a journey, like everything. And parts of it will likely be difficult and ugly.
We sat, we ordered food, and as always, my parents asked what I’ve been up to, and I told them that actually, that’s something I wanted to talk to them about (fuck it, I’m doing this). My mom got an uh-oh look on her face and asked, “Oh no. That phrase makes me uneasy. Only scandalous things can come next.” I assured her that, yes, I was going to say something scandalous. Deep breath and out with it, same thing I told my brother: dirty sex writing about my own sex life, naked modeling, $pread magazine, pieces in upcoming books, all very dirty and very personal.
“That’s terrific!” my dad exclaimed without any hesitation.
“It is?”
“Yeah, we’re so relieved that you’re working on something! We were starting to worry, it seemed like you were just drifting along aimlessly.”
“A book?” my mom asked, smiling broadly.
“Yeah, I have a piece called “My First Fetish” in a book called Everything You Know About Sex is Wrong, and its out this month. I have other stuff in the works too.”
“I want to read it all,” my dad said decisively.
“Well, a lot of it is pretty dirty. And did I mention it’s about my personal sex life? Cuz it is.”
“Yeah, well, if you’re exposing yourself to the public like that,” he chuckled a bit at his use of the word ‘exposing,’ “I’m the public, so I get to read it. Right?” He looked to my mom for confirmation. She looked much less certain about this than my dad.
“How dirty are we talking here?” she wanted to know.
“Ehhh, lesbian fisting? Fetishes and lots of sex. Detailed and sexy descriptions.” Phrases most people will never hear from their daughter.
“I see,” my mom said thoughtfully. My dad was still looking pretty damned enthused.
“And what about the modeling?” mom wanted to know.
“Well, it’s erotic – so fully naked, sometimes explicit.”
“Do you like it?”
“Yes, very much.”
She nodded.
My dad got his evil look on his face and said, “We can send clippings and pictures to your aunt! She’d love that!” His sister is very conservative, very Roman Catholic, and would probably faint. My dad is always eager to ruffle everyone’s feathers, which probably explains his glee about my revelation.
I told them more about $pread, about activism within the sex industry, about networks of brilliant and supportive people, about the opportunities and happiness this has provided me with on so many levels, about my passion for both the high-minded and the sleaze, about my place in all that. They listened intently - getting it, I think.
My mom wanted to know how I’d been getting so much attention and published pieces and I told her that my website has a lot to do with it. “What kind of website are we talking about here?” she asked, her eyes narrowing. I told her it’s a blog with a fairly extensive, but free, web gallery. She wanted to know if she could see the site, and I quickly said no, not right now, thinking of all I’ve been writing about lately. Lately? Try always.
I don’t want to be secretive, but I want to have a little bit of privacy. Is it insane to even think about privacy now, when I’ve begun to shape my life around openness, honesty and invasion of what most people would consider privacy, making the personal professional? Beyond that, at this point I want to create the space for conversations and questions, not my parents getting intimate with my life through my blog, though I suppose I have to be prepared for that if that’s the direction they take this. The worst case scenario, I suppose, is that they start to read my blog and I have to deal, right now and right away, with all the questions that come up as a result. That’s something I’ve thought about, and something I can manage, though I’d like to see it go down a little differently. Like I said, a process. I’ve taken the first leap.
Posted by Dacia at October 4, 2005 04:50 PM
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Comments
BRAVO, BRAVO!! (My pom poms are waving as we speak). You did SUCH a fabulous job at being honest and open. I’ve been keeping up with your blog for awhile now, and I must say that I applaud you in every way for being open about your life, and about where your going, and taking life as it comes. That’s awesome. :-) ~Lexie~
Posted by: Lexie at October 4, 2005 05:23 PM
Your parents listened and made an attempt to understand! You lucky. Mine are still keep their eyes shut, though I am in business for 16(!) years and there’s no way to hide it for so many ears. Feel a bit isolated.
Posted by: Julia161 at October 4, 2005 06:16 PM
CONGRADULATIONS! I, too, am beaming right now. I think all of you folks handled it really well. This seems like an excellent place to be in right now - they know what you’re up to, and you haven’t told them so much as to make them (well, mainly your mom it seems) terribly uncomfortable. If you need/want to tell them even more you’ve laid the groundwork for it, and can watch this batch of information and how it develops to judge what their future reactions might be. Again, congradulations Dacia. You seem to have awesome parents and they, in turn, have an awesome daughter.
Posted by: Lioness at October 4, 2005 07:50 PM
Well, I have to give you a lot of credit - and your parents too actually as they seem way more understanding than most would be. You should get yourself a shirt that reads BOMB SQUAD because truthfully this is something that could have easily blown up on you and it seems like you handled everything with an incredible deftness and skill. I stand awed by your diplomacy.
Posted by: mister_pj at October 4, 2005 08:59 PM
Remarkable story. Great job. And your parents sound pretty amazing and obviously trust you. I hope I can muster that kind of trust in my kids when they’re grown. [gander]
Posted by: Gander at October 4, 2005 11:18 PM
A great development. You must have the coolest parents too. But I’m glad you went with the ‘modified limited hangout’ for the moment. You can build on it or keep a bit of it private, but their reaction is priceless. ‘Gee we thought you must be an aimless kid’ ‘cause like we did’nt know that you were doing anything productive’. Just damn priceless. I’d be real cautious about revealing the blog to them, but it’s good that they’ve made it this far already. They need not know all of your ‘secret selves’ to be clued into most of what you are doing and becoming. And that’s something important to remember. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
Posted by: VJ at October 5, 2005 02:14 AM
Congratulations on telling them! Your dad sounds just the person you needed to tell, and, from his reaction, you’ve already got him on your side. Either that, or he’ll be sitting you down for a similar chat at some point…
Posted by: IIB at October 5, 2005 04:43 AM
Wow…wow..wow. How brave you are that you took the plunge and have started to share this information about yourself, and knowing what not to share.
Blessings to your parents to at least hear what you’re saying, with what seemes like open minds and hearts (to me).
Posted by: Viviane at October 5, 2005 07:30 AM
I’m so impressed! You put yourself out there and in movie-style fashion, received acceptance! Well done.
Posted by: Kelly at October 5, 2005 08:15 AM
Wow… You are now by far the coolest, bravest and definitely most unique person I “know”. (Not like this is saying much, but wow.. light years beyond anyone else I know. :-) ) Congratulations on being yourself. It’s a lot tougher than it looks (but you make it look good…).
Posted by: Will at October 5, 2005 01:15 PM
Ever since this bee took hold in your bonnet, it’s only been a matter of time.
I’m glad it went well. And it’s fine that you hold back the website, or anything else you choose. Being honest doesn’t mean you have to offer every single solitary detail.
Now, tell me: was your timing in any way connected to the publication of the annual ‘sex issue” of Time Out New York, sure to catch your smutty papa’s eyes?
Because if he opened it, the photo of his daughter is also likely to have caught his eye.
Posted by: Jefferson at October 5, 2005 01:56 PM
Too bad my parents didn’t support me when I was being prostituted, so bully for you for not only selling yourself for mad dough but encouraging others to do it too. That’s empowerment I tell ya. All the sexiest feminists are pimpin’ these days.
Posted by: Crandall at October 6, 2005 04:28 PM
