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Outside the box*
September 20, 2005
The number one thing I love about sexuality is its ability to be fluid and ever-changing. Me and my desires, we’re on a life-long journey together. Sometimes I don’t know where I am or where I’m going, but I take comfort in knowing that even if there isn’t a new sex act under the sun, there’s plenty of stuff for me to try on for size.
It’s not just about having a checklist of stuff I’d like to try, however. It’s more about developing a playstyle and set of fulfillable desires that can carry me to new heights (or depths). You see, sometimes I am guilty of having a very teenage-boy focus on partnered sex: put tab a into slot b and hump away! Often I’m just not that interested in the whole foreplay business, especially cunnilingus – I really want to make with the fucking.
But since the unsettling genital injury at the beginning of the summer and the onset of my xxxtreme singleness, I’ve begun to ponder a different side of my sexuality. Ok ok, in some ways that’s code for “excessive masturbation.” But in addition to that, I’ve been thinking a lot about different approaches to my sexuality, some of which are non-genital, or at least not primarily genital.
I’ve never really been one for BDSM-type play, mostly because I just don’t really imagine the whole top-bottom, dom-sub dynamic fitting into my life or me fitting into the dichotomy in any way. It’s possible that I haven’t discovered or gotten in touch with the parts of myself that would be into that, but it’s also pretty likely that I’m just not built for dichotomies, even in playspace.
However, there are things traditionally associated with BDSM that I’d like to try out – mostly sensation play, a little play piercing, maybe some electrical play, and who knows what else. I’m interested in the experience of the body, pushing my physical limits to get somewhere else, move beyond the experience, to the other side, living through it. When I got tattooed a few years ago, I really loved the experience, the getting through it, being there and feeling what I was feeling, even though in many ways the feeling itself kinda sucked. A lot of this isn’t directly erotic, which is probably a pretty important distinction to make, but it shares the physicality of the eroticism I so enjoy, so they seemed linked to me.
The catch is that I don’t really feel like I’m all set to go out into the world seeking those particular experiences as experiences. While there are things that I’d like to incorporate into my life, who I do them with is pretty damned important, probably even more so than the acts themselves.
*Wow, a title with an obvious pun AND a buzz phrase. What will I think of next?
Posted by Dacia at September 20, 2005 02:33 AM
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Comments
I so agree with you!! Even more if you include BDSM plays… I’m amazed by the amount of women going on blind date with this kind of encounter in mind!!! For the sensory plays… I love feeling the knife on my skin, on sensitive parts… but only my partner and love have the priviledge to give me those sensations… Another very intense and intimate sensation for me is being fisted… but one more time, I wouldn’t let no one else than Him penetring me so deeply…
Posted by: SeaRabbit at September 20, 2005 04:06 AM
I’ve been suprised at how un-dichotomous BDSM play can be, once you get away from the dom/sub model. In many contexts it becomes give/experience, and then switch.
Posted by: ember at September 20, 2005 12:43 PM
You might try wandering into a BDSM discussion group and just talking to people for a while. If you don’t know of any, drop me a line and I’ll suggest some.
Posted by: Josh Jasper at September 20, 2005 06:34 PM
We don’t do top/bottom either. Really it’s just a matter of who’s less lazy.
Piercing or painful experiences would be a great way to bond with that certain special person, but then you’ve set a greater stake on the experience, and by waiting, may be denying yourself the chance to get good at it first?
Posted by: Brett at September 21, 2005 09:59 AM
I got into s/m for the physical experiences. I knew I liked being swatted on the ass, found other things intriguing, and started playing on stage at the only goth/BDSM club in town. Figured I could bottom pretty well, but no way was I submissive.
I have found a sub side of myself with my boyfriend, though I was topping him for the first few years we were together. I’m not that into D/S either. I’m currently in a poly triad relationship, two girls, one boy, all bisexual, all switches. The permutations are endless.
In fact, most of my BDSM forays have not been about sex at all. While with my boyfriend, I’ve had a series of male tops in my life who have all fulfilled different roles and taught me new things about myself and my sexuality. There was the cool, loner Bondage top with a homemade dungeon; the older ex-airforce cop into piercing, knives, and fire; there was the fiercely sadistic whipping top who pushed me hard physically. I usually only mix sex and s/m with my partners.
I like that you can make it all up to suit you. Take care.
Posted by: Jennifer at September 21, 2005 08:32 PM
