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Taking sides
September 11, 2005
On Thursday night, I had the good fortune to run into a girl I’d had a threesome with once upon a time. You know how it is – go to erotic art opening, run into past lover, have luck remembering her name as well as the name of her partner (damn, I’m good). She’s a few years younger than me, and was just starting to enter the sexual discovery phase when I last saw her (naked). I wasn’t especially surprised to learn that she’s now a stripper – ah, sex work, a third wave feminist merit badge. We went out to drinks, and she started talking about the club she works in and her interactions with and opinions of her customers.
She talked about her clients, who she referred to as generally being “creepy” and “older,” code words for “other” – not of her world. I definitely identify with this in many ways – clients often want a taste of the wild life a sex worker leads, the look and feel of young flesh is a dude-magnet in general, and especially if you have funny hair, tattoos or piercings the fantasies abound. But I felt her making another othering leap as she stereotyped her customers – she saw them as men out there, men who are not her boyfriend/brother/friend/father.
This is a challenging thing to wrap one’s head around, because when working in the sex industry, it’s nice to be able to step out of it. But to assume that men one is close to do not engage in the client role in the sex industry is probably a little naïve. I’m not saying that every man is knee deep in sex-for-hire or porn watching or whatever, but many are. It’s a tough thing. If I were to date a man who denied partaking in these indulgences from time to time, I’d probably be skeptical. At the same time, I can see how it would be nice and comforting to see a boyfriend as not one of those guys, as a good guy, not a creepy one.
But clients don’t spend all their time identifying and acting as clients; nor do sex workers spend all their time as sex workers (this is, incidentally, why the concept of sex workers as a risk group for STIs is full of holes). This creates a whole strange flow of sexual meanings and doings; the line between the two is drawn so that there are so many more than two ways to be.
Posted by Dacia at September 11, 2005 11:43 PM
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Comments
I wonder, what are the implications of thinking that doing sex work is a-ok but that consuming it somehow isn’t? That need to separate out oneself from clients maybe comes from the difficulty (impossibility?) of truly and fully rejecting the pervasive cultural taboos around sexuality and strict rules of “appropriateness.” That visceral feeling of “creepy” must come from that, at least in part…. I also liked this comment you made: “clients don’t spend all their time identifying and acting as clients; nor do sex workers spend all their time as sex workers.” It made me think about how both are often performing within certain cultrally pre-defined roles.
Posted by: amy at September 12, 2005 01:14 AM
In a way I think it has to do with the old adage “a sucker is born every minute;” often the things that sex workers are paid for don’t seem very sexy, interesting or even sexual to the worker. There’s a definite undercurrent of “if you were a real man you could get this for free” in the whole business as well. Tough to shake.
Posted by: Dacia at September 12, 2005 09:23 AM
It might just be me, but someone who has a large amount of contempt for his or her customers, sex worker or no, probably has a large anount of contempt for almost everyone. I’ve found that to be true in retail and customer service for certain.
Posted by: Josh Jasper at September 12, 2005 07:08 PM
Interestingly, I have a large amount of contempt for almost everyone, but very little for my customers.
Posted by: Dacia at September 12, 2005 07:59 PM
I’d find it draining to have such a constant low opinion of most people. Plus, I’d have to have contempt for myself as well.
Posted by: Josh Jasper at September 12, 2005 11:05 PM
It seems to me the bigest difference between you and this other gal is that I think you tend to like both people and sex. I also think that you want to give your customers value and not just use them as a meal ticket.
Posted by: bilbo at September 13, 2005 10:17 AM
this is a bit off mark, but i love the fact that my boyfriend has nothing to do with porn or the porn industry. i thought it was weird at first, but now, i’m so thankful. it’s a relief to come home and not deal with any porn - unless it’s solamente me.
Posted by: charges at September 13, 2005 05:19 PM
A related story:
A young lady this evening related a crush she had on an exotic dancer. I have known her for several years and she’s not the type to fall easily for someone. But then immediately she distances herself from that describing the dancer in several unkind epitaphs about her looks, her sexual habits, and finally her genitalia.
This came about from describing a crush that I have on a mutual friend of ours.
It seems that we are afraid to stand firm in our affections; and that suspension of belief that we have for those few moments with either exotic dancing or sex work should be admonished, even to ourselves.
Sorry for the big words.
Posted by: James at September 18, 2005 12:12 AM
