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Solo project
August 31, 2005
During the Q&A period after my talk on Monday, people were really interested in my take on intimate relationships in my own life. Some of the questions were asked kindly and with genuine interest, but some had the pall of judgment and misunderstanding over them. Any way you cut it, I do like answering questions, even if they are framed strangely.
One woman had a lot of questions, questions that I probably should’ve taken apart at the roots instead of just trying to answer in a way that she could relate to, but I chose not to go the heavy deconstruction route.
“What would you do if you met the man of your dreams right now who was going to take care of you, who would let you be yourself but didn’t want you to have sex with other men?”
I stammered a bit and ended up starting my answer off with, “I don’t think that will happen.” It won’t happen because I don’t want to be taken care of, and because I wouldn’t want to be with someone who required me to alter a significant part of myself – that person described in the question is not the man of my dreams (and anyway, the person of my dreams might not even be a man). If I’m going to embark on a serious relationship, I want to be in one that sets me free, not one where I need to realign my behavior to fit within the bounds of what someone else deems acceptable. Well, alright, that sounds a little too self-righteous, but the point is that I want to learn how to make compromises with someone without feeling compromised. I don’t know how to do that yet. I’m still sorting out my shit and occupying a space that is perhaps self-centered to an extreme, but I think its all part of the building blocks to where I want to go.
Another woman asked: “Do you think that choosing the path you’re taking has limited your options for a romantic relationship? Would you tell a potential partner about your past?”
The short answer to that is – yes, I am limiting my options. And yes, I will tell any potential partner anything they want to know – it’s not like I can really keep secrets anyway, with this here blog, pieces written elsewhere, and a growing body of photographic evidence of my tartiness. But in a more expansive way, who I am isn’t limiting my options – only refining them. It’s all a matter of the linguistic wiggle you give to that thought, I suppose. The thing is, even if I stop doing what I do (what with the casual sex and the sex work and the modeling and writing), I still am who I am; anyone I would involve myself with needs to be not just comfortable with that, but genuinely supportive and enthused about it. I’m trying really hard not to see myself as a liability – I don’t want to make excuses for myself or act like I have insurmountable baggage. The stuff I come with is complicated, true, but I’m also proud of it and of myself.
Later, while discussing the relationship questions in a conversation with my upstairs neighbor, she said “The thing is, you’re not so much single, as solo.” I quite like that distinction. I’m not sure what my intimate relationships will look like going forward, or even what I want them to look like, but fielding these questions, along with the thinking I’ve been doing lately makes me realize that I’m in a good place with all this. Going solo is a useful and potentially powerful thing for me right now.
Posted by Dacia at August 31, 2005 12:44 PM
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Comments
I like that linguistic wiggle between limiting yourself and refining your choices. I agree - a person (or persons) of my dreams would have to be someone that would like ALL the parts of me —> thus my dream-being. I understand that relationships take compromise and work, but there are some things that are non-negotiable. If someone wants me to change they’d better have a DAMN fine reason for that, and it’d best be better than “because I’d like you more like that”. Also groovin’ on the single v. solo. Plus, going solo has a masturbatory edge to that, and melikes.
Posted by: Lioness at August 31, 2005 06:20 PM
I don’t see why limitting one’s options gets such a bad press. I mean, everyone does it. Anyone who will only date men or only women ir cutting their options in half. If you’re not willing to form relationships with people above or below given ages then that’s even fewer options available to you. Personally, there are vast swathes of the population that I’m not remotely interested in, and limitting my options only to those who I am interested in seems like a positive move to me. Which is to say, essentially, that I agree with you.
Posted by: rho at August 31, 2005 08:15 PM
I think what the woman who asked the second question failed to realize is that everyone chooses a path and thus, everyone limits (or refines) their options for a romantic relationship.
Suppose this woman was a born-again Christian who believed that homosexuality is a sin, smoking marijuana is the work of the devil, etc, etc. She’s likely to limit her options for a romantic relationship to people who tend to agree with those viewpoints. It’s highly unlikely that she will find, fall in love with, and marry a free-loving hippe who smokes weed and has a best friend who happens to be a lesbian.
Everyone refines, it’s not a bad thing, it’s a human thing. Finally, as a single man, I like the solo idea. Heck of a way to look at it.
Posted by: Eric at August 31, 2005 10:42 PM
“When yer flyin’ solo, nobody gets hurt, baby!” -Phil Hartman as Frank Sinatra, SNL
Posted by: Todd at September 1, 2005 01:02 AM
Nightmares are dreams too…
The odd bit is that if the person really was “the man of your dreams” would that dream not also - at a very primal level - accept you for exactly who you are?
On the subject of limiting ones options, it should also be noted that one also limits ones options by eliminating the closeminded and the assholier than thou from one’s dating pool.
Life is too short to settle. …too long for it as well…
Posted by: algor_langeaux at September 1, 2005 06:30 PM
Algor: I thought that was odd as well. I mean, the “man of her dreams” should be someone who fits well with her, not like some fantasy novel where she drinks a love potion and falls head over heels for some generic man.
For that matter, why no woman of her dreams?
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