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Warts and all
August 28, 2005
This morning I battled the goddamned weekend subway service armed with five pairs of shoes (the kind with perfectly clean soles that have never ventured into the out-of-doors) and a bunch of outfits to a group shoot in Manhattan. Although there was a little bit of bondage happening at the shoot, it was otherwise devoid of, ahem, the pornographic element. The theme of the shoot was sexy and fetishy photography; the models mostly had a lot more limits than I do (also known as the common decency not to stand absent-mindly naked in front of an open window on the second floor of a building in Manhattan). It was really interesting to be in the midst of a group of models and photographers, the swirl, the hype, the putting-on of airs.
Being in the dressing room really made me pause to think and remember that unless you’re talking about runway and high fashion modeling, for which models have to be lanky genetic freaks to do well, pretty much anyone can be a model. Especially if you carve out a bit of a niche for yourself and capitalize on what makes you unique, you can do pretty nicely. Seeing models in the flesh also made me remember that there are a lot of leaps made between the as-is girl and the finished product: makeup, lighting and photoshop – a magical threesome if there ever was one. Certainly I’m transformed a bit from my as-is self to the finished photographic product, though I do try to resist this as much as is reasonable (an overwhelming majority of images in my portfolio remain untouched by photoshop). I was surprised that I really didn’t recognize a lot of the models from their online portfolios, which are often pretty glammed up. Though that might be the fault of the gap between image and reality, it might also have been in my own head, my own assumption that “model” means “hotter than me.” It’s moments like these that make me realize that I still haven’t fucking shaken dumb and wrong-headed perceptions of myself as not awesome.
Anyway, though the aforementioned triple threat can help make pretty pictures, there are things that makeup, lighting and post-production just cannot do. They cannot produce an expression or a pose or a feeling in the picture. While there are times when I can nail that, there are lots of times when I’m just missing it. A big part of the reason for this is because despite my outlandish lifestyle, I live very much in my own head and within my own body. Though I’m an exhibitionist, I don’t act upon my sexuality solely for the benefit of others. The sexuality I experience in my mind (and in my cunt) is difficult to put into a facial expression in a non-sexual situation. It feels – and is – artificial. I haven’t yet figured out a way to perfectly channel my sexuality into images of me. Beyond that, creating unity between body and brain is a real humdinger of a problem. Hopefully when I figure that one out I’ll be able to bottle it and get crazy rich.
Posted by Dacia at August 28, 2005 11:23 PM
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Comments
So, THAT’S what you were doing with all that luggage on the subway! I was thinking “Back from another weekend with the ‘rents?” It was so great to see you, in more ways than I expressed before having to jump out the door. In other words, you looked damn hot. The summer away did nice things to your skin, your smile, and a buncha other things. Good luck tonight!
Posted by: Todd at August 29, 2005 09:48 AM
When I auditioned for a mainstream Hollywood movie I realized much the same thing about myself. It was a struggle to ooze sex in the very non-sexy audition process. My brain and body just were not in sync or the atmosphere was stronger than I was. I can act if I am in control of the role and the project. If I have some input into it. If it resonates with me. But truth be told I am not an actress.
Posted by: Seska at August 31, 2005 09:04 AM
If wishes were horses, beggars might ride… Garret
Posted by: Garret at November 29, 2006 05:58 AM
