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Hands-on training
August 24, 2005
I’m a demanding sexual partner on a number of levels. Basically, I’m a bit of a sex snob. Although of course I accept and respect the fact that most people don’t spend as much time thinking about sex (at least, not in a professional capacity) or talking to other people about sex lives as I do, there’s a basic level of competence I expect from my partners that includes knowledge of anatomy, safer sex practices and materials, well-directed enthusiasm and skill, and communication skills (including the ability to tactfully give or receive criticism). I’m the kind of snob who doesn’t understand why people accept less (annoying, right?).
It’s been suggested to me on a number of occasions that if I am so particular about the skills of my partners, I should be more than willing to teach them my evil ways. Well, I’m not. I know, this needs some elaboration. While I’m happy to give directions as to the keys to my particular predilections and buttons and all, I don’t really have a desire to give a partner a thorough education in fuckery. It’s just too much responsibility, and it creates a peculiar imbalance in power within the sexual relationship. Teaching specific skills (like fisting) can be totally hot, but turning the whole arena of sex into a classroom just sucks. Looking back at that sentence, I chuckled to myself a bit and thought, shit, turning the arena of sex into a classroom is what I strive to do professionally in many ways, so what’s the big deal.
The big deal is this – I used to compulsively put my own needs and desires on the back burner and take care of other people all the time, often at great cost of sanity for me. In the past few years, I’ve done some shuffling of things so that much of my urge to help and support people is expressed professionally and doesn’t eke its way into my personal relationships. Of course there remains the risk of becoming too guarded, something I’m very much on the alert for. It’s interesting (and I think commendable) that I’ve gotten to this place where I can “just say no” to giving too much of myself and putting myself in situations where the energy flows in one direction – out of me. It’s tough to create boundaries when you’re trying to break down cultural boundaries – and I know some of the boundaries I have may not make perfect sense to other people, but I need them to make sense of my world (and stay sane).
Posted by Dacia at August 24, 2005 04:30 PM
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Comments
What things do you like that most people seem to need an education in? Me, I like fairly common kinks like biting, spanking, light choking, pinching, and punching.
Posted by: Josh Jasper at August 24, 2005 09:49 PM
Perhaps you should conduct pre-coital interviews.
Yes, I’m totally serious.
-G
Posted by: GarrisonSteelle at August 25, 2005 08:42 AM
Congratz for being stong enough to break cultural bounderies and keep your own.
Posted by: Josh at August 25, 2005 04:27 PM
“The big deal is this – I used to compulsively put my own needs and desires on the back burner and take care of other people all the time…”
That’s all you had to say, Dacia. It makes perfect sense. After a certain point it must be like bringing work home with you or something.
Take care,
figleaf
Posted by: figleaf at August 26, 2005 01:20 PM
Gosh, never apologize for not wanting to teach somebody the full set of ropes. He or she should be sufficiently perceptive to discover what makes you soar. I just discovered you a day or two ago and I love how you fly in what I’ve come to learn of you thus far.
Posted by: Joe at August 26, 2005 03:58 PM
Josh Jasper - the thing is, I’m not even especially into anything kinky or elaborate. Its just that a lot of people are either bad at sex, or assume they are.
Garrison - I try to do pre-coital interviews, but sometimes you just gotta try it out and see what.
Posted by: Dacia at August 26, 2005 10:07 PM
The Rolling Stones cancel a gig in Hawaii and postpone other tour dates as Mick Jagger suffers throat troubles…
Posted by: Ulysses Dennis at November 12, 2006 03:53 PM
