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Adjusting
August 18, 2005
Yesterday, between flights (an early morning one from Prague to Amsterdam and an evening one from Amsterdam to NYC), I wandered the streets of Amsterdam, snacking on glorious pommes frites and harsh Dutch licorice, fantasizing about prolonging my stay in Europe. Although I was definitely ready to quit with the sleeping on foam mattresses in hostels and showering in narrow spaces with weird hose contraptions, I wasn’t hungry for New York. I’ve never been away from New York for this long; I’ve never loathed returning like this. Though it’s a big hypothetical, I think that if I didn’t have my master’s degree to complete, I might not return. I’ve always though of New York as home – inextricably a part of me and my sense of belonging. As much of a New York snob as I am (I live in the greatest city in the world, in case you didn’t know), I ponder the different ways I could shape my life, the places I could shape it in.
If last year’s trip to Europe didn’t do it, this year sealed the deal – I feel the wanderlust awakened in me, and I dream of fellowships and projects around the world. Mostly I dream of ways to challenge myself and stretch the limits of possibility; I don’t want to be complacent, I don’t want to make assumptions about the path of my future, I want to shake it up, constantly reassess what the fuck is going on. Since I’m lousy at living an unexamined life, this shouldn’t be a problem, but it’s good to stay on my toes.
But as the unmarked cab I hailed wove expertly through Brooklyn, and the driver and I discussed routes like philosophy of being, I smiled at the pulses of this city. There are quiet little changes: the new street light in my neighborhood, and static things remembered: the special way to bump the front door to my building shut. The next year should be interesting, as I deal with the familiar and the unknown, move through the rest of my master’s program, and sort some shit out.
Despite my mixed feelings, I am relieved to be home. Last night it felt really great to shed my clothes and leave them shed, to lounge naked in my very own bed, in the quiet of my apartment. I’m not entirely ready to face the social worlds of New York yet, so I’m attacking the clutter of my apartment, eliminating lingering wardrobe items and adjusting my brain, returning emails and scheduling my weeks before school starts again, eating my favorite New York foods, lounging in my underwear.
Posted by Dacia at August 18, 2005 11:40 AM
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Comments
Welcome back to America!
Posted by: MrsLunatic at August 18, 2005 12:00 PM
Glad to hear you are home safe and sound.
Posted by: Wendy at August 18, 2005 03:30 PM
ahhh lounging in underwear…few things are as simple a pleasure.
Posted by: nhcareyjr at August 18, 2005 03:43 PM
Licorice! Mmmmmmm…
I am so glad you are home safe and relatively happy. Chill out… it will take you about a week to fully shake the jet lag. Get in touch when you can… lots to talk about I’m sure.
Licorice!!!
Posted by: Todd at August 18, 2005 04:21 PM
Welcome back! Your bourbon is poured, my ears at the ready.
Posted by: Jefferson at August 18, 2005 07:59 PM
Welcome back sweetie. I often feel that way when it comes time to return home. I get comfortable wherever I am and want to see what adventures it holds if only I could stay a little longer. sigh But I always have to come back.
Posted by: Nadia at August 18, 2005 09:31 PM
Move to [insert the name of my fabulous city here]! You sure would like the weather better. :)
Glad to hear you’re safely back stateside… there’s nothing quite like climbing into your own bed after being away on a trip. Sounds like your European adventure was freakin’ awesome, and I can’t wait to discuss it in person in just over a week. :)
Posted by: Belle at August 18, 2005 09:52 PM
Welcome home!!! How was the cannibus?
Posted by: christopher at August 18, 2005 10:16 PM
