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Into/out of
July 24, 2005
Today I did something that I haven’t done in more than a month - I took (some of) my clothes off in front of other people.
I woke up this morning not sure how and if I could survive the day, whether doing a photo shoot would help me to move along, or if it would remind me what a bad spot I’m in. I took a deep breath, remembered that I’d have the support and presence of two women from my cohort here at the summer institute, packed my bags, and boarded a train for Nijmegen.
It was good - really good. As soon as I rolled my knee high fishnets on, stepped into my (gold!) high heels and carefully smeared shiny red lipstick on my lips - I felt at home. I’d been afraid I’d feel put upon, contained by my “sexy” outfit in the way I’ve struggled against myself and my sexuality lately - but I didn’t. I let myself get into it as I rolled on the floor and made jokes that the less comfortable the pose, the better the resulting image. I felt channeled, comfortable - and not just that, but experimental too.
Recently I’ve begun to grow tired of the sexy glamour-style posing that I see on so many model’s portfolios (mine included). Whether the model is mainstream or alternative, it seems that the sexy pose is absolutely necessary for any portfolio. I’ve found this tiring, partly because it doesn’t really represent my sexuality, in fact that posturing misrepresents my sexuality, makes it something else, feeds the “this is what it is to be sexy” demons. It’s good to push my limits, my understand of my body and my sexuality, and I can do that in relative safety and without putting myself in (ahem) compromising positions. Today I did that in photos with splayed limbs, pushing unflattering angles until they became interesting and flattering all over again. I went to a different place with my body, a place I haven’t been in a while - a place of feeling my oats, following my flesh.
So maybe I do believe in the power of sex and my own body as agents of healing, even though recently I’ve felt like I’m a prisoner of my sexuality and the body I inhabit. I guess its only a prison if I believe it is.
Posted by Dacia at July 24, 2005 05:34 PM
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Comments
You like like Olivia Newton John in Grease, after she stops being such a goody two shoes. :)
Posted by: Belle at July 24, 2005 09:30 PM
That’s really got an album cover quality to it. A good one, too. Makes me wonder what the music that goes with it is like. :)
The unusual posing really does project an individuality rather than the omnipresent generic fucktoy kind of stuff. Mind you, so does much of the portfolio on your site. But this does it in a minimalist kind of way… no rabbits with fangs to make it jump out at you. And while those shoots have that alt-porn kind of quality that comes out, this photo doesn’t explain itself as anything. I really like that about it. I think most photography is more craft than art, but I think you’ve done something very cool in the role of model that pushes it into the latter. That doesn’t happen often.
Posted by: Vince at July 24, 2005 10:07 PM
