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Recalibrating my sexuality
July 17, 2005
As I started to write about a bit in Switched off last week, I’m experiencing a bit of a change in how I wear, present, and make accessible my sexuality. Certainly some of it is very temporary stuff, but I also feel things shifting inside me. It’s been a bit of a relief to desex the sexified, and I’ve sort of curled into a non-sexual shell. Getting spare moments to think about everything that’s happened this spring has really made me feel like withdrawing from the sex I have and make with others.
And here comes the darkness, the stuff I wasn’t sure I’d want to or be able to write about. This started out as a long, depressing list on my desktop, wryly titled “how to become a girl with issues,” but it’s morphed into something a little different, more contextualized.
This spring I have had more bad and disappointing sex than I’ve had in a very long time. I’m not just talking furtive moments with casual partners in which I’ve thought “what was the point of that?” - I’m talking issues around sex that have made me feel awful to the core of my sexual being, things that don’t have answers or simple solutions, and situations that have left me ashamed that I, the supposed bastion of good times sex, am having trouble.
It started to brew in the cold months, when I was having trouble connecting sexually with my two partners at the time. The boy told me I was insatiable and that was a bad thing because it made sex with me kind of pointless; the girl had also been told she was insatiable in a bad way, yet somehow we couldn’t get our sexualities to connect on a carnal level. Long-time readers may recall that the first sex I had this year was on camera, with Benny Profane.
Though I’d been maintaining several casual sex relationships while I was in my two relationships and going to sex parties with and without my partners, the meaning of all that shifted a bit when I no longer had regular sex partners (though they were really only regular in concept, not in practice). Being on the prowl and then having familiar beds to crawl back into and familiar flesh to curl up against was one thing - being a solo seeker was another. For a while Jefferson’s sex parties became my partnered-sex subsistence, with a little dash of sex on the side with Todd.
I also began to spend increasing amounts of time naked for money, both in front of a camera and not. I was essentially sex embodied; but I felt like an imposter most of the time, not able to understand what or how people were seeing sex in me as all I was really doing was carting myself around and taking my clothes off without really even trying to give off an aura of steamy hot sex. In one such moment of seeming-sexiness, I had an icky sex experience with a photographer; it completely caught me off guard and left me feeling strange and detached from myself.
Then, in late June, Todd and I had a great handjob go horribly wrong when his fingernail sliced open my right inner labia, leading to much blood and fear and two weeks of painfully swollen girl parts. I haven’t had partnered sex since then, and have only gingerly attempted masturbation five or so times. Add to that Jeremy’s violation of boundaries in attending Jefferson’s party about two weeks ago, and over the last four months I’ve watched myself become a mistrustful girl with issues and trouble seeing, undertanding and living in my sexuality and my body.
Along the way I’ve tried my best to combat the forces of evil that ooze from within and without, but new bad-sex inventions keep popping up, to the point where I just feel like I need to withdraw. I don’t have a place with other people where I feel physically and emotionally safe - even before the incident with Todd I was starting to feel dissatisfied with Jefferson’s parties, as they are often populated with people I do not want to fuck. In general, the parties started to wear on me as I felt increasingly like I want to have more connected sex, but that sex keeps elluding me.
I’m always on the prowl - have been for two and a half years. It’s not usually in destructive ways, but it is tiring. Throughout the relationships I’ve had in that time, I haven’t been willing to put my exploration on hold, not for a moment. I guess I’ve been looking for more, better, more intense and more interesting sex the whole time, with the occassional connection thrown in. Variation and exploration have been the name of the game, and I’ve acquired a wide range of experiences, mostly good, but suddenly outweighed by the bad.
At the moment, I have no coping mechanism for this, except to pull back and try to take care of myself. I’m thinking hard about the ways I’ve constructed my sexuality in the last few years and the ways I can shape it in the future so that it will make me feel happy, sated and safe to the extent that that is ever possible. Right now I don’t know the answer to that at all, and though my knee jerk reaction is to fill that big silent questioning space with more fucking and more coming, I don’t think that’s the right direction to step in. So I sit here, pants on, trying to mend and trying to muster the courage and desire to figure out what’s next.
Posted by Dacia at July 17, 2005 07:58 PM
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Comments
gasp You ARE human!! Don’t feel bad for the way you’re feeling, I think this is the natural human way.
Honestly, though I somewhat envied you and all the party goers for a while, I was starting to wonder if maybe it got a little routine and boring (for lack of more articulate words)!!! The man I see, we only have sex a few times a month (yeah, I know! I really need to find a more regular partner), but nonetheless, it’s sooooo exciting when I do see him because of all that waiting and build up in between.
I haven’t been in a relationship in a LONG time where I’ve had the opportunity to be able to have sex everyday, or even every other day… but to think about how routine it becomes after a few years, kind of scares me. It’s like eating the same food EVERY day, you’ll get tired of it after a while. But the point is…
… with all the sex you’ve been having lately, it sounds like it’s become less meaningful and us humans tend to need something deeper than that after awhile.
Oooh.. another thing (I’m sure you’re aware of) which mostly applies to people who are new in their relationship (but since your relationship for the past months seemly was with sex itself), you get all wrapped up and involved with that and lose yourself. So I’m glad your finding your self (if it was ever lost).
I applaud you for putting this up here on your blog and taking the chance of being vulnerable.
Posted by: Autumn at July 17, 2005 09:53 PM
Wow, Dacia,
Far from being too dark, you’ve really just everything you write about that much more thought provoking. Which, indeed, says a lot.
While I wouldn’t want to suggest monogamy- though I’m sure others will- there are positive aspects to it that might be worth trying to incorporate into what you choose to do next.
It sounds like finding an exclusive partner for something more than a physical relationship might be a good place for you to be before you put yourself out there again. Trust can help with so many things, including understanding who you are to others. Maybe that last bit doesn’t really need to be said though… you’ve certainly trusted your readers with this to some extent by writing this.
Posted by: Vince at July 17, 2005 11:19 PM
I think you could probably use a big hug.
Posted by: PugDuster at July 17, 2005 11:52 PM
I find this recent set of posts from AMS and the discussion and process by which you’re coing to grips with these big issues riveting.
Posted by: Viviane at July 18, 2005 07:46 AM
Hmmm. Like the first poster I often read your(and others) posting about grande volumes of casual no strings sex with a bit of envy. Yet over the past 4 years on the ‘net I’ve noticed that nearly all of these people get to a point where they withdraw, often leaving with comments such as yours. As was said above, I think too much of a good thing isn’t that good in reality and I don’t feel we (humans in general) are really hardwired for these kind of relations…there’s nearly always pain and confusion. Makes me so thankful to go home to my wife and two small boys at the end of the day and play a good game of Snakes and Ladders. I feel for you Dacia, and truly hope you sort this mess out.
Posted by: Bob at July 18, 2005 09:29 AM
Taking care of yourself is a good thing… and realizing that it is what one needs to do is a pretty big step.
Congratulations!
Posted by: algor_langeaux at July 18, 2005 10:00 AM
I just wanted to say that I feel for you completely, and that I have been going through something ismilar in the past few months. Sex has become more confusing than I ever thought it could be, and has seemed to provide me with a lot more questions than answers lately. Sometimes it only takes a handful of negative sexual experiences to put sort of a damper on the future ones.
Second, I want to commend you for being so open with your audience and for finding the courage to share this with us. As someone above said, it’s human to feel this way. But, for me, at least, it can be difficult when you see yourself as someone who is totally sex-positive, but find yourself in a position where you have to admit that sometimes there is negativity associated with sex. Good for you for having the bravery to acknowledge that sex, like everything, has it’s down sides, too.
Posted by: Layla at July 18, 2005 10:36 AM
Tune-up time, girl. It has to happen every once in a while. Back off, shut down, change the plugs and the oil, re-lube, tighten the bolts, and check for signs of rust.
I’d still give that cut another week or two. If I remember correctly (and that doesn’t always happen) internal lacerations without sutures can take anywhere from six to eight weeks to heal, depending on whether any irritation continues.
-G
Posted by: Garrison Steelle at July 18, 2005 02:10 PM
Great post. Thanks for sharing with the rest of us. I’ll have to think about what you’ve written in terms of my own life.
Posted by: Stacie at July 18, 2005 07:21 PM
Thank you for sharing all of that. It sounds like some tough but honest introspection. I’m interested in finding out (if ou want to share) what sex, being sexual, and having a sexuality means to you, where you see yourself now, and where you want to be, in terms of sex life, sexuality, and so on.
It sounds like you’re burned out on too much carnality and not enough love in your sex. For me, sex with people I’m not all that close with happens from time to time, but it’s the loving, or even just friendly sex that grounds me, and gives the fun, kinky, wild orgy sex a context.
I like both, but sex with love is what I need ti sustain my sense of sexual self, whereas wild orgy sex is like a drug. Too much of it, not enough sustaining partner-sex, and I’d burn myself out much in the way you seem to be burned out.
OF course, this is someone you don’t know at all giving you something that’s not quite advice based on a few blog entries, so take it all with a grain of salt.
Best wishes
-Josh
Posted by: sinboy at July 18, 2005 08:14 PM
<> Welcome to a day in the life of a man. Cue: “Hungry Like the Wolf”.
Posted by: Roy at July 19, 2005 03:27 PM
Dacia, I love how honest you are. It’s not just interesting reading, it allows me to compare my emotional/identity growth and challenges in the industry with yours.
For me longevity in the sex industry has only been possible when I’ve had other, non-sexual social identities that were authentic for me. When sex becomes everything, I burn out.
Posted by: ember at July 20, 2005 02:41 PM
