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Switched off
July 11, 2005
Lordy, you folks love the personal drama! Thanks for all your comments - I’ll update you on teh situation when there’s additional news. I’ll likely be writing a lot of self reflective stuff this month, as time away from New York is making me reevaluate my life – in mostly good, maintenance and head-clearing ways. Hopefully there won’t be more dollops of drama created by other people sucking, but if there is, I’ll be sure to write about that too.
Before leaving New York, I started to feel a bit funny about my sexuality – about it being out there for other people to consume, imagine their own fantasies onto and soak up/drain the energy and comfort I have in myself. I know that comes with the territory of the choices I’ve made to be a sex worker, model, blogger, slut and generally open person whose existence makes people want summa that – and by “that” I really mean energy more than pussy (but that’s mixed up in it too). I know I’ve made this choice to turn this energy on, make it available, and put it on the market in various ways. It’s been a good thing for the most part, and I’m doing a lot of interesting things that I’m learning from, but I also know that it’s a fast paced, difficult life I lead because I live in a head and lifespace that other people only visit from time to time.
I’ve been in a place of constant sex-ness for many many months, and I always have a heightened awareness of my body and the power of my sexuality. I wondered if I could turn that faucet off and just not share it, not even hint that it’s there. And the answer is, yes, it’s possible. I’ve gone into stealth mode, and it’s glorious.
Let me give you an idea of what this stealth mode looks like: hoodie, hat, sunglasses.
This past week I’ve been trying the stealth mode on for size, but the true test was the weekend: could I go out into the world of Amsterdam nightlife and get ignored and not at all hit on? On Friday night, I got the opportunity to go to a big dance club and see Stereo Total, a seriously silly band that is basically French lady + German man + silly robot noises = a bedazzler for your ears. Of course I went in stealth mode, and by golly it worked! I got left alone to bop to the music and get lost in my own world. Sweet bejesus, we’re onto something!
It’s so awesome to go undercover, to lurk in the background, to go unnoticed. I love it; I love that I have the capacity and control to switch off the sex. It confirms my hope that I haven’t created a life in which I need other people to look at and to want me to feel good about myself. I feel really good, in my skin that no one else is seeing right now, in my jeans and hoodie and boots. I feel relaxed inside my head and my body – I know that any mode of dress and self-carriage is performing something, but I distinctly am not performing my sexuality in the ways I normally do.
Posted by Dacia at July 11, 2005 12:44 PM
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Comments
Is this something like having a personality? Perhaps some form of self-identity? Maybe seeing sexuality as only one dimension of who you really are? This is pretty interesting stuff, I think!
Monty
Posted by: Monty Parker at July 11, 2005 01:57 PM
Hell yeah its fun! Not being a fixture in reality, being everywhere at once but not seen is a great time to be had by the individual. I liken it to therapy. After a relationship ends, for introspect, i would emerse myself in crowds of people, usally at the beach or sometimes a rather large mall full of typical snotshot types, just to observe personalities of individual i never met. Why? to see if I could identify the personality traits in the people around me by pure observation. Did it work, hell if I know. I do know I eventually i learned how to identify what i did not want in a realtionship, and that improved my life. It could be thought of as a back to basics on research: objectivity & observation. You can learn all you need about people by objective observation.
Posted by: nh carey jr at July 11, 2005 02:38 PM
Well, now that you mention it, I guess I’m in “stealth mode” most of the time. Then people act all freaked out (and, occasionally, turned on) when they find out I’m a big slut.
Posted by: Belle at July 11, 2005 02:56 PM
Moderation? You know, in reading your blog, I kinda wondered how someone could be so, um, ‘on’ all the time. It’s kind of a relief to know you’re really one of us mortals. Huzzah for moderation and balance! …As long as you don’t get too much of it. ;)
Posted by: Vince at July 11, 2005 05:58 PM
I like the stealth mode. I have one myself, with a faded Yankees cap that’s very unsexy and great for hiding under. Sometimes it’s nice to be an invisible viewer of your surroundings while traveling. I might ditch my “hey, I’m an American” Yankee cap while overseas though.
Posted by: Todd at July 11, 2005 09:20 PM
Steath Mode. Hell, I was born in that mode. That mode has become uncomfortable to and I would love to shed my skin. Just come out with it and be this sexual being that is not afraid of what my partner might think of my body (not like I’m some alien). I’m just not self confident about my body.
Posted by: Alexis at July 12, 2005 10:26 AM
Janis Joplin once complained “I make love to 20,000 people all night, but go home alone.” Performing for others can suck you dry (sometimes not a good thing).
Posted by: W. S. Cross at July 14, 2005 03:28 PM
