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Sexual autonomy
June 12, 2005
After the collapse of my two relationships in March, I went through a panicky period of time where I kept thinking to myself that I was doomed: no one would want me and my so-called baggage. I started to believe that I was never going to have sex again outside of Jefferson’s parties and that as soon as I made a complaint like that a million unwanted dudes would step up to the task and I’d feel even more alone and alienated from being desired and just being.
Jane put up with a lot of this self-doubt stuff, and when I’d go on about not being able to bridge the sexual gap between how I’m imagined and how I am, she’d ask me why exactly I was so fixated on having partnered sex. The right and healthy answer for me is “because I like it and its fun,” but during those moments, the truthful answer was more along the lines of “because I need to be wanted and to prove that I can.” Being the overly introspective type, I didn’t go on a sex binge because I really did know that sex is not the best way to fill a void. I knew that a sex binge would just saddle me with more people who’d demand time and energy from me, and I realized that I wanted to have something happening for myself, but I didn’t want to be inconvenienced. Definitely not a good basis for reaching out to others, even just for casual sex.
Since then my panic has subsided significantly, not least because I’m getting thoroughly laid in group and one-on-one situations, and I’m moving solidly into a place where I feel sexually autonomous. Granted, I’m feeling sexually autonomous but also having partnered sex, so I guess this theory could really only be tested out if I were to not be getting laid at all (which may very well happen during my seven weeks in Europe). Basically, over the past few months I’ve reached a place where I know without a doubt that the most important sexual relationship I’ll ever have is with myself.
I like having other people in my sex life, for sure, but sex for me has a life all its own, whether or not there are other people around to experience it. In some ways I feel sort of resigned to this – like I can’t really get my hopes up for other people all that much, after being where I’ve been and doing what I’ve done. But really, its not that I’m disappointed with partnered sex, it’s just that at the end of the day, whatever my relationships look like, I have me to come home to, my body and my desires to live with.
I masturbate daily. Other than simply being an outlet for my outrageous libido, masturbation is a kind of check in time for me. It’s a time when I can just be in and with myself – kind of peaceful, totally awesome. I’m also trying to make a day or evening each week where I not only don’t get naked for money, but I don’t get naked in front of another person – this is actually a little difficult to schedule (I know, my life is hard), but being selfish and being naked for myself alone and not for anyone else is hugely rejuvenating.
Truly, it’s all about balance, but when other people’s balances wobble, I have to be able to make do with what I’ve got. I have to do better than that – I have to maintain and fulfill my own sense of sexual self. I can invite others in to share what I’ve got, but kick them out when they’ve overstayed their welcome.
Posted by Dacia at June 12, 2005 11:05 PM
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Comments
I swear I felt this post down in my very essence.
Can’t begin to describe the feelings rolling through me right now.
You’re so beautiful and eloquent… you do affect me so.
Now I must find a throw to cover myself… I’ll say it is the chill in the air tonight, but really… it is something much deeper… I think you understand.
~Sweet Dreams~ ~Warm Hugs~
Posted by: Demon Queen at June 13, 2005 03:03 AM
We cannot give to others what we deny ourselves. As pleasurable as being with others is, on multiple levels, we do ourselves no favors if there is no time to acquaint ourselves with who we are.
-G
Posted by: Garrison Steelle at June 13, 2005 02:59 PM
You make “sexual autonomy” seem less pathetic. I think I love you O_o… infact.. I wont reffer to it as beating off anymore… well.. ok, of course I will, but if I remember that term if masterbation comes into conversation…
Ill totally be saying sexual autonomy :)
Posted by: Edel at June 14, 2005 01:48 AM
Wonderful post. One of the things I love about you is that you’re a smart cookie, and not afraid to look at yourself.
Posted by: Nadia at June 15, 2005 07:40 AM
Your honesty and eloquence combine to make you truly fantastic. It makes me wish I had the opportunity to desire and want you the way you describe, while allowing you all the liberties you need as well as the many you richly deserve. You are a rare beauty.
Posted by: Obeh at June 19, 2005 10:11 AM
Relationships are quite complex, it’s the nexus of Beyond You & Me. I notice Demon Queen comes here (no sniggers, DQ). She’s also a fan of my site. Come on over and enjoy the smut and the insight into relationships.
Posted by: W. S. Cross at June 19, 2005 04:45 PM
