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Sustainable development
June 06, 2005
This weekend I fell back in love with my life. I’m feeling more completely myself than I have in months and months, and on Saturday I smiled so much that my face hurt. Before the awesomeness of late night fucking, with moans and floggings that were reportedly heard from the street, there was so much else that flooded in, reminding me of the potential for awesomeness my life holds. And this potential I’m referring to isn’t just about the possibilities for getting laid six ways to Sunday – though that’s no small part of it.
I don’t want to hold my breath, I don’t want to cut this feeling/these days in stone, I don’t want to pause and burn this all into my brain, because that all assumes that it can’t last, that I can’t make it through to a lovely place. I know that I cannot get back the life I had a few months ago, the people who were near and dear – I have to go forward. But the question is – how do I sustain the life I want in the physical, intellectual and emotional senses? Okay, okay – I know that is THE question for everyone.
Here in my little corner of the universe, I’m wondering how I can sustain what many people see as a phase (tonight I joked with James that I’m in my slut phase – which has lasted going on three years) in a healthy way. I think I’m well on my way to normalizing what to many folks seems like a totally radical way to live. Perhaps it doesn’t seem normal to people on the outside looking in, but I’m trying to manage my life in such a way so that I grant myself the freedom to enjoy, but also contain my life in such a way that I can keep my psyche happy at work and at home as well as keep them mixing in a way that doesn’t make me insane.
In the ten months since I started this blog, something has happened to me. When I began the blog, I set out to write about the division between my lives in Pervland and the Straight World. Last year, I had made the decision to pursue two different vocations and keep one foot in each of two worlds. I’m not sure that the line I drew for myself to straddle (not as hot as it sounds) really exists anymore. Though I embarked on my grad program planning to steer clear of sex, I’m at a point where I’m realizing that full-throttle examination of sexualities is inevitable. Sexuality is important to me whether my pants are on in a library or off in someone’s bedroom (certainly, pants off in the library is good too). This summer, after steadfastly avoiding sex in academia for a few years, I’m setting out to discover what academia plus sex looks like for me, after going where I’ve gone.
On the day that I celebrate my one year blogoversary, I’ll be in Amsterdam, finishing up the last day of the Summer Institute in Sexuality, Culture and Society at the University of Amsterdam. In completing the application for the institute, for the first time in an academic context, I declared my status as a sex worker and signed my legal name to it. I’m looking forward to introducing myself to the other participants with all three names I go by, and I’m proud to be funding the trip by getting naked for money. I expect this summer to be intellectually cathartic to say the least – and hopefully I’ll have a damn lot of fun in the process.
Posted by Dacia at June 6, 2005 11:42 PM
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Comments
For your trip, I gave Jefferson my Netherlands Museumkaart to give you. It’ll get you into 400 museums.
Posted by: Viviane at June 7, 2005 10:12 AM
I very much look forward to knowing you when you an old lady. Your contributions to sex and the mind are just beginning.
Posted by: Jefferson at June 7, 2005 10:42 AM
I’m jealous. Just plain GREEN! ;)
-G
Posted by: Garrison Steelle at June 7, 2005 11:14 AM
Having just discovered your blog (and Jane Vincent’s over at The Educated Slut.. thanks Fleshbot!!) I have to say Congratulations! From what I see as a total outsider, you’re well on your way to doing what so few people accomplish, which is being a whole complete person. I am so looking forward to reading more of how your life evolves.. go live already!! ;-)
Posted by: Will at June 7, 2005 03:47 PM
I’m Sooooooo looking forward to comments from your trip. Go Ray Go! RahRahRah! (I believe I just had an urge to wave pompoms) :o)~
Posted by: Heath at June 8, 2005 08:12 PM
Audacia,
I’m so glad that I now have a birds’ eye view of the debauchery that went down on the roof that night, as I was the guest downstairs. I loved Jane’s roof-shrieks announcing the various states of undress, it was a vicarious thrill. I heard the moans and crack of the flogging (caliente!), and that’s when the other guest and I continued our own version of the party and split. I’ll recount the details in my blog. Come visit!
Hugs and best wishes for academia/fun in Amsterdam-
Diosa
Posted by: LatinaGoddessOfLife at June 11, 2005 08:48 AM
You’re so far ahead of most, it’s amazing to see. Good luck in school. I look forward to hearing how it went!
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