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Exude
May 27, 2005
I’ve been doing a lot of photo shoots lately. It’s mostly been fun, and though it’s an awful lot of hard work, I think I’m really starting to hone my craft as a model. I’ve been realizing that I very much view my body in a utilitarian sense: my body allows me to feel the delight that is orgasm, my body inspires people to give me money, my body is the container for everything that is me. On Wednesday during a photo shoot with a photographer I hadn’t worked with before, he encouraged me to express myself, to exude my sexuality through my skin, into my poses and my expressions, and it occurred to me that I don’t really do this and don’t entirely know how. This is partly due to the fact that I am lazy and often let my on-camera sex appeal rest on the laurels that are my tits and ass. But unfortunately for lazy me, tits and ass aren’t really sexuality. I should know that better than many people – sexuality is not directly connected to the body it is contained in, though the body is a means for expressing sexuality.
Despite the fact that I get naked so often and in front of various people, I live very much in my own head, so much so that I do think this new challenge of expressing my sexuality more outwardly is going to be quite the challenge. I’ve become very comfortable in my own skin, but perhaps comfort is not what I need, I need something by forces electric. Maybe I need to think a bit about what “comfort” is to me – comfort is not feeling put upon to perform myself, my flesh, even in situations where perhaps I should have an eye towards performance. As I think about it more, I realize that part of the issue is that I spend a lot of time naked in so-called sexual situations that I don’t personally find sexual. The exuding of sexuality is being done by other people – my clients, photographers, people who are looking at my pictures. I show the boobs, they do the imagining.
I feel like I need to explore the experience of being in my body and my body as a sexual instrument more aggressively on film and really in my life, instead of just defaulting into the comfort zone of “have boobs, will travel.” People will always project their imaginings onto my body, but I’ve slipped into a mode where I encourage that, while I really need to learn to express and embody my own sexual imaginings in my own body.
Posted by Dacia at May 27, 2005 06:25 PM
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Comments
Careful, Dacia. If you take these ideas too far you’ll start enjoying stuff like scented candles, massages, and other tenderness-oriented stuff. :-)
More seriously, there are more ways to get across the that brain-body barrier. I’m the first to admit I went too far the other way — I’m way more like the guys who post ads like the ones you groused about here. I like that kind of stuff because the whole tenderness/sensual-touch stuff pulls me right out of my head and electrifies me like an hours-long orgasm. But I’ve tended to take that way too far the other way.
I’m not saying one way’s better than the other. The opposite really. I don’t fantasize about every blogger I read, but I do have break-out fantasies of something like your “server maintenance” office encounter with Jake where someone literally slaps me out of my reservations and into my body so I won’t notice, let alone mind, that we’re fucking hard enough to break the furniture. (Since reading that post and others in your blog I’ve reconsidered a lot of my assumptions about sex, and thanks for that.) But I also fantasize about gently, well “tenderizing” you into your body till just my breath on your neck pushes you over.
Fantasy and reality aren’t the same thing (generally a good thing) but the point remains: there’s more than one way to get out of your head and into your body, and there’s no reason not to explore all of them. Even the mushy ones.
I like your blog a lot, Dacia. Thanks for the good education.
figleaf
Posted by: figleaf at May 27, 2005 08:50 PM
I’m talking here primarily about the experience of being alone in my body in front of a camera or otherwise in front of people without a partner. Those are the moments when I feel like I really have to try to have a sexuality, try to express my sexuality. Maybe I’m shy or something when it’s just me.
However, when I’m with a partner - alone or in front of people - I’m very much in the moment, in my body and awake brain, living my sexuality.
The question is more about exploring ways to be and feel sexual with the camera as my partner.
Posted by: Dacia at May 28, 2005 01:34 AM
Hey Darcia, i am new to photography, dont know if you can even say i am an amatuer, thinking of a career change, but i would love to help you explore ways to be one with the camera. Are you going to the fetish weekend in NYC in June?
Posted by: chris at May 28, 2005 12:56 PM
I had a model email me this morning in regards to a shoot we’re planning and she asked the question, “How do I create dimension?” The question strikes me as being very similar to that which you are asking. How we communicate DEPTH in a two-dimensional medium?
When you’re with a human partner I would argue that at least a portion of the “life” brought to your sexuality comes from the joining of souls. There is a connection made, even in the most casual of sexual relationships, that cannot be duplicated in your experience with the camera because the camera isn’t giving anything back in the way a partner does.
Maybe I should put the rest in an email. Otherwise this comment would go on forever.
-G
Posted by: Garrison Steelle at May 28, 2005 09:08 PM
Speaking of photo shoots, I never did get my prize for guessing closest to the actual number of sex toys in a box. fluttering doe eyes
Posted by: Nox Parafac at May 28, 2005 10:56 PM
Yeah, dancing’s like that. You have to portray a burning sensuality on stage, or you’re just tits and ass, which people don’t pay as much for. When I start to lose it I pick a sex symbol (usually Marilyn Monroe) and watch a bunch of her videos. Then I “play” her at work.
Posted by: emberverity at May 31, 2005 09:45 AM
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Posted by: Poker at June 19, 2005 08:40 AM
