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The secret world of secrets
August 18, 2004
| I’m very much a planning and list-making person. But sometimes there are life situations that just can’t have a plan, because each situation is different from the next one. Unfortunately, when my hypothetical planning centers around a desire to create a workable double life (with many nuances), things get a little sketchy. I am bad at lying. Not the act of lying itself, I can usually do that – it’s keeping up the story over time that makes things fall apart. Is being closeted about things or choosing not to reveal indiscretions lying, or is it a healthy form of self-preservation? Maybe the only way I can make this host of complexities work in my head and heart is to call it self-preservation and go from there. Day by day, I’m watching the closet closing in – well, ok, that’s not quite fair… I’m watching myself inch closer to the closet with each new presentation of myself to each new person. I’m starting to try out my grad student persona a little bit. Its interesting – the conscious act of editing out the other half of my life. I’m finding that – and this is very important – I am still very much an interesting person without the sex dimension, so in many ways it seems doable. My StraightWorld coworkers don’t seem to see a gap in my persona, like I am hiding anything from them – because I lead a pretty full life without the addition of the Pervland story. This is good, and in many ways, it will be interesting to gain some distance from Pervland and to further pass in the StraightWorld, as Dacia, grad student and new professional. The complicated part is that I’ve started to try out this persona in places I wouldn’t expect. For instance, this weekend when I had my threesome, I didn’t reveal that I work in the adult industry. I only talked about my StraightWorld job and passions. This was an experiment, in part to see if this presentation was convincing – especially once the two of them were introduced to my home, which is liberally sprinkled with dirty pictures on the walls and heaps of porn vids everywhere. They seemed to buy it. So maybe I can maintain. |
Posted by Dacia at August 18, 2004 10:42 AM
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