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Polywhatsit? Anatomy of an evolving perspective

August 19, 2004

Two years ago, I was entering the homestretch of a four and a half year monogamous relationship. Part of the decline of the relationship - which ended basically because we grew apart - was my gradual realization that I might want something other than a monogamous relationship. I kept this to myself, and I didn’t try out the theory by cheating. I just kind of sat with it, and let it eat me up a little inside, because I knew that an open relationship was something my boyfriend could never accept, and that it really wasn�t a battle worth fighting.

In the aftermath of the relationship, I started to get my shit together and figure out more about what it is that I want � and I discovered that �polyamory,� �non-monogamy� and �open relationships� were concepts that existed in the world, other people have thought of them too! I decided that I wanted my future to look like that.

My relationship with Dirck, my significant other (SO in the parlance of poly culture), is based almost entirely on the assumption that we will always be non-monogamous and honest about it. Recently we�ve been having more conversations about what this will look like in the future, and what an ideal arrangement for this could be. We are both new at this honest non-monogamy thing and aren�t really sure where it will put us or what our ideal relationships would look like: will we each be the other�s primary partner? Will we kick it swinger style and just hook up with other people for casual sex (as a couple as well as independently)? Will we develop other serious relationships of equal importance? Some combination of all of these?

The thing is � there isn�t today and won�t be in the future � any way to figure this all out, because we don�t know specifically what we want. This became clear in a recent conversation that ended in a good dose of laughter. The only thing to do with all that is to keep on keepin� on, make with the talking and just hope for the best.

Posted by Dacia at August 19, 2004 10:22 PM