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Vanilla me?
October 08, 2004
Last night I went to Submit with Topaz and Jane, where of course I ran into several lovely locals, including the ever-fabulous Rachel KB.
In theory, I like kinky sex parties. At the very least, I like to be around sexually open minded people, and the idea of being in a place where you can not just think, but also DO sex is pretty damn cool.
In practice, I’m shy and a chicken to boot. Well, that’s at least part of it.
The other part of it is that I don’t know where or how I fit into any kind of community, sexuality-based or otherwise. In fretful moments, I think this is because I don’t have a well articulated or defined identity. But in reality, I know this is just because I’ve chosen fluidity over concreteness. Which puts me… where?
I’m not a femme; though I like skirts and heels, I’m hopeless with makeup. I’m not a butch, though I do adore a good pair of boots and adore pinstripe pants. I’m clueless about BDSM, and frankly a teeny bit bored by it (obstuse youth?). I like all kinds of people in all kinds of gender presentations, but recently I’ve been identifying as bisexual so as not to reduce the importance that biological men have in my sexuality.
It’s nights like last night that make me feel vanilla, like maybe I am just a mostly straight girl who happens to be open-minded but not really gung ho about queerness and alternative sexualities in full practice. Or maybe I’m letting the role-playing of nice straight girl that is my working persona seep a little too far into my brain.
Maybe I feel like I don’t fit in because of my very limited experience in going to play parties at clubs instead of at folks’ homes where I know most people there. Or maybe I’m too suspicious of the idea of community and collectivity to ever really be a joiner. Maybe other people who go to play parties feel the same sense of not-belonging that I do. Or maybe I draw up this fantasy of belonging in my head, and when an experience doesn’t quite deliver, then I just don’t know what to do with it. There are lots of maybes.
Posted by Dacia at October 8, 2004 12:03 PM
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