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Screen time
October 24, 2004
The very first time I saw myself naked, fucking, and jiggling in a moving image, I was freaked out. I thought - shit, do I really look like that, a wide expanse of whiteness that awkwardly folds into itself?
And almost simultaneously, I recognized that while I love to see nice fleshy women in porn, having a good time and getting their jiggle on, it’s much more difficult to be enthused about my own personal jiggle. I didn’t expect to be surprised and appalled by my body on film, but it was weird, this knowledge of that’s me.
I’ve gone over that initial reaction a million times in my head, I’ve thought through those feelings, overanalyzed them as I am wont to do, and in many ways I’ve gotten over that first shock, especially since I’ve since seen dozens of (mostly still, some moving) images of my nekkidness.
But still, I was pretty damn nervous about seeing my ass on the big screen at the premiere of “Alice in Footland” on Saturday. As it turns out, I felt fine about it and it was kind of fun, to know that the shots were coming up and to wait for it… wait for it… and then there I was.
After the screening, I was talking to Brooke Bound, who plays the White Rabbit, about the feeling of seeing ourselves up close and personal on a big screen, and she was very flustered about it. Granted she had a lot more, uh, intimate screen time than I, and her stress over it was proportionately greater. But it was interesting to talk to a seasoned performer who was appalled at seeing her celluloid self.
The experience of my own body is a peculiar thing. It’s one thing to be aware of and comfortable with my body from inside of it or from the vantage point of watching myself in the mirror. It’s quite another to see my body, in a way disembodied, onscreen, taken from a shoot done nearly a year ago. I see my body, I remember things about the shoot. But I don’t entirely remember what my body felt like then – was I turned on? cold? I don’t recall.
Of course I don’t recall every sexual moment I’ve had, but its peculiar to see visual evidence that creates a memory of a moment while I don’t retain the bodily memory of the same moment.
Posted by Dacia at October 24, 2004 11:51 PM
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Comments
Thanks! Good work. See U. Happy New Year!
Posted by: zyprexa at January 2, 2007 02:28 AM
