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Fears divided, not conquered
October 29, 2004
Three years ago, I was lucky to find a job (while still in college even) that combined my academic and prurient interests. This meant that I didn’t have to separate the professional and the personal, and the whole thing in a way was a political act of outness.
Two years later, when that job melted down and I found myself somewhere else, I realized how lucky I’d been, and how thoroughly I didn’t know how to lead a secret life, and not bring up unsavory topics at family dinners. But I started to construct these separate pieces of me - a job in Pornoland, a job in StraightWorld. Things once united, now divided. The lines are very blurry, as I’m a vociferous and self-avowed nerd, but these same adjectives can be applied to my personal/professional life in sex.
I am thoroughly enjoying the grad school experience and wickedly appreciating the degree to which I pass as regular, but I feel like I am biding my time until a future point when I can reunite the pieces of my life. That is really the goal - build up my straight job and smut world contacts until I can do a project in which I say, hey everybody, one equals the other.
The question is of course of timing and control - and I know I don’t totally own those things, as any number of things could happen that would force me to come out prematurely, or I could be a hot-headed idiot and come out at an inappropriate moment to prove a point. It’s hard to gauge how deep to go, what degree of exposure I want in any of my roles, and how to own my shit without becoming marked and black listed. But perhaps that’s inevitable, and something I need to be less hung up on in its relationship to the straight world. I just want to have options - personal options, career options that may or may not be sex-related. But I’m afraid that might be asking too much of the world.
Posted by Dacia at October 29, 2004 12:00 PM
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