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Personal dynamics
November 26, 2004
So, a bit more on Tuesday evening’s adventures…
Really, I managed to tell most of the good stuff in my post on Wednesday, but as always I’ve been busily thinking away about the dynamic of the evening and the way that everything panned out.
With sex parties, as with everything, practice makes perfect. Over the past year, Dirck and I have been to a number of parties of various sizes, and I think we’re finally starting to get our groove on a little bit. Our biggest successes have always been at very small events where we know everyone; when we go to big swinger parties, we usually retreat full of hate and self doubt. Toby’s party went well because it was a nice combination of people we knew and people we didn’t, in a comfortable and familiar atmosphere.
My only big beef about the party was that it was supposedly a bi-male party, and I didn’t see any of that going on. Perhaps this is because I was in my own private state of cock reverie, but I think that there were also two other factors in this: 1) there were a larger number of girls present than there usually are and 2) one unsavory newcomer loudly proclaimed that he would need ecstasy in order to “gay it up.” The combination of the lures of tits and pussy and the general uncoolness of homophobia can definitely make a tentatively bi boy want to keep his dick away from other guys, I suppose. Sad for me though, as I still have not seen the elusive boy-on-boy action.
Dirck and I are learning the ropes, but of course there is the ever present doubt – mostly from Dirck.
On the cab ride home, he brought up a fear that I thought I’d been able to banish: he thinks that he is holding me back at these parties by his mere presence. Because willing girls are sometimes a rarity in the sex party scene, I know that I am a hot commodity in that sense. Dirck believes that if I were to go it alone or just disregard his presence while he’s there, I would have a lot more fun and get a lot more laid. While in the purely objective sense this is probably true, it’s not at all what I want. Sure, hot sex is what I’m after, but I really want to be at these parties with Dirck – it’s something particular to him and my feelings for him. I want to share the experience with him, not just have him there as back up. I really tried to explain this all to him, but for some reason he has this wall up against understanding it. Its frustrating, and I definitely have done my best to prove – with both words and actions – that this is true for me, but ultimately I guess he has to warm to it himself.
Posted by Dacia at November 26, 2004 01:53 PM
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Posted by: Vicente Lankford at December 31, 2006 03:06 PM
