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You broke my fucking heart
March 09, 2005
Okay. Finally ready to sit down and write this: Dirck and I broke up on Sunday.
I feel fucked up, sad just this side of devastated, and incredibly secure in myself all at once. Breaking up with the boy I’m madly in love with is pretty much the worst feeling ever. But the weird thing is, I don’t feel totally lost, and I know that this sucks now, but it will suck less eventually. I don’t doubt my capacity to love more and again, and I don’t doubt my self worth.
Something has happened to me in the past few years - I’ve gained a lot in the self esteem column and the emotional stability and health columns as well. Sex in general and being with Dirck have been no small part of this, but when it comes down to it, I’ve pushed my own envelope and I’ve gotten myself where I am today. I believe in Dirck fiercely, I believe in the possibilities for us, but I believe in and love myself above all.
This isn’t easy - in fact, its wretched. But I have people who love me - Jane, Gracie and James have all leapt to my emotional assistance, with chocolate, hugs and takeout food. I need to figure out the best way to take care of myself right now, and make note of the fact that crying and journaling are not good sleep substitutes.
Someday, will it all make sense? Maybe not. But I know that I went in with an open heart, and though I feel very broken right now my heart remains open, because shutting down is stupid and what is living without connecting with people? I’m a tough and resilient girl, it’s true, but I’m also a giving girl. This time I gave until I felt lightheaded with blood loss and had to pull back to save myself; despite the recovery I need, I know I can be right there again, giving and hopefully feeling life pulse back towards me.
Posted by Dacia at March 9, 2005 01:25 AM
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Comments
I must have missed this post when it happened. I’m sorry. I hope you’re feeling better about it by now…
Posted by: introspectre at July 15, 2005 09:34 AM
