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Damaged goods

April 05, 2005

Recently, while sitting and having tea with one of my sex worker friends, we bitched about dating, stupidity, et cetera. She related a story about a recent failed date; when she told her date that she is a professional dominatrix in response to the “what do you do?” question, he had an immediate follow up question, “don’t you think that limits your ability to interact with men in a healthy way?” His own answer of course was embedded in the question itself. When she told him that actually she has a very healthy outlook on both men and relationships, he could only say, “I don’t see how that’s possible.” Date dead in the water.

It’s easy to get overly defensive about this kind of accusation and assert - goddammit - it’s possible to be okay despite (and sometimes, because of) being in the sex industry. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this dude’s feelings on the subject weren’t really about my friend, they were about him. This is the tricky part. My initial interaction with a man who claims to want to be my friend or date (hahaha) is naturally one of eye-narrowing suspicion, based on the question: “is this dude psyched on the porn girl/wanton slut/hooker fantasy or is he actually listening to me talk?” If we get past that, there are usually walls that I didn’t build.

These walls are scary ones - ones that I have no control over. Because of the way my life works, I know that I need to be more communicative, open and reassuring than other girls when I’m dealing with a relationship - I accept that. However, there is definitely a line between being open and giving - and giving so much that I don’t have anything for myself. Reassuring someone that work and love are different things? Sure, no problem. Altering my life to an unhealthy degree to prove myself to someone? Fuck that.

Those walls, the ones standing between me and other people, the ones I didn’t build - they are to a large degree part of a cultural imagination that has nothing to do with me. Yes, I’m _ - insert any number of dirty sex things that has a negative connation. But I’m (mostly) happy and damned cool and giving and opened-hearted. Whose damage is that?

Posted by Dacia at April 5, 2005 03:48 PM

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