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Shut up, brain
April 11, 2005
The inside of my head is a crowded and noisy place. It’s annoying.
However, while my brain is overactive, I don’t necessarily have an overactive imagination. The best example of this is in the realm of sexual fantasies: I don’t really have any. The reason for this is that once I think up something that sounds like a hot thing to do, I get that gleam in my eye and I set about making it happen. When I jerk off, I usually think about stuff I’ve already done and would like to do again - or I substitute porn for thinking and enjoy the voyeurism thing.
That doesn’t sound very interesting or escapist, I know. But since I spend so much time in my own head on a day to day basis, sex is a time for me to get out of my head - and into my pants. Sure sure, I know the brain is the biggest/best sexual organ - but in my life, I like to use sex to shut my brain up.
I’m really into being fully present in sex these days - which maybe explains why I’ve been less keen on being schnockered, and don’t really use a fantasy life to get things rockin. I like to be there, in the moment, brain thinking only about sex. To clarify: thinking about the sex that I’m having in the moment - I think about sex in some form all the goddamn time, but it isn’t usually my personal sex. Maybe I’m so keen on presence because it wasn’t so long ago that I wanted nothing more than to escape my body and my brain - now I (mostly) enjoy living inside myself. To get present within myself has been a long fucking road - but now that I’m here I can push that envelope too.
I love those moments of presence - allowing my body to experience what’s happening, allowing my brain to concentrate solely on what’s going on with my body. But the best thing is a step beyond that - its is in the going (or should I say coming, har har) somewhere else. I start out with body and mind very intent on bodily sensation, but I end up somewhere else. I don’t know where I go - sometimes I feel like my brain is folding in on itself, sometimes I feel like I’m floating outside of myself. The key is not to overthink where I go, but to just go that way, soak the sheets and feel my spine tingling all the way up through my face. I don’t need fantasy to get me there - I need something to happen to my body, and my body leads the way to making my brain quiet, and then all melty.
Posted by Dacia at April 11, 2005 06:38 PM
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