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Taking sides
April 22, 2005
Ok, I’m back among the living. I ate something that I had to chew today, and announced proudly to Jane as I ate my (what else?) ham sandwich: “Look, I’m chewing!” Mouth full of course. I even had both the desire and the ability to masturbate - road to recovery, I tell ya. Now that my brain isn’t bogged down by fever and I’m not saying insane things to Jane (sorry honey), there’s something that I’ve let lie for a while that I feel like I need to write about.
A few weeks ago, at the bi-weekly sex party I go to regularly, there was an incident that has since been blogged about by others, but I’ve been publically silent about. There’s been some slinging of shit both publically and privately between all sorts of people in my circle, and I’m not going to name anyone’s names here or link anyone’s blog - because I don’t have to and I don’t want to. Those involved know who’s who, and others who’ve been reading the interconnected blogs know what’s up. For those who don’t have the faintest idea what I’m talking about, that’s okay too, because I promise this will be thought provoking regardless.
Basically, what happened at this party was that two of my friends (I will call them Boy and Girl) were playing with a bunch of people in one of the bedrooms while I was in the other enjoying being with another pile of people. From my vantage point, I heard a lot of ecstatic moaning from Girl and then “Ow that hurts! Take it out!” - several second pause and a much more panicked voice- “That hurts! TAKE IT OUT NOW!” followed by sobbing and Girl running into the bathroom and slamming the door behind her. I lingered in the bedroom with my friends for a while, sort of stunned and not sure what to do exactly. After a while I headed into the other bedroom to find out what had happened, everyone’s faces were pale and freaked out. They said the incident had involved a speculum, and that Boy was in the kitchen, so I headed there to see how he was - he was shaken and confused, and wanted to head into the bathroom to see how Girl was doing, which I didn’t think was a great idea just then. Other friends stayed with him while I went to the bathroom, where Girl was with the friend who’d come to the party with her. I brought her some water, sat and held her for while and listened to her, and then steered her and her friend into the bedroom she hadn’t been in before, shooed out everyone who was in there, closed the door and gave her a massage. Girl has written extensively in her blog about this incident, Boy has not mentioned it - as is each of their right.
I’ve been silent, but I’ve been listening. Other people who were there have been silent. Silence, certainly, is one of the things that permits/encourages instances like this to arise again and again in our culture - which often turns a deaf ear to a sexual woman’s right to set her limits and say no. I am no supporter of the squashing of someone else’s boundaries into the realm of unconsensual badness, this much should be clear.
So why haven’t I been railing against Boy? I’m not sure I have a perfect answer to this, but it lies in my discomfort with being against a person, someone I care for. What happened that night was fucked up. It hurt and freaked out a lot of people - none more than Girl. I’m not disputing that, and I’m not disputing anyone’s perception of the events. I’m not making excuses for Boy.
But when one of my friends hurts another friend - it’s tough to negotiate being supportive without playing the age-old game of taking sides. I’m afraid I don’t know precisely what that looks like. I’m usually good at being constructively critical and supportive, but in the realm of sexual assault, it feels like an entirely different ballgame. And beyond that, I have my personal limits of sanity and giving. There’s only so much I can do and say before I have to recognize my limits - and if that sounds selfish, then maybe it is, but I do need to keep my own shit together before I can do thing one for anyone else.
Posted by Dacia at April 22, 2005 03:55 PM
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Tracked on April 20, 2006 05:47 AM
Comments
Dacia, you wrote:
“Silence, certainly, is one of the things that permits/encourages instances like this to arise again and again in our culture - which often turns a deaf ear to a sexual woman’s right to set her limits and say no.”
“I’m not disputing anyone’s perception of the events. I’m not making excuses for Boy.”
“I’m usually good at being constructively critical and supportive, but in the realm of sexual assault, it feels like an entirely different ballgame.”
It doesn’t sound to me like you’re unsure in your own mind about what happened, merely uncomfortable with what that means. I think it is impossible to be neutral with sexual assault.
I don’t know if I’m speaking as a feminist or a kinkster here, or both — and when I can’t tell which hat I’m wearing, usually there’s no conflict. Highly sexual women are a scarce resource. There are few enough, and sexual assaults in highly sexual spaces are a huge threat to make those women shut down. That fucks up my long-term hope to change the way sexuality works in our culture, it fucks up the world I live in and the one I want to leave to my son.
You know what I’m saying … Boy may be your friend, but guys who do what he did are not our friend.
Thomas
Posted by: Thomas at April 25, 2005 12:53 PM
Wow. Could you get on a higher horse? I doubt you could.
Posted by: mrmister at May 8, 2005 05:14 PM
Jeez, if condemning sexual assault counts as getting on one’s “high horse”, call me Ms. Snooty…
Posted by: kate at June 25, 2005 10:24 AM
Good work. I like your site. Port aBuayar: http://www.allucher.com/satoblog/archives/2005/04/post110.html , In a small saucepan
Posted by: David Miller at October 6, 2005 08:58 PM
