Personal Snapshots: You Had to Be There

On Friday night I read at a Feminist Sex event at Bluestockings Bookstore here in NYC. The event was put together by Shira Tarrant, the author of the recent Seal Press book Men & Feminism, and featured me, Abiola Abrams, and Sinclair Sexsmith.

Shira read a few different excerpts from her book, Sinclair read a great and analytical piece about how feminism got in the way of her getting the sex she wants (because that sex happens to include the desire to hit women), and Abiola read her piece “Slut” from the Dirty Words anthology.

And me? I read a piece that I wrote this week about sexuality, body image, and growing into myself. It was a tough piece to write, which I did with a mix of drawing from a few blog posts I’ve written here over the years, plus writing new stuff, and creating connective tissue.

Here’s a fragment, with a photo to illustrate the moment.

In the winter sun of the new year, arching my back for the camera, I put my hands on my hips and felt centered, run my fingers over the skin of my belly and think to myself, “Here I am, here I am, here I am.” Modeling is like this sometimes. Without my clothes, the clicking of the shutter keeps pace with the beat of my heart, I felt peaceful and connected. I have moments like this one of self-awareness, feeling comfortable in my skin while also learning about what my skin looks like from the outside, with other people looking. And this looking out/looking in feels like a realistic view, not one hazed by my self-hatred. From this vantage point, I understand better how my body works, I know what clothes flatter it, what poses work best, and how to tilt my hips just so that you can see my pierced hood from behind while I’ve got my hands against a wall.

People, of course, have been asking if the event was recorded and when they can read this piece online. And I’m not going to put the whole piece online. I’m just not. It might become something bigger, it might getting published in some form you cam hold in your hand. But it’s not a blog post. There is video, but I’m not sure when it’ll be online. And it’s weird maybe, but I like the moment-ness of preparing a piece and doing it and letting my words drift off into space and time. And that sucks for those of you who aren’t in NYC, because these days I’m not easily lured elsewhere (especially if that travel requires me to take vacation time to go do work). So I want to think more carefully about all that. But also, I like the moment-ness of a performance. There’s something kind of amazing about being in a physical space with people and telling hard stories.

After a fun night out with the attending NYC feminists, as I made my way home and sunk into my thoughts, I tweeted this: “Don’t know if I’ll ever understand why I need to do what I do in such a public way. BUT I do know it heals me and means a lot to others.”

Last week during one of our long phone conversations, my friend and full-on amazing lady Lia Scholl encouraged me to watch Eve Ensler’s TED talk Happiness in Body and Soul. I have mixed feelings about Ensler’s work and the Vagina Monologues in general – among other things she perpetuates this incorrect use of “vagina;” it really should by the Vulva Monologues… but whatever. The TED talk is totally worth watching.

Toward the end of the talk she says this really amazing thing that just resonates with me: “When we give in the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside of us… Happiness exists in action, it exists in telling the truth and what the truth is, and it exists in giving away what we want the most.”

Yes. That’s all I can say: yes.

So as I face the growing pains of my career and try to balance that with staying and being real, I want to open this up – the uncertainty. I want to tell my stories, keep them fresh and alive and not be embarrassed about them. Essentially, I want my history to be transparent. I don’t want people to wonder how I got to where I am, I want that to be accessible. I don’t think my struggle diminishes my legitimacy in the world, I think it enhances it. Or anyway, it enhances the experience for me.

[Picture of me reading courtesy of Sinclair Sexsmith]