What I Learned From a Year of Professional Feminism

This thing has been happening recently, in which I’ve been realizing that I’m in this leadership role in my communities. I know this is probably not news to most of you. But it’s sort of news to me. It’s taken me a while to accept that role, and I’m not sure I’m quite flourishing in it yet. Growing pains and what have you.

The big thing that I’ve learned since starting my job at the International Women’s Health Coalition last fall is that, really, I don’t know a whole lot. It’s said that that knowledge of not-knowing is the mark of intelligence. Maybe that’s true. I also think it means that I’ve got to get busy and stay busy learning! And I don’t mean to sell myself short – I do know some shit, but it never feels like quite enough.

I’ve been feeling really blessed and humbled by the emails that have been flowing through my various email boxes recently. My work has reach, and I get misty eyed when I see the impact it has. It seems like such a small thing, but those emails really are the fuel that keeps me pressing forward.

But anyway, here’s what you need to know (1) about this leaderly growth, (2) about things I’m sorting out, (3) about me in this moment:

1. I’m not really sure how to do this, how to be a leader and have ideas and support people and synthesize – a thing. Whatever you want to call it (a movement? I’m shrinking from that, it feels too big/important, too easy for me to be disappointing). I’m learning as I go. Most especially, I am trying to learn to have better answers to the questions “what can I do?” and “how can I help?” I don’t have answer to those questions yet. I should probably write back to the emails that ask those questions by saying, “I don’t know,” instead of letting them sit there, starred and puzzling me, in my inbox.

2. It’s important to create space for new activists and new curiosity seekers. I need to and want to be patient with newcomers. There is a lot of enthusiasm that comes with new discovery, and I could use some of that. It’s important for me to try and see things through the eyes of people coming to understand sexuality for the first time. It’s powerful. Those orientation-type questions aren’t stupid ones. Even when people use the “wrong” words, it’s important to take the time to talk to them. Sexuality rights as a field of interest and action won’t ever grow if we can’t be inclusive of different levels of knowledge. (death to jargon!) (except on grant applications!)

3. I need to balance giving support with getting it for myself. Being self-sufficient is great, and I *am* strong and all that. I am. But I’m also in need of support, and I need to listen to myself. When I act flakey or shirk responsibilities or hide in my apartment not responding to calls or email, or cry for no reason, I need to listen to that. And I need to know that I can take a lot, I can hold a lot of other people’s pain and need and bewilderment. But I can’t do that if I don’t take care of myself first. If sometimes that means saying no to other people’s need, then I have to do that and try my best not to feel guilty about it.

And to you: people who want to help, sex workers and others who need help – I’m trying, really trying to figure out how to be there for you, how to nurture you, without totally destroying myself. Stick with me. I think I’m getting the hang of this.