I have something of a love/hate relationship with language around sexuality and gender. Language can be used as a weapon, as a tool of oppression and dismissal (I think of the times I’ve seen trans friends visibly wince when someone pointedly uses the wrong pronoun at them); it can be used to liberate and expand people’s ways of thinking about gender and sexuality. It can also be used to jumble a message and bring productive conversation to a standstill. I’ve been thinking about striking balance among all these things especially because working in the non-profit sexual and reproductive rights world means that I spend a lot of time processing and thinking about appropriate and effective language.
The best language shifts over time. Case in point, the above picture, which I snagged from a post about Images of Early Gay Rights Movement on Sociological Images. The phrase “sexual preferences” seems antiquated and awkwardly wrong (because there may be a gaps among preference, desire, and behavior), just as there are certainly words that are cutting-edge awesome today that will seem misguided to future generations.
To this end, two similar-but-different conversations about language and my identities. I think I’ve been so smothered with identity politics that generally when people try to have conversations with me about what precisely I identify as, I mostly just want to throw up all over them instead of giving a list of identities I claim. I am an awesomely unique snowflake and I cannot be contained by words! But still, words are important, even if in that gag-reflex tripping way (obviously I am conflicted about this).
This past week, in the midst of conversations about Iowa and Vermont and DC and marriage equality (which I think is awesome, though I’d much rather see marriage separated from the law), I’ve been watching language very closely: “gay marriage” is all about the gays, while “same sex marriage” is inclusive of bisexuals. However, whenever I bring this up, I feel like I’m being stupid and nit-picky. After all, we’re talking about the big picture here. I’m sensitive to this difference because of my whatchamacallit identity, bisexual. Or whatever. It’s not really a big deal, right? Why do I feel awkward and irritating when I bring it up?
Contrast this with conversations around gender. Today Anita Wagner posted a link on her Facebook to a bi-phobic Michael Musto piece from his Village Voice blog, in which he talks shit on bisexuals (it’s not real!). See the screenshot of the comments on Anita’s link below:
So like I say in the comments above, sexual orientation and attraction to gender are not precisely the same thing. I’d argue that in most cases, gender presentation is one of the first things that sparks attraction. And gender and sex don’t always match up, not to mention the fact that the gender spectrum, even within relatively unquestioning mainstream vanilla heteros (ie: not all girls like pink), is pretty broad. To take this a step further, in the place where deliciously complex postmodern pervs like myself hone in on gender and give less of a shit about biological sex, things get interesting. I’m not so sure I care to figure out what you call that (other than a party in my pants and brain, which is about what’s up). But it makes “bisexual” seem awfully small, and Anita’s assertion that there are “many, many bisexual people who are clearly drawn to and have partners of both genders” seems wacky too. I sneer at bothness.
But why do I get seriously ornery about the words of binary in the second example, why do I feel fully entitled to be self-righteous and finger waggy, and in the former instance I feel slightly embarrassed to make a fuss? I don’t have an answer to that, but I’m looking for it in language, the structures and assumptions of it all.
So language matters, fact. In what ways? is still the question.
3:48 pm
I also get frustrated with the language around fluid sexualities. I often just go with “queer” for myself because then I don’t have to be specific, but there are reasons not to like that word, either. I’m all about embracing the fact that I’m outside the norm, but calling non-hetero sexualities “queer” does imply that they’re weird.
I say all that time that yeah, I’m bisexual, but it’s not because sex and gender don’t matter to me. Of course attraction is based a lot on personality, but I’m also attracted to bodies, including all sorts of genitals. I’m attracted to many things that could be called a part of gender presentation.
Thanks for bringing this up, it is all very tricky but I think it’s important to talk about it.
5:55 pm
Are you using ‘gender’ to mean all the various labels: male, female, gay, bi et al? Because I have to admit confusion about gender vs. biological sex.
I have always found this subject confusing… It’s not an issue I personally wrestle with, so it can be hard to know what is correct.
I do, after a fashion, understand the annoyance at not being allowed to decide for oneself how one identifies, tho not personally regarding those issues.
8:04 pm
When I teach this to my college students, here’s how I break things down:
Biological sex Determined by a combination of chromosomes, gonads, and hormones while the fetus is in the uterus.
Key terms: male, female, intersex
Gender identity An individual’s innate sense of maleness or femaleness (or something else entirely), as well as how those feelings and needs are both internalized and presented to others. Masculinity and femininity are not fixed opposites, there may be gray areas depending on the individual and their culture. Gender identity does not necessarily correspond with biological sex.
Key terms: man, woman, masculine, feminine, butch, femme, genderqueer, transgender (these are actually pretty much infinite, gender has many subtle and individual variations)
Sexual orientation Erotic, romantic and affectional attraction. Desire.
Key terms: heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual (etc)
Sexual behavior The ways in which sexual impulses and desires are acted upon. Doesn’t always match orientation.
Key terms: MSM, WSW, MSW, WSW (these are shorthand used in sexual health clinics. MSM = men who have sex with men, etc)
Sexual identity “Public” announcement of a label for one’s sexuality. Sexual identity is never “wrong” – it is self-determined.
Key terms: straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, fluid, queer
There are lots of places of cross-over and messiness among these, of course.
1:27 pm
great piece, Audacia. being the queer het partner of a queer trans woman, words mostly fail when it comes to our identities. i often ask people to try to write an accurate “personal” for (1) their current relationship (2) a past relationship and (3) their desires — without using the words “man” or “woman.”
what always makes me happy is how cool sex activists can be about recognizing trans IDs and even – gasp! – desires that aren’t binary.
1:41 pm
Oh, I love the idea of the personal ad exercise, I might just steal that!
10:06 pm
The difference between your same-sex marriage “nitpick” and the Musto thing is that — I’m guessing — usually when you’re talking to people about “gay marriage”, they’re people who are trying to be sensitive and awesome about it. You feel uncomfortable correcting them because you know they’re fundamentally allies — not just that, but they probably aren’t intending to be biphobic. Whereas with Musto, and to a lesser extent with Anita Wagner, these people are specifically attacking or at least trying to redefine your identity. Again, I’m just guessing here, but I think this is probably a matter of intentionality on the part of the folks you’re speaking to.
I agree that language matters, but I sometimes feel frustrated by the continual focus on redefining words and debating exact shades of meaning. It’s not that these conversations bore me … I guess it’s a preaching-to-the-choir thing. We’ve created a jargon that’s only accessible to the subsection of people who think about sex and gender all the time. While I appreciate that jargon’s existence and find it useful, I wish that there were more of a focus on how we can use more commonly-understood words to get our message across to a larger section of the population.
5:33 pm
your definition of biological sex is seriously flawed.
it is a spectrum of many more factors than that, and its determination is lifelong, and dynamic.
Male and female are artificial poles that just happen to be legal constructs, while ur definition turns a legalism into a biologically based lie masquerading as truth.
It should read:
Biological sex is based on a myriad of factors, including hormones and chromosomes, and exists on a contunuum between two socially defined poles of “male” and “female” in a bimodal distribution.
It is not static throughout an individuals lifetime.
Most people are legally assigned to one or the other in a not always accurate process at or near birth. The people who are not easily assigned are assigned intersex, and brutally forced into one or the other legally defined poles.
biological sex is a legal fiction imposed on a natural reality that is too complex for a simple, static binary.
Please fix ur mistake.
-voz
8:30 pm
[...] Ray at Waking Vixen is thinking about words and language with regard to sexuality and [...]
9:27 pm
[...] Ray at Waking Vixen is thinking about words and language with regard to sexuality and [...]
2:41 pm
When people ask, you should say that you’re an awesomely unique snowflake. I love that!
(and yeah I’m ‘way behind on my weblog reading…)