(with apologies to Lou Reed)
Lately I’ve been thinking an awful lot about the Internet and the way it has mediated my personal and professional interactions around sexuality over the past bunch of years. I have about four draft versions of a post that’s similar to this one hanging out in the back end of my blog. Most of them don’t make a whole lot of sense.
I’ve been revisiting Naked on the Internet a lot recently as I approach the two year anniversary of the book’s completion. And I’ve been considering deeply the effect that the Internet has had on me and my life. The impact has been huge – I know for sure I wouldn’t be the same person or have had the same sexual experiences and exposure to mind-bending ideas about sex and relationships if I hadn’t been so engaged in online communities over the past five years.
But I also wonder about the extent to which the Internet has limited my ability to connect without screens in between me and the objects of my – whatever. On the weekends lately I’ve been stepping away from the Internet – well, sorta. I monitor but don’t engage unless I get personal emails (which is to say, rarely). Maybe sometime soon I’ll progress to actually turning it off. I’m a little obsessive about connectivity, and I’ve been realizing that often it’s just that – obsessiveness. For me, Internet connectivity is a nice salve to my loner tendencies; I’m reaching out without really touching down. But as my Internet infamy has increased and my career has grown and taken me to glorious heights, my ability to connect for real (online or offline) has been shrinking. Maybe my needs are changing, maybe I’ve gotten bitter or defensive.
Some of it is about the Internet and how I use it. But some of it is also about sex, with and without the Internet. Though I can’t yet discern the degrees of with/without. That’s still all muddled for me.
There’s this sex blogging shadow world, and being a permanent fixture in it has made me a bit nutty. I was trying to explain this at brunch with Tess and Diva today and I think I finally hit it – most sex bloggers have double lives. The world of sex blogging is their escape, sexual fantasyland. But also, if you’re not a sex blogger per se, you probably still have this in your life. There’s a place you go to, mentally or physically, that is sexual and escapist. That’s the place I have lived for the past few years – I’m real and 100% there in the place that other people escape to, orgasm in, and then go home. It’s my domain, and I have enjoyed showing people the ropes. But in the midst of that I’ve lost that part of myself. I don’t know where I go. I don’t, I guess. I am in a place where I can’t sustain other people’s fantasies and imaginings. I can’t sustain or make my own either. I don’t really know what they are anymore. It makes me angry that other people have that piece of a sex life and I don’t.
I have actually gotten to a point where I feel a sense of dread about checking my PO box and receiving more sex toys and smut. I know, no one feels bad for me, and this is not a real problem. Boo hoo, there’s too much dirty sexy fun in my life. But the reality is that there isn’t fun associated with it, and that’s bad bad bad. And I know that I’m probably “supposed” to keep up the illusion that my life is chock full of hot sex instead of loneliness, but that isn’t doing anyone any good. And what’s a blog good for if not getting all confessional after drinking whiskey?
I feel seriously ill inside when other people’s sexual energy gets directed at me in that flirting-without-seeing-me way, in that way that people in the sex industry are the receptacles for sexual imaginings. I don’t want your fantasies. I don’t care about what you imagine doing to me, I think it’s kind of gross. I know I’m broken, I know I don’t want to feel this way, and it feels like a sick joke and a weird nightmare that I do feel this way, but there it is. Being in this place of suspension of disbelief, where “you” believe I’m happy and sexual and well and inviting interaction and fantasy, or this place where I feel ill about all of it and don’t feel ownership of my sexuality – it needs fixing.
I don’t think I entirely admitted to myself that I was feeling this way about this tangled weirdness until I got my new job – which allows me an escape valve into intellectual and activist media work that isn’t all about me. Call it self-preservation or something. A way of managing my shit so I can make a living. But now I feel very much freed from the adult industry, like I see a real and true future for myself. Part of the reason it’s taken me so long to articulate this post is because of the “I told you so” factor of folks who believe that the Internet and the sex industry must take their toll (and now I’m proof that they do, I’ve cracked). But it’s also because I want to honor the people I respect in the big weird business of sex – and I know I’ve been shitty about that, what with the not replying to emails for weeks and months, the withdrawing, the general crankiness. I need to figure out a way to do right by myself but also do right by the amazing and beautiful people who work in all corners of the adult industry. I don’t know the way forward with that yet. But I think it’ll become clearer soon. And hopefully soon my life will feel more balanced, less like I’m surviving my private emotional shitstorm while I’m also feeling totally in love with my new job and the possibilities that I’ve created in my life. It’s my own path, not anyone else’s – and it’s strange, heartbreaking, enlightening all at once.
I wouldn’t trade in anything I’ve lived, experienced, or done in my life for something else. But I have to cope with the twists and turns it takes me through. I’m a tough cookie and I’ll figure things out, probably with time and introspection (and hopefully more old fashioned reaching out), but seriously. What a fucked up few months it’s been.
2:13 am
Thanks for posting this. I live a very different life than you do, and yet some of the things you posted here called up echoes of my own issues. I wish you the best of luck navigating through these convoluted waters, and wanted to express my gratitude for the added perspective your words have given me on my own life.
2:15 am
You don’t owe anyone anything. Not emails, not reciprocity, not a commitment to keep doing things you enjoyed doing or were curious about once but don’t/aren’t anymore, not pretending you want things you don’t to protect or “respect” other people’s feelings and wants. You owe yourself and that’s it. I know you already know those things, but I “know” them too and for some reason I keep needing reminders. I haven’t been responding to 99.5% of the emails, phone calls, comments, requests, etc. I get.
Re: the told-you-so’s: not that the sex industry and blogging and stuff don’t take their own SPECIAL toll, but I want to ask those people if they sit there shaking their heads over, for instance, teachers in the public school system getting burned out because of the toll that job has on them? Putting so much of your personal self and passion into something where you’re so vulnerable, underpaid, and hypercriticized while constantly fielding all sorts of impossible demands from tons of people (paired with kudos for MAKING SUCH A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN SO MANY PEOPLE’S LIVES) is pretty exhausting. And yeah, change is good.
2:50 am
Don’t worry about replying, like the previous comment said, you don’t owe anyone anything… keep doing what your doing
3:31 am
just today, i stumbled upon your article about DP in TONY’s sex issue from 2007. the tone of that couldn’t differ much more from this confessional, of course. i think what you say about sex not being fun being “bad, bad, bad” is correct. it’s a shame to have one of the few things that’s so essential to good health, become so imbalanced. i think it’s the nature of any kind of work focus, because so much time must be dedicated to one’s livelihood. so i think it’s great that you’re seeking diversification of your time and focus. everyone has to work toward tending to balance in their life. there’s no cause for an “i told you so” because this is not unique to the sex industry.
be well. maybe we’ll run into each other in line for brunch at 7A, now that you won’t be otherwise occupied for a while.
5:19 am
miss dacia – you’re a little weird, but you’re definitely not broken.
9:08 am
What a brave and beautiful post, Dacia.
9:42 am
Judging by what you wrote, I think you have it figured out. You need your own escape from being 100% what someone else expects you to be for their convenience; you need to disconnect some from the Internet and from the world of Celebrity in order to develop actual personal connections; you need a few special people in your life who – motivated by love and caring – give for you like you give for them; and your new job offers you an appealing future path.
10:00 am
I’m not a rock star personality on the internet or off – but I’m one of those people who have carved themselves a life and a career online. So I don’t share the particulars – but a lot of this rang true for me nonetheless.
10:26 am
Everyone needs some escape from their hectic days and deadlines. You have just come to the point of understanding that what gives you pleasure and what gives you stress are the same thing. Everyone gets burned out on what they pour their heart and soul into everyday. Working for yourself (blogging, reviewing, etc.) means you have a hard time giving yourself some time off. Then you have combined your passion for sex with your work and that means you fun escape just reminds you off what work needs to be completed.
It sounds like you are getting yourself another outlet for your creativity. Hopefully, it will also give you some much needed rest and relaxation, then the pleasure and joy should come back to your passion. Until then, believe in your support system (in person and on the Internet). Your real friends will be there to provide you support regardless of anything that happens. Give yourself time to find the path that is best for you. You will still be a wonderful and interesting person whether you are writing about sex, pretty ponies, or the color of dirt in your yard. Thanks for the wonderful website, blog, and tweets… I look forward to seeing what is next for you in this crazy, wonderful world. [[[big hugs]]]
12:30 pm
You’re not “supposed” to feel any one specific thing when you receive toys or think of writing about sexuality. I don’t see a problem whatsoever in writing about what you’re feeling — or not.
If someone blasts you for not being sexy enough, enthusiastic enough, horny enough, then screw them. Real life sexuality isn’t static, and it certainly isn’t perpetually running in high gear.
There are plenty of blogs and porn sites where the women seem to be dying for sex every single second of every day. You don’t have to be one of them. In fact I’d love to hear more about the difficulties of the past few months, when and if you’re ready to share.
3:33 pm
Your sex writer persona is real and sourced from the person, but the persona is not the whole person. The audience will interpret the persona for their own needs. Some won’t get it at all, yet appreciative readers will find small gems that expand their views.
You’ll find the filters that keep self and persona in balance — just as you’ve found new channels for expression.
5:47 pm
[...] Audacia Ray comes out. A prolific post about her life online, and off. [...]
12:13 am
I don’t think you’re broken. You’re real, you’re authentic.
Keeping up an illusion is never fun or healthy. If people can’t wrap their minds around the fact that you’re a regular, three-dimensional person just like everyone else, then fuck ‘em. (And yes, given some of *my* blog posts, I’m sure you know I’m talking to myself as well as you here.) If something isn’t working for you, then you certainly don’t need to try to play the game just so a bunch of people who don’t know you will be sated, or whatever.
Also, I totally agree w/ this:
YES. This has always just killed me… the sense of entitlement. It’s CREEPY.
Anyway. I love that you wrote this post. And (cheesiness alert) I love you! I know you know this already but you can email me any time or even – gasp! – call, if you want some actual connection and not just sitting in front of a screen. I’m always hear to listen and try my best to help in whatever way I can.
12:43 am
Thank you all for your comments, emails, tweets, etc. Though I always get really anxious when I write something confessional or sad on Waking Vixen, you always make me believe that writing was the right thing to do. Just reading your responses to my plight, plus the catharsis of writing the post to begin with, has been really helpful.
@Vernon I know you were throwing out random stuff, but there might very well be posts about pretty ponies come spring time! Since I am now gainfully employed and have health insurance, I plan to start horse back riding again when it’s warm out.
In the meantime, it’s not that I’m going to stop writing about sex, it’s just that I’m not going to write about things that are necessarily sexy. I’m rolling out some interesting stuff at work soon, and I’ll blog about that here too.
11:20 pm
Hi,
I know this is somewhat after-the-fact, since you have another post up about how you feel better, but I wanted to chime in and say you absolutely have the right (and obligation!) to own your own life, of which sexuality is definitely an included part.
I also wanted to let you know that there are people on the other side of it too–I have a conflicted response to “publicly sexualized” people, women especially, precisely because I don’t want to be the creepy guy who is just seeing a projected fantasy instead of an actual person. So thank you very much for writing this. I would like to think there is a way to say “I enjoy watching/reading you, thank you for bringing that pleasure into my life” without it becoming “you are a person who exists for my pleasure.”
It may sound odd, but you might find it interesting to read a bit of what pastors say about how they get “religiously objectified” by people, and how it effects their sense of vocation and sometimes even their faith itself. Professions that engage these deep-seated feelings and urges in people, it seems can often lead to feelings of isolation and burnout.
Take care of yourself, and thanks again!
11:37 am
Mark – I know for sure that there are people on the other side of the “publicly sexualized” conundrum, and I do give it some thought. But I also have to say that the people (I stopped short of saying men, but most typically men) who question their relationship to sexualized public figures probably aren’t in much danger of being creepy. Not to say you’re totally off the hook – but close. And I do think there’s a way to be complementary without being forceful. It’s the people who are complimentary but then push for a meeting or have some other request that are off putting.
Over the past few months I’ve become good friends with a woman who is a reverend, and it’s striking how similar a lot of our issues are. It’s actually not much of a leap from “religiously objectified” to my experience.
12:33 pm
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1:59 pm
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